Son hates secondary school

[Patt1poblan0]

My son, just turned 11 in Aug hates his secondary school and I am panicking.

he’s always been a really happy little boy. We’ve never really pushed him academically because I believe well roundedness is more important but his brain naturally likes maths, patterns etc. he tracked above expectations all through primary and then scored a brilliantly high score (much better than I could have got) in the grammar tests without any regular tutoring (I did familiarisation at home with him but that’s it)

I thought he’d fit right into grammar school. We chose a balanced one that offers lots of extra curriculars, it was the highest ranked school he was offered but I thought he’d like it.

now he hates school. He hates leaving his friends behind, he hates the pressure, he cried before school today and I am panicking. I feel sick to my stomach that we didn’t just send him to one of the three local comps in our area.

has anyone’s else’s kids been through this? Did they settle?

Sorry was not the highest ranked school he was offered, but we chose it because it offered more extra curriculars

Find out more about the pressure and the other chikdren
what feels pressured?

if it’s not for him, best to move school and look into it as I suppose if he didn’t have that pressure before of studying / tutors etc
it can feel hard to adjust

To give another perspective, my daughter took a good 6 months to settle into Secondary school. She went to a partially selective state school and didn’t know anyone else. We were in daily contact with the pastoral team who, thankfully, were excellent. We had a pinch me moment a week or so ago when we looked back to how unsettled she was in year 7 and how much better she is in year 8. It’s still very early days. I’d recommend getting in touch with his form tutor and wider support team straight away and seeing what they can do to help.

If he really doesn't enjoy it by christmas hoildays id consider moving him to a nearby state school.

Well he’s gone from no pressure at all to a high pressure school. That’s obviously going to be a huge adjustment. Also, most kids in grammar are bright, so where he might have found himself very bright compared to his peers in primary with relatively little effort, that will not be the case in a high ranking grammar.

i guess it’s up to you to establish whether he will be able to cope with the pressure and competition in the longer run. He is only 2 months in and lots of kids struggle with the transition.

Its a big jump from primary to secondary.

Hiw long is his commute?
Did all his primary friends go to same school?
Is it just pressure if having to make new friends?
The curriculum being that little bit faster paced?

Perhaps not being the brightest in the class (which can be a huge shock for some kids) or being able to cruise on natiral ability and having to work a bit more?

Get in touch with the school qnd get some pastoral support.

Thank you all for replying. I tried to get him to tell me more about the pressure. He says the work is easy but the school is strict and the teachers aren’t fun. I know our local secondary is also known to be quite disciplinarian and he went to a tiny primary which where his teachers were so kind and nurturing. He cried this morning and said I just want to go back for one more lesson at my old school.

It took my son a term to settle into his secondary comprehensive. Some of it is probably the transition. Give it until Christmas.

He was also saying he wanted to go back to primary!

Teachers usually mellow as the term progresses. At the beginning they want to set boundaries and be strict. Some grammar schools are also not very diverse and some children need some time to adjust to many students having unusual names and not being able to distinguishing their faces easily. Clubs usually help. Is he doing any of the clubs? Transitions always take lots of energy. Half term is coming and perhaps he can rest then and have more energy afterwards to make friends and join clubs.

thank you all, you’re really helping me sort out ny head. It was just such a shock when he cried today, he’s usually such an even tempered child.

so he has said he’s not finding the work difficult but he’s finding the strictness difficult, things like detentions for forgetting books etc. I know that’s a huge change from primary school.

his primary school teachers were amazing - they cared so much about each child, will still come over and check on him if they see him out and about, they had ‘in jokes’ and shows they watched because the kids liked them etc. he says all the teachers at secondary are strict and ‘not fun’ and I don’t know how much of this is a grammar things and how much is a school thing

the kids are the biggest issue. He knew lots of his primary friends since nursery and actually had a very even balance between friends that were boys and girls. This is an all boys school and quite football heavy.

the commute is long - he takes a 35 min train and I know he hates getting up earlier. We actually did try to move nearer the school but he doesn’t want to leave his old friends behind

He’s my first going up to secondary school and I feel absolutely panicked that I’ve messed up his choice and his life for the next 5 years

Sorry I’ve missed some questions - his primary school friends have ended up in 5 different secondaries (mix of state and private) however only 1 has a commute as long as my sons so they often meet up earlier than him after school to play.

he is doing after school sports three times a week, maybe I’ll cut those down for the winter. He isn’t doing any lunchtime clubs as ‘all the other boys just want to play football’ obviously not true as they wouldn’t run the clubs then, but I think he’s very sensitive to being left out

he was an out of catchment admission due to his scores, so some of the kids in class know each other already whereas he doesn’t know anyone else in class

he is 100% used to cruising on natural ability and might be unsettled by having to try a bit harder now - from what I can see of homework/ tests he’s still performing well but maybe trying is uncomfortable as he hasn’t had to develop that skill

I also think maybe give it until Christmas but if you think you might move him, start looking at your options now. Talk to other parents and see who has space. Also mention to the other school that he is struggling, especially if it continues.

