AIBU to pull back from my 90 year old mum?

[AnOnne]

Ive been her main support for the last 20 years since her husband died (step dad.) Through raising children and working part time I made sure I saw her at least twice weekly, often more, to help her with gardening, shopping, life admin etc. Daily phone calls to keep an eye. She lives 45-60 minutes away, traffic depending, a horrible busy drive, so its never been easy to just pop in, its always a 4-6 hour stint when I see her. Im 60 and have a progressive health condition that causes pain and fatigue and which is not well controlled the last few years. I now dread the thought and experience of the drive (bad roads jolt me and its just thoroughly unpleasant, and tiring,) and I have come to resent seeing her. I have been very clear about my limitations but the second I walk through the door she has a list of things for me to do. I am exhausted trying to hold my own life together, it feels over whelming taking on hers as well. I have organised a weekly cleaner/carer and a gardener for her, she wont accept further help from outsiders. I have recently dropped to one visit a week and occasional calls because I am burnt out and depressed. But I even resent that. It seems to have triggered past issues for me. She moved out and left me with my abusive dad when I was a teen, and didnt keep in touch after. She only thinks of me (or anyone, to be fair) when she needs something. Until now I thought Id got my head around all of that, and accepted her for the inherently self centered, selfish person she has always been, feeling some relationship was better than none. But I have never been looked after by her....and suddenly I find I dont want to look after her any more. Just feels a bit unkind to decide this now, when she is 90. Not even sure why Im posting, just needed to write it down perhaps.

@AnOnne This a really good idea. I wish I'd known about Carers UK when I was in this position. My advice to you is to get things sorted out now rather than waiting until things are desperate. Carers UK will give you guidance and point you to resources.

OP's mum abandoned her when she was a child and left her with her abusive dad. That's much worse than just not being 'Mum of the Year'.

I wouldn't have anything to do with her at all as she is a disgrace of a mother who thinks that she is entitled to love, care and practical support from the daughter she abandoned. She can fuck right off.

Ah thanks everyone for your sympathy and understanding.

My mum is a complex person. She doesnt like going out, will not go out, so visits are me sat opposite her going through her to do list. Tho when I say a 4-6 hour visit, to be fair I was including the drive time in that..she sees me visiting for a couple of hours and goes all sad when I get up to leave, she forgets the unpleasant 45-60 minute drive each side.

I have been trying to persuade her to move closer to me. Point blank no. There is a lovely sheltered housing complex 5 minutes away, next to the park where I walk my dog. It would be perfect. She says its too far away to expect her carer/cleaner to drive over.

I have 2 siblings but they clearly have much better boundaries than me and dont get involved or visit her much. Yes, I have asked them to help, numerous times when I have been at my wits end over some mother crisis.

Despite her age she copes on the whole and even her carer says she doesnt think mum needs more support (tho that may have been her way of saying she doesnt want more hours contact with my mum - mum leans on her pretty heavily as it is!)

OP, it sounds like you've done more than enough for way too long. Time to look after yourself (and I say that as a nurse!). If your mum has the capacity to accept/decline care then that is down to her. If she refuses other outside help (beyond a cleaner and a gardener), then that is also down to her, and she can deal with the consequences. It is absolutely ok for you to do only what you want to do, when you want to do it. That is not being unkind, it is looking after yourself, putting in boundaries and frankly being sensible. If you run yourself and your health into the ground, then who will look after you?

I've worked in healthcare since I was an 18yr old undergrad (so 28 years, yikes where has the time gone?!) - I've seen this sort of scenario played out countless times. Normally a woman (and it is a female relative most of the damned time) is left juggling complex care of elderly/infirm relatives, whilst trying to work, be a parent and deal with multiple other commitments. All the while, the elderly person will say, "oh yes, everything is sorted, <NameOfWoman/FemaleRelative> will do it all". Now if FemaleRelative is able to (and is happy to) do this, then great. A lot of the time though, I do see them in a FOG situation, and in utter despair as more is piled on to them. It's ok to say, "no". It's ok to say that you won't do this anymore.

Put in things to help, suggest she gets a carer or companion to do visits. Suggest a life line alarm for emergencies. Cut your visits right down to what you can deal with, ditto phone calls. If she asks why, then say that you've not been well and you need to rest and recover. If she has capacity and refuses these very reasonable things, then that is down to her.

