AIBU? Sister wants to bring her abusive ex to our mum’s 60th

[LardyMcLardarse]

My sister split up with her partner six months ago. It was a ugly breakup. He spent three years controlling every move she made, isolating her from us, and screaming in her face over nothing. We spent months picking up the pieces and helping her get out. Now she’s announced they are "giving things another go."

Our mum’s 60th birhday dinner is next weekend. It’s a small family gathering, ten of us at a restaurant. Yesterday my sister texted the family group chat saying he’s coming with her.

I messaged her privately and said no fucking way. I told her he isn't welcome around the family after everything he put her through, and that turning mum's celebration into a tense dinner isn't fair.

She’s now refusing to come at all and claiming I'm deliberately sabotaging her relationship and ruining mum's big day. Mum is upset and asking me to just keep the peace for one night. I refuse to sit at a dinner table and act like everything is fine with a man who's brokeen my sister down for years.

AIBU to draw the line here, or should I just shut up for mum's sake?

If he's laying on the guilt trip it will not be a threat. it will be,
"Nothin i do is ever good enough for your family. YOu've accepted me back and I'm trying but they just don't see it and I guess i just have to accept that they hat eme and I'm so sad and down about it and it makes me feel so horrible about myself...."

And the subtext that she's also hearing loud and clear is, "and it's your fault for being with them and I'm trying byt you're such a bitch you're not making enough effort ot make ME feel better when I've siad I'm better and now I'm going to commit suicide/leave/treat you badly and it's not my fault"

So you are upset about her controlling ex whilst you are trying to control whether she sees him or goes to your mums birthday!

I get where you are coming from. My DSIS got back with her separated H just before Christmas. He was vile, nasty and treated her dreadfully. Somehow he persuaded her to try again and she wanted to host Christmas with us all being nice to him for her sake.
So we did.. it was dreadful and he fooled no one. A month later he was off again leaving her distraught again. I really wish we had stuck to our guns and not agreed to waste Christmas on him.

You need to allow him to go. She needs to know that you support her, so that when the time comes for her to escape that she can come to you without fear of judgement.

By banning him you are effectively banning her. It’s not your intention, but it is what will happen. It will give him what he wants, to keep her isolated, without having to do any of the work to do it.

Don’t let him win. Welcome him with open arms, smile even when you want to punch him, and be ready to grab her back from him the minute she is ready to leave him.

I think I’d tell my mum I was unable to be at the same event as him and ask your mum if you and her can celebrate separately. I wouldn’t be able to go along with it.

Nope nope nope. Yanbu. Hell would freeze over before I entertained being in the same room as an abusive piece of shit like that. And your mum should be ashamed as well.

And your sister is a fucking moron. I don't care what anyone says about abuse blah blah blah. That doesn't apply here. She got away from him and she knows what he is like. Absolutely moronic to go back to it.

Don't hide it then.
If I had to tolerate his presence for the sake of my mum I would just totally ignore him and any input he may give. As if he weren't even there.

I approve of your instinct to hold the line.

If you have arranged the birthday dinner yourself maybe change the booking so its just you and your family plus your Mum and have it as just your family treating your Mum. Then tell your sister she will have to do something for your Mum separately as "frankly Sister I am still recovering from supporting you for x number of months, I've done enough and now I'm having a break from it all"
If this is not a dinner that you have arranged yourself then I'm not sure what to advise.
You could just not engage and not go.
You could say you are going and then pretend you are ill that night and take your Mum out another time.
This must be so hard for all of you and I'm really sorry you are going through this.

I’m surprised your mother can stomach him, to be honest. Mad what people will put up with and call it ‘keeping the peace’.

It's your mum's birthday dinner so rather than have her upset, I'd just suck it up for the evening.

She's the most important person on the night.

And your sister will date whoever she wants anyway.

Yes. Unless he's going to start hitting people or something in public (and if so, call the police!) how does it help anything to upset your mum? He is not going to be less likely to abuse your sister behind closed doors if you ban him from a party! If anything, it'll be the opposite. Unless you really think he's going to think, oh dear, I've be banned from MIL's do, now that's made me really think about things and it'll stop me hurting my wife in the future? Abusers don't generally think this way. So all you're doing is upsetting everyone, and maybe even putting her at more risk, OP.

I have total sympathy with you for feeling that way.. but don't let the rotten idiot push you out of your DM's birthday. Don't give him the power to ruin family occasions for you, your DM and your sister. It will only give him an easier time at the party if you don't go.

It will only make your DM feel bad as he sits there gloating away if you don't go.

I don't think you are unreasonable at all not to want him there.. if there's only 10 of you, but I think you will have to bow to your DM's wishes (whilst still wishing she wasn't being so lenient on him)

Sit as far away as possible and cheerfully act as though he's completely invisible. (He'll find that much more annoying)

She won’t be allowed to come without him. So you either ignore them both and sit at the other end and let her know she can contact you if she needs to leave (again) or you can drop out.

Exactly this. And why should OP make herself available when he abuses her sister again. It's clear that the sister has no respect for her own family let alone for herself and it's not OPs job to hang around picking up the pieces.

Whatever you do he will turn it to his advantage Op, if you don't go he'll do the your family have always hated me, it's their fault we broke up line, if you do go he'll either be sullen all evening or try to charm you so that the evenings all about him. I'd go for your DMs sake but don't let him dominate the evening

FFS! OP quite understandably doesn't want her sister's hideously abusive ex-partner at her mum's 60th birthday celebration. No-one wants him there apart from OP's sister who has obviously been bullied into it.

If he had any shame, he wouldn't want to be in a restaurant filled with people who hate his guts but he obviously sees it as a challenge and a way to control OP's sister and ruin the evening for everyone else.

Stay home. When he's a cunt its not your duty to sort the evening out..

just wondering who has organised/is paying for the meal
I would either totally blank him or kill him with kindness
don’t let him get the upper hand by staying away and giving him the chance to say - well I m trying but she’s not giving me a chance

I would also do this on the grounds that it would be better to do this than do what Fleabag did to Martin which was to punch him in the face. But I'd be dreaming of doing that.

If your mother wants him and her there, I agree with others that the best option is for you to stay at home. Let mum and the rest of the guests deal with any fallout/tension/behaviour issues. I wouldn't sit in the same room as him if I were in that situation. You are making your point without having to endure the fallout.

Bring mum out for a special lunch or something instead.

What a stupid take on the situation.

Having boundaries and refusing to be pushed into something by an abuser is not controlling.

Is the 2yo safe? Is there a risk that your sister might have them taken away?

There are a lot of cowards on this thread. I'm glad you're not one of them OP.

Yes it's your mum's birthday but unless she's Jesus Christ, it's hardly the occasion of a lifetime.

I would point out to your sister that leopards don’t change spots and you are very disappointed she has opened herself up for more abuse especially as there is a child involved.

I would point out your mother supported her when she made the sensible decision to leave and that it’s unacceptable for her to have to see the man who abused her daughter at her birthday

i would also point out that her insistence that he will be attending sounds like he has started the control issue again, is he actually saying she can’t go if he doesn’t? Surely she wants a nice evening with her mother and sister, and not to have both upset by bringing an abuser,

if she insists then, however much it may upset your mother, I would still go but literally walk away when he comes anywhere near me and make it very clear you are extremely unhappy your sister has done this

Unfortunately, you can't dictate who someone wants to be with...even if their choices are disastrous.
Given that your mum is accepting of him coming, and your sister is insisting she wants him there, it's up to you to either accept that or stay away.
If there are 10 of you at the dinner...presumably 11 now he has wormed himself in, would it not be easy to just ignore him?.