I think the boys only thing will be as much a problem as it being secondary or grammar and is not something I would have wanted for my son.

I feel you're assuming part of the issue is with the school being a grammar school but it may be that he would have struggled with the transition to any secondary school, especially if he's finding the work easy but the teachers strict. They may be just as strict in a comp, and the students' behaviour may possibly be worse.
I think you need to try and drill down a bit more into what specifically is bothering him or that might help him eg joining a lunchtime club/ hanging out in the library at lunchtime. Is the long commute something he's finding particularly hard? Is he unhappy just being with boys, no girls?
Can you speak to his form tutor and ask if there's any support they can give with settling in?
Can you speak to parents if his friends at other local schools (assuming they have spaces) and ask them to be honest about their DC are finding things?
It may not be as straightforward as grammar = bad, comp = better

Grammar schools are state schools.

It is a bit like when they start Reception. It is nearly half term and most of them are exhausted, especially those with a long commute and who are young in the year! There is so much to adjust to, lots of subjects, clubs, commute, new friends. See how he feels after half term. Does he get 2 weeks off?

I'd say don't panic (at least not yet). My son didn't really settle in to secondary school until after Christmas, and that was despite the majority of his friends going to the same school. It's so different to primary school, and it can take a while to adjust, we're still not really that long into the new school year.

I'd say give it a bit more time before making any major decisions. After that first full term, my son was perfectly fine, but we also were very surprised that it took so long.

Moving into secondary school is a difficult transition and having friends that you are familiar with during that, makes all the difference. I would be tempted to move him to a school where he will be with at least some of his key primary school friends. I would not have placed him in a school where he doesn’t know any of the children.

Bless you both, this is hard and you clearly want the best for him. I know that the biggest drop off in feeling belonging in school comes with Y7. It is an almost universal issue. If the change of school style is exceptionally big for him, then it might not be very different anywhere - unless you are looking at swapping to a tiny private secondary.

I'd suggest he asks for support in school, like ELSA, or asking for some other sort of emotional support. Perhaps look at a lunchtime club that will give him a bit of an emotional break mid day. It's so tricky, but I'd hope it would be possible for you to say you acknowledge his feelings without saying that there is something wrong with the school or him. I was told by a tutor once when I was struggling that it felt hard because it was hard, and that was ok. It doesn't mean it won't all be ok in the end.

The move to secondary is a huge change and it can come as a shock.

This was me as a child. I passed the 11+ and went to a grammar school. There was only me and 2 other girls from my primary school who passed. However, they were best friends and were in a different form. All my friends went to the local comp, and I was devastated because I wanted to go with them.
I was bullied for the first few months and was really lonely. I hated it and cried every day when I got home. Everyone else in my form had at least 1 friend from their old school with them.

I struggled with not being the brightest student anymore as well. Little fish in a big pond type thing. The work was absolutely nothing like at primary school, and there was a hell of a lot of homework.

But, after a few months I did make friends and started to come out of my shell. One of the girls from the popular group who was bullying me stuck up for me when he friend started having a go at me saying "leave her alone, she's actually alright".

I settled in and found my footing. After a year or so I didn't see my friends from primary school at all.

It takes time and perseverance. I'm happy now that my mum didn't give into me and pull me out.

I’m a tutor and I primarily work with home educated kids, but I have some students in full time school. I have seen a lot of similar situations and my advice always is give them till Christmas - if you see 0 improvement then start to think about alternative options. I wouldn’t move them straight away, I say on the whole try 6 months if the kid is neurotypical, but Christmas is when you should start to seriously think about it. Include your son in the conversations and decision making process.

When you say 'we chose' the school and that you're worried you've messed things up for him - did he have any say in what school he went to? I'm just wondering if he was involved in the decision or whether you as the parents decided which school you thought he'd like most.

It's early days. I'd give him more time to settle.

Primary to secondary is a big step, and he might we'll have felt the same at the other schools, so don't beat yourself up.

My Son failed the 11 plus and I cried! He went to an all boys SM and settled well. The first term was hard though .Now he says it was the best School he went to.He excelled and went to an RG uni to study Science ,

tiny primary to big secondary is tough no matter what sort of secondary.

this sort of thing is why the nurturing small primary that is exactly right for your six year old doesn’t give a halfway house between that and a 1000 person secondary.

honestly, this was going to be a tricky transition no matter which secondary he went to.