AIBU? Sister wants to bring her abusive ex to our mum’s 60th

[LardyMcLardarse]

My sister split up with her partner six months ago. It was a ugly breakup. He spent three years controlling every move she made, isolating her from us, and screaming in her face over nothing. We spent months picking up the pieces and helping her get out. Now she’s announced they are "giving things another go."

Our mum’s 60th birhday dinner is next weekend. It’s a small family gathering, ten of us at a restaurant. Yesterday my sister texted the family group chat saying he’s coming with her.

I messaged her privately and said no fucking way. I told her he isn't welcome around the family after everything he put her through, and that turning mum's celebration into a tense dinner isn't fair.

She’s now refusing to come at all and claiming I'm deliberately sabotaging her relationship and ruining mum's big day. Mum is upset and asking me to just keep the peace for one night. I refuse to sit at a dinner table and act like everything is fine with a man who's brokeen my sister down for years.

AIBU to draw the line here, or should I just shut up for mum's sake?

Yes I think I'd pull out of the meal and take your mum out for lunch on another day. And I'd probably be a bit less supportive of the dsis when it all falls apart again. Just how many times does she expect her family to deal with the damage caused by this nobhead?

Yabu. Your mum wants you and your sister there, you're making a drama out of your muns 60th

I would feel like you, OP. But in the end I would let him come. First, because it is your mum’s birthday and she wants her daughter there and second, because there is every chance he has told your sister she can’t go if he doesn’t. I would want to keep my eye on him, and the door open to my sister, at all costs.

If your mum is happy with him coming then I would bite my tongue for one night and not see him again after that. This is between you and your sister (and her bf) and it’s unfair to bring your mum into it and punish her by not going to her 60th unless you wouldn’t be able to stop yourself causing a scene

i think by the time you get near 60 you’ve seen various people leave abusive men then go back a few times before making a final break .

Obviously I don’t know what your Mum is thinking but I think she is playing the long game. You tolerate the fucker if you absolutely have to then swoop in when they finally split up. Been there with a few friends over the years. Really hard but pays off in the end usually.

I voted YABU too.
Sometimes other people's feelings and wishes have to come before your own.

Studies have shown it takes a victim of domestic abuse an average of 7 times for them to leave their abusive partner. He no doubt has wormed his way back in promising things will ‘be like they were at the start’ (before he chose to start abusing her).

Without realising, you’re now giving him exactly what he wants as he can now convince her that not coming to the dinner because ‘her own sister won’t even let her live her own life’ is her ‘choice’. It’s not of course, he knows full well you won’t want him there and will have predicted this turn of events. It’s far easier to abuse someone that is isolated from family and friends that will encourage the victim to leave.

She’s not alone in this statistic (or stupid or whatever else some people might say about victims of abuse). She is a victim, and your presence and support will be completely invaluable to getting her out of this relationship for good.

If it were me I would send an apology text for being ‘so unreasonable’ and that of course you want to be there for her and her rekindled relationship. And with him? Butter would NOT melt. Nice as pie. Or at the very least calmly neutral about the whole thing. He will desperately try to find a reason to split you both up, don’t let him.

One day she will call you and be so glad you are there waiting to help get her out. So don’t shut up for your mum’s sake, do it for your sister.

In the meantime direct all of your anger at quietly understanding the patterns of domestic abuse and why abusers do what they do so you’re able to spot any signs or shifts as soon as they happen. Take care of yourself too, it’s a horrendous thing to go through for your sister as well as you and your family. Sending strength to you all

Reading this post and your one above, it looks to me as though you've totally forgotten about your mum.

Are you really going to prioritise your feelings about this man, over your mum?
Cause a scene because you can't hide your loathing? Not go yourself because you don't want to be near him?

No, you turn up, and you don't let him make you ruin her birthday. Anything other than polite and relaxed treatment of him is going to make the event really awkward for her.

You're a grown up and this is about your mum and her birthday. It's going to be your hardest acting gig, but you owe it to your mum. Save your anger with this man and your sister for another time, when she isn't present.

Your poor mother, my heart goes out to her.

Say you have no issues with her being back with him and it’s whatever makes her happy (the more you slag him off the more she’ll stay with him).

But tell her that it’s not appropriate to invite him to the meal as it will be awkward for everyone, especially him and your mum (the only one that matters here).

Your sister is behaving very much in keeping with someone who has endured horrendous and prolonged abuse.

and your reaction seems to be to have a tantrum @LardyMcLardarse

Why dont you leave them all to it and say you are not going to take part in a farce. Then invite your mum out some other time with just your family. Sadly ppl often blame the messenger and your mum would rather bury her head in the sand than acknowledge that what you say is true .

This is a great post and is spot on. I hope the OP reads it. Now he knows the family is aware of his abuse, he will do everything he can to isolate the sister and manipulate her into thinking it is her decision not to be in contact with her family. It’s not stupidity on the sister’s part, it’s simply the result of being a victim of abuse.

Stop making it about yourself. Your mum wants your sister there, by the sound of it your sister may not be able to go without him. Dont make it even easier for him to isolate her.

I totally understand why you don't want this abuser to your mum's birthday dinner. But, I think if your mom's wish is to tolerate his presence,you will either have to go along with it or not attend yourself, which will of course upset your mum. I would also attend with as good a grace as I could muster. Then after the event you can decide how you want to go forward with the whole situation regarding how/ if you are going to support your sister next time it all blows up again, which as you know it will.

Try not to let him ruin things for you as well as ruining your sisters life, she is obviously in a bad place to allow abuse. I don't see a problem though with being blatent about how much you dislike him! She needs to hear the truth.

It is almost as though you have not done even the slightest bit of reading around domestic abuse @LardyMcLardarse

Thanks @Boopsi, I do too. You’re so right about how this will develop now he knows the family are aware too. Society seems to reserve the term ‘grooming’ just for people that abuse children but all abusers groom their adult victims too.

Sometimes the period of grooming is long and sometimes very short, but it’s a process and involves setting a foundation of positivity or fun or comfort or meeting essential needs (or any other ‘good’ adjective that the victim responds to) and then slowly breaking down that victim so they begin to independently believe that any shift away from that good foundation is their own fault.

Yes victims can (and do) walk away from this, but people seem to think that the consequences of being groomed are immediately eradicated when leaving. If only shaking off trauma was so simple.

It’s utterly despicable behaviour and the media does absolutely no favours in helping people understand that process, hence so much victim blaming. It really does make you despair doesn’t it 😔