AIBU to pull back from my 90 year old mum?

[AnOnne]

Ive been her main support for the last 20 years since her husband died (step dad.) Through raising children and working part time I made sure I saw her at least twice weekly, often more, to help her with gardening, shopping, life admin etc. Daily phone calls to keep an eye. She lives 45-60 minutes away, traffic depending, a horrible busy drive, so its never been easy to just pop in, its always a 4-6 hour stint when I see her. Im 60 and have a progressive health condition that causes pain and fatigue and which is not well controlled the last few years. I now dread the thought and experience of the drive (bad roads jolt me and its just thoroughly unpleasant, and tiring,) and I have come to resent seeing her. I have been very clear about my limitations but the second I walk through the door she has a list of things for me to do. I am exhausted trying to hold my own life together, it feels over whelming taking on hers as well. I have organised a weekly cleaner/carer and a gardener for her, she wont accept further help from outsiders. I have recently dropped to one visit a week and occasional calls because I am burnt out and depressed. But I even resent that. It seems to have triggered past issues for me. She moved out and left me with my abusive dad when I was a teen, and didnt keep in touch after. She only thinks of me (or anyone, to be fair) when she needs something. Until now I thought Id got my head around all of that, and accepted her for the inherently self centered, selfish person she has always been, feeling some relationship was better than none. But I have never been looked after by her....and suddenly I find I dont want to look after her any more. Just feels a bit unkind to decide this now, when she is 90. Not even sure why Im posting, just needed to write it down perhaps.

You are not being unreasonable, you need to attend to yourself don't you, otherwise you will go under.

It's the guilt tho isn't it. And the resentment.

But she made her bed and now she must lie in it. Take care x

Can you afford or your mum afford to throw some money at the situation. Organise cleaner and gardener. Then limit your visit to once a week and take her out for brunch or lunch then drop her home?

What other support does she have?
Would it be possible to move her to sheltered housing near you?

You’re caring for her after she abandoned you? I wouldn’t even be speaking to her.

Did you read OP’s post? That’s exactly what she’s done.

Maybe she needs to understand, and accept the fact that she needs to avail herself of the services, that would take the strain of you, OP. She won't do any of that, while you are doing the most care duties.

Totally understand your feelings. And it’s a pity your Mum doesn’t. All you can do is be clear about your capabilities and willingness. Do what suits you…end of.
Honestly, having gone through this myself there is no point in trying to tick all your Mums boxes. There will always be more that she wants for sure. Step back and try and find some peace and happiness.x

this is literally what the OP has done/is doing. And is finding it too much.

💐 OP.
We are not here to be our parent's carers. And a parent who expects it is selfish.

It’s not unkind. Your own health needs are not unkind, it’s a change of circumstance.

She’s never recognised any needs but her own, she won’t start now. What you can do, is look after yourself.

Is there someone who can go with you, to both ease the burden, and help reinforce boundaries?

Tell her you are too ill to go and will miss a couple of visits, then go back fortnightly.

Why bother replying when you haven’t even read the post? Ridiculous.

Poor you, that sounds hard. Don’t blame you at all for stepping back. Caring is a hard job in the best of circumstances.

I would suggest as an act of self care that you give the Carers UK helpline a call. Explain that you’re burnt out with it all, see what they suggest.

Personally I would suggest some one to one counselling to help you work out how to move forward in a way that’s best for you and ensures your Mum has what she needs.

https://www.carersuk.org

End of the day she didn't consider you when she left you with your dad, so you don't owe her anything. Step back, she can go into a care home if needed.

Could you insist, if she has the funds, that a company such as Home Instead which I believe is UK wide come and take over all the tasks you do then only go and see her a few times a month? We now have carers in 3 times a day for mum, dad refused for years and it was a major battle constantly with him but I had to put my foot down in the end as it was making me ill (still is).

It's such a tricky one isn't it? It's the combined guilt and resentment. I have been caring for my mum for the last 8 years she has advanced dementia, I have burnt myself out, I do it for her more than my elderly dad who has always been selfish, self centered and demanding it twists my emotions all ways.

You reap what you sow and all that.