OP I'm not sure the thing to do is move her closer to you, that would just fuel her expectations of you even more. I would use the distance as an excuse (if you need to give her one) and just pull back as much as possible. You owe her nothing and you are already doing more than enough, considering how she has treated you.

I don't think you're unreasonable to not want to make the unpleasant drive there very often. Can you try and have another talk with your mum and be candid that you are finding it too much and drop down to once a fortnight/3 weeks? And have a couple of phone calls in between? It sound like her basic needs are being met with carers coming in and any admin/shopping she needs, you could do from home. If she complains, you should reiterate that moving closer to you is an option if she wants to see you more often. Don't feel bad - it sounds like you are doing a lot for her when she wasn't much of a mum to you!

Oh op, you have been doing way more than enough for too long. You really need to step back. She’s not going to is she, she has you where she wants you currently. Stop going so often, and defo dont move her closer to you, jeez. You say your siblings have better boundaries than you - clearly - start channeling that.

Blimey, that's exactly what the OP has said she's done.

YANBU. You are working beyond your capacity. What are doing would be a lot for somebody in good health but you are chronically ill and in fact your illness is
poorly controlled. If you carry on like you are now, you will become much more unwell.

1. Tell your mother that you are now coming once every 2 months (or whatever) and tbat it will be to spend time with her not do chores
2. Insist she gets more outside help
3. Book yourself into talking therapy to work through how she treated you as a teen and how she is treating you now. It will help you feel less guilty.

I was ready to call you a b*tch. But nah, fuck her. Being 90 doesn't erase the past.

This can be a difficult time to navigate even when there isn't the backstory you have. Sometimes you pretty much have to force the additional help on them. It looks like you've fallen victim to "status quo bias" in that the current set up works for your mum and siblings so nobody has any inclination to change it, hoping that their inaction means you will have to carry on doing all the work.

It's completely natural burn out, compounded by all sorts of other issues.

Definitely not being unreasonable. Once she realises you're not her servant any more she'll accept more paid help.

God that must be 50 years ago. You have no idea what else was happening in the house. Was Mum being controlled?
Did she have many options?

It must be hard now for a mum to leave with kids, 50 years ago, 70s, early 80s it would have been so much harder.

Dial back the visits/support to the same level as your siblings. This is not all on you to manage and you shouldn't feel guilty. You have given her options and she hasn't taken them so, consequences.

Excellent post from @TicTac80.

At 90 you should be able to request a social care assessment, which can look at providing additional support, carers etc. She may not like it, but you would be justified in telling a white lie and saying you are unwell and cannot attend to her as often/immediately and that (another fib) you need to know she is safe and cared for.

I totally agree. I don’t think there are many people who would want their children wrecking their own lives by looking after them.
OP, I would ask to get this post moved to the elderly parents board where you will get more support. It is a common problem.
OP, just ignore the guilt and don’t go so often. As your mother is 90 things will only get worse. I am fairly LC with my mother who is thankfully in a home now. I don’t owe her anything because she only put herself first.

Yes, I agree.

Could you slightly exaggerate the immediate risk for you to make the point. EG: Mum, there’s a high chance I’m going to have hospital treatment for condition X next year, so I’m putting this in place now so my being out of action for a while won’t cause you any immediate issues”

Im assuming she has applied for attendance allowance which is not means tested and will enable you/ her to employ the carers for more hours- which would provide company for her as well as practical help. I agree cut down to one visit a month and one phone call a week.

The OP has already sorted a cleaner and gardener. Yay for reading comprehension.

Head over to the Elderly Parents forum, you will get amazing support and suggestions on pulling back guilt free.
The cockroach hotel in particular

OP, who is paying for the cleaner and gardener you’ve organised for her?

Too often IMO the trouble is not just that they don’t want any more outside help, they don’t want to pay for it, either!

Dh’s old aunt sent away all the help he organised for her (‘Too loud! Too common!) but the truth was that she absolutely hated parting with any of her cash - of which she had plenty.

Does it make you feel better/that it's more manageable, OP @AnOnne ? That's the main thing, not anyone else's opinion.

Gosh you have gone above and beyond. I don’t think saying it’s too much for you is an exaggeration, you’ll be burned out in no time the way it’s going, despite making a few changes already. You have your own life to lead and you are important too. People like your mum manage to get their own way because people are too nice just say ‘no, enough. This is what I can do’. It’s only then she might recognise that extra help isn’t such a bad idea.