AIBU? Sister wants to bring her abusive ex to our mum’s 60th

[LardyMcLardarse]

My sister split up with her partner six months ago. It was a ugly breakup. He spent three years controlling every move she made, isolating her from us, and screaming in her face over nothing. We spent months picking up the pieces and helping her get out. Now she’s announced they are "giving things another go."

Our mum’s 60th birhday dinner is next weekend. It’s a small family gathering, ten of us at a restaurant. Yesterday my sister texted the family group chat saying he’s coming with her.

I messaged her privately and said no fucking way. I told her he isn't welcome around the family after everything he put her through, and that turning mum's celebration into a tense dinner isn't fair.

She’s now refusing to come at all and claiming I'm deliberately sabotaging her relationship and ruining mum's big day. Mum is upset and asking me to just keep the peace for one night. I refuse to sit at a dinner table and act like everything is fine with a man who's brokeen my sister down for years.

AIBU to draw the line here, or should I just shut up for mum's sake?

Name changed for this obviously.

I don't blame you. Especially if you booked/planned it. You mum should be ashamed of herself for facilitating it.

If it is your mum’s birthday dinner, and she wants to let your sister bring the ex, then I think you have to accept that, @LardyMcLardarse - though I think you are not at all unreasonable in your opinion.

I don’t blame you, but I don’t think you are going to get the outcome you are looking for here by banning him.

Given it’s your mums birthday then it’s up to her really. God knows what’s going through your sister head, and it’s unfair for you to have to potentially pick the pieces up yet again when it all goes to shit, but I couldn’t risk cutting her off when she’s back with her abuser.

What a horrible situation, however by
not allowing him to attend/you not attending could make him isolate your sister from the family and make her more vulnerable to abuse. She needs you to be involved in her life

Put a smilr
on your face, bite tour tongue and so r drink too much wine. He’ll do or say something Al on his own that will show her what you know.

I don’t blame you but it’s not your party. If your mum says he can come then I’d respect her wishes.

You could try appealing to your sister's better nature when she's calmed down and asking if you could both put mum first for this evening - she comes to the dinner without her boyfriend and you don't mention the subject at all.

Unfortunately, if she won't give in and your mum would rather have the boyfriend there than not have your sister, then I don't think you have much choice. I think you'll have put up with him for one evening and plaster on a smile for Mum's sake. I don't envy you at all.

Wine might help, although if you're like me it could go either way. It might make the evening pass quickly in a pleasant haze or it might remove all my filters and result in me saying something I might regret.

He's not her ex, they are back together, so you need to treat him as her partner again. While letting her know that you'll be there if it all falls apart again.

EstoyRobandoSuCasa
That is so like me. Wine usually has a calming effect on me, but in these circumstances I couldn't guarentee it!

You're not wrong for your feelings, but your mother wants her daughter at her birthday celebration. As it's not your day and ge won't be abusing you, calm down and let your sister sort out her affairs.
You don't have to spend time them after the dinner.

Has he done anything to try change his previous behaviour? Therapy or quitting substances if he was on them?

No she doesn't. Just because het foolish sister has taken her abuser back, doesn't mean OP had to accept him with open arms. I'd refuse to be in the same room as him too.

I would do the same as you OP. Sorry. You sister is, quite frankly an idiot getting back together with him as she'd got away.
I couldn't share a table with an abuser, even if was mums birthday. The only thing that's a worry is that the abuser will use this against you and your family, creating even a bigger divide as controlling is easier once family and friends are out of the picture.

I’m afraid if that is what your mum wants, I’d go along with her wishes. However, I would not pull any punches in his presence and likely make the evening highly uncomfortable for him. I would not direct any conversation to him directly and grey rock any questions he asks me. I wouldn’t go out of my way to be rude but just the normal flow of conversation will likely be enough. Eg if you are discussing s day out you had ‘that was just after x hit you and you spent the night in an and e wasn’t it?’ That sort of thing. Caveat on who is paying. I assume everyone is paying for themselves. If you are paying then I would be absolutely explicit that if he comes, I’m not paying for him.

It is up to your Mum really
In your shoes I would not speak to him or give 1 word answers if I had to but if yoru sister doesn't come then this abusive arsehole has won
The best thing to do is leave the door open to her and hope she does eventually manage to leave him for good.

Unfortunately I do think it's up to your mum as its her party. However you are absolutely not unreasonable in your opinion of him, and tbh would tell your sister not to come crying to me when it all goes wrong again 🤷‍♀️ she's made her bed

Do you know why your sister has taken him back? Do they have children together?

I don't think that she should have invited him to your mum's birthday meal. She must realise how awkward it will be for everyone. Do you think that he has bullied her into inviting him?

That abusive man is now spoiling your mum's birthday celebrations. If he goes, there'll be tension, if he doesnt go, there'll be tension. What a twat.

Don't allow him to be there. If your mum insists, tell her it's not her responsibility to manage their relationship. It's her birthday and it should be an enjoyable occasion. Your sister can stay away if that's what she chooses to do.

Unfortunately, if they are together again, there is nothing you can do and it would be unreasonable for him not to be invited to a normal family get together at which partners would routinely be expected to attend.

If it's any consolation, AFTER SIL and exBIL broke up, we didn't invite him to a very small, casual, family event as they were BROKEN UP albeit still living in the same house. We are still suffering the consequences of that years later. Apparently we were totally unreasonable.

The problem with relationships and men like these is that they use the fact that you dislike him as a further tool to beat their victims with, and to further isolate them. So as you become completel unable to bear being in the same room with him, he actually gets what he wants - which is her isolated from her family an dsupport structure.

No of course not, hes just back in "helpless troubled nice guy" mode pretending to be full of regret for his choices.

I honestly dont think I will be able to hide my loathing.

Yes, a 2 year old. He got her pregnant really really fast.

From what I've been told of previous behaviour. It was likely a choice of "either we both go or neither of us go"

At this point I feel like I may just choose to stay away myself.

I presume he has told her that she can't go if he isn't going.

I suppose you could say to your mum well it is him or me - and not go yourself.

Or you could suck it up for this one night and make sure you are sitting well away from him and let the night unfold as it will. Your mother has chosen any tension as has your sister. It won't be your fault.

Your sister is completely in the wrong here but he has done a number on her for years. I hope she'll get free from him some day.

(make sure you watch Bad Sisters before the dinner and tell him it is your favourite show- so realistic).

I got quite good at superficial - greeting on arrival and departure. And largely no additional contact. At family events and BBQs I just made sure I never sat near him and if he came to talk to me I'd make polite small talk for 1-2 minute then get up to refresh my drink/check on DC/help in kitchen.

what did help with us a bit was that he was alwways so morose and unpleasant around us and SIL was aware of it. x100 when DH and I started refusing to take it. So he'd arrive at our house and barely greet us and we'd say a very firm, overly cheery, "HI BIL". She was always mortified by it and it was one of the many contributing factors to her eventually seeing what a dick he was. [although spoiler, he's still causing chaos years later. sorry.]

It's unbearable though. I really do feel your pain.