I look after my DM in her 90s but she’s always been a great mum and grandmother. It’s fucking exhausting sometimes but I manage it because she’s not a dick and been a good parent and human as well as being appreciative of what I do for her.

She put in the groundwork as a mother and supported me as both a child and adult so I have this depth of historical love and care to balance with what I do now for her.

Your DM has obviously not been the mother you deserved so you don’t have any obligation to make yourself ill to care for her.

If I was you I’d ask for a SS assessment for her and step right back. Be kind to yourself and remember the child you were that didn’t get the same.

Guilt fades but resentment only burns and grows - I know which emotion is rather have 💐

I have organised a weekly cleaner/carer and a gardener for her, she wont accept further help from outsiders.

Literally in the OP.

I sympathise. It is very hard caring for someone who wasn't a caring mum. Mine was abusive and has never been any emotional support to me. I'm also having to do admin for mine that she has never had to do herself. Always had the full princess treatment from my dad, but he's not capable any more.

Not quite. The Mum needs more help. Op's visits should be limited to a couple of hours max not a six hour stint of doing jobs.

Mine wasn't abusive but is and always has been a manipulative and self cantered person. A narcissist. Thinking back now i don't recall her ever doing anything for anyone else! She did her MILs (my nan) shopping for a couple of years when my nan was in her late 80s and moaned like fuck about that. She never learned to drive (could easily have) has never worked a day since she got married in 1967, and does nothing but judge everyone else's choices in life while she sits doing fuck all. She lies and makes up shit and, like a pp said about their own mother, only simpers at people when she wants something.

Being a mother or being old doesn't automatically make you a nice person. Need not be as bad as actually abusive, but it's hard when the scales have fallen from your eyes years ago and you just don't like them but have to 'care' more and more as the years go on and on.

Good luck with it all OP. Don't feel guilty - although it's so hard not to.

I don't think you need to go to the drastic lengths of never seeing her again OP. I do understand as 90 year old Mums who need you are not easy when they weren't exactly Mum of the year when you were younger (personal experience).

Sorry if I've missed it - are you an only child? You say you are her main support but does she have anyone else at all who supports her who you can discuss this with? I don't mean in terms of offloading onto them, but just to see if they have any thoughts or suggestions.

I think you need to cut the visits down to monthly and phone calls down to weekly. When you visit put a very strict limit on what you are going to do for her and then ask her who she thinks is going to do the rest. When she says "you are" tell her that you've done enough over the last 20 years and now it's someone else's turn.

Although it sounds counter-intuitive, I do agree with a pp that at least if she moved to sheltered housing a little closer to you (not around the corner!) that would make your life easier in some ways.

@AnOnne get yourself over to the Elderly Parents board, it's in other, and find the Cockroach Café thread. You aren't alone and it's a safe place to vent.

Is it a private carer can you up the hours/days so they can do some of "the list" and see your mum once a week or every 10 days, i would also look into adult social services in her area and say your mother needs more care than you are able for.

It’s really hard especially as we get older ourselves.
They just don’t see what a strain it puts on others and continue to put their own needs and wants ahead of everyone else. I’ve often thought that elderly people are like overgrown kids!
You've got quite a drive to see her but you’ve done the right thing by setting up help.
Try to reduce the visits further to once a fortnight and tell her why.

Sorry i didn't read properly you have cut back on visits, I would still contact adult SS to see if they can organise a care package.

which part of the OP did you actually read?

You need some help. Whether mum wants it or not. I would organise it. Because you cannot provide what she wants. It is not feasible.
One visit a week can be too much sometimes. Especially with daily phone calls.
I would get an answerphone without question.
I would get an emergency phone for her, with a pendant she can press. An organisation will be in touch with you and her if she presses it.
What things does she want you to do ? What is on the list ?
Don’t leave her on her own. But do organise carers to pop in if she can afford them. She will soon get used to the idea. Especially if they are the same ones. Organise an assessment with adult social care to see what around the house can be done to make her life more comfortable. Accessible.
It will take a bit of investment in time for you to do things which in turn will help you and her. But leave her on her own, no. She will not know what has happened.