Son hates secondary school

[Patt1poblan0]

My son, just turned 11 in Aug hates his secondary school and I am panicking.

he’s always been a really happy little boy. We’ve never really pushed him academically because I believe well roundedness is more important but his brain naturally likes maths, patterns etc. he tracked above expectations all through primary and then scored a brilliantly high score (much better than I could have got) in the grammar tests without any regular tutoring (I did familiarisation at home with him but that’s it)

I thought he’d fit right into grammar school. We chose a balanced one that offers lots of extra curriculars, it was the highest ranked school he was offered but I thought he’d like it.

now he hates school. He hates leaving his friends behind, he hates the pressure, he cried before school today and I am panicking. I feel sick to my stomach that we didn’t just send him to one of the three local comps in our area.

has anyone’s else’s kids been through this? Did they settle?

Yes.
The first half term is exhausting.Give it time - still very early days

Its is not uncommon with high flyers from primary school to absolutely hit a wall in early secondary school. They often never had to be resilient, work, or proof themselves. They just think its all easy - and suddenly it isn’t, and there are plenty kids around who are smart and used to work.
Now, especially in a grammar school, they suddenly have to do/be all three on top of a new school/new friends.
Pretty much all the natural high flyers from my oldest son’s primary school had a very rough year 7, whereas my severely dyslexic son had a super smooth transition- mainly because he is very used to work hard and deal with setbacks/ask for help if needed. Similar for a very smart child who did a very demanding sport - absolutely smooth transition due to resilience and work ethic.
He’ll get there!

I’m so sorry he is finding it tough. Sorry for you too - seeing our children upset is heart wrenching.

But I think it is too early to give up right now. It’s only been a few weeks and there is every chance he would feel the same at a different school - the jump between primary and secondary is big, it’s a new (likely larger) school, new teachers, new kids, new commute. It will likely just take more time to settle into and could well be the same elsewhere.

Maybe suggest he invite some friends round and build some one on one time into weekends/after school with the kids he thinks he may have stuff in common with? And lunchtime clubs are a great idea. Even one a week will put him in contact with boys with similar interests and he can play football the other four days so he doesn’t feel left out.

It also sends a poor message to kids to immediately remove them from something the second they say they don’t want to do it. I really disliked my secondary school when I first went (and I was one of the poorest kids at the private school, having come from my local comp so felt out of place.) But I remember my mum saying to me, just wait out the year and really try to meet others and focus on the work. And it worked in the end. In the longer term it taught me to try to find a way through things that can feel tough and to be resilient. And it was a good school and I got an excellent education which has set me up for life.

My s-in-law on the other hand, whenever she was a bit upset, her parents would just give in. She went to 2 different primary and 3 different secondary schools in the end. And consequently she never learned to stick things out. By the time she got to her degree, she ended up changing course, and then uni several times. She eventually left without a degree. She is an artist but has never fully completed a piece. She moves home a lot, trying to find the place that is right for her. She has never worked, and just lives off her trust fund. And while that is a luckier position than most who don’t have the luxury of that option, she is so unfulfilled and unhappy. I honestly think if she had been made to work through things and given tools to get through, she would be more resilient, settled and happy.

Finally (sorry for such a long post!) I am all for giving kids choices in lots of things, but not really when it comes to education. An 11 year old is very unlikely to fully grasp the importance of a good education on the rest of their lives. It is too big a decision to allow a child to take. So perhaps take a step back and think about why you chose this school in the first place, and talk it through with him so he understands why you think it’s the right place and to try it for longer than half a term.

Good luck, OP. All the best to your son too.

It doesn’t actually sound like any of the alternatives are going to fix his problems. Anywhere he goes will be big with more strict rules. He is going to be leaving friends behind no matter what. Going backwards is not a possibility so you need to work on him accepting the challenge and changes and finding the positives. Staff having high expectations for behaviour etc is a good thing.
You need to help him move on. I would not be putting moving out as a possibility for at least the next few months. He’s go to make an effort in his new place first.

Just to add what everyone else has said, it is a really long first term and its got to the point where everyone is exhausted so some of the tears may be down to tiredness.
Its such a huge jump from primary to secondary so I would give him more time before you make any big changes.

My DD started secondary school this term too. She is doing fine but it has made me realise how HUGE the transition from primary to secondary is - way bigger than the transition to starting primary. They have to take in huge amounts of new information and new ways of doing things. They have to move around the school, deal with a much bigger site, and get between lessons, and remember to bring the right equipment on different days. Uniform codes are usually much stricter and homework is likely to be compulsory for the first time, and there are much firmer rules around behaviour. All this is a massive amount of cognitive overload, even before you get to the actual lessons.

Then when it comes to lessons, they are doing proper specialist subjects rather than vague 'topic work'. Bright children are probably being stretched for the first time ever, when they are used to coasting along. They aren't with all their friends they have known since age 4, and they are probably not with the same children for every lesson.

Plus they are missing the comfort of the primary school they've been settled in and know inside out and the feeling of being the big kids at the school rather than feeling very small compared to the teenagers.

So I'd say it's far too soon to worry about the choice you've made, and it's totally normal that he is finding it tough. They are having a lot asked of them, and that would be true whatever school he was at. I wouldn't move him yet as there's no guarantee that things will be different at a different secondary, and the only guarantee is that it would be destabilising.

It sounds like the real problem is him missing his primary school and the easier, more nurturing atmosphere there. It certainly doesn’t sound like the problem is his grammar school.

It can take children a good 6 months or more to settle into secondary school. I’d support him, tell him how proud you are of him, and try to sprinkle some little treats in. For example, what does he do on the train to and from school? Could you get him some ear buds, an audio book he wants, a magazine, etc? Just something small to look forward to.

I’d also explain that all secondaries are strict. My DC’s gives children a very short time to change for PE and if they fail, then they get a detention; any talking in class is a demerit, etc. He needs to understand that there are no secondary schools like his primary.

So far you have said he doesn't like:

• Not being with all his friends - if they have gone to 5 different schools, they aren't all together
• School being strict - sounds like the comprehensive would be the same. Sometimes grammars are actually less strict due to less disruptive behaviour
• His friends meeting up without him - is this due to his commute or clubs? Presumably the commute only adds 30 or so minutes compared to the other kids' commute. Maybe reduce clubs right down whilst he settles

It's tough seeing them upset, but I don't know that a school move would help. He is articulating wanting to return to primary, which obviously can't happen. I'd give it at least until January and see how he is doing.

As others say, the transition is huge so give it time. I wouldn’t consider looking into moving until he’s done at least a full term.

If the two main reasons are missing friends and strictness, I don’t think moving will change much. Friendships will undoubtedly change as secondary progresses and the comps will likely be more strict than the grammars as they have broader behavioural issues to manage.

If it’s the pressure or difficulty of the work, that might be worth considering a move. But at less than half a term in, you can’t really know much on that front yet.

It’s really tough to see them struggling though, so I feel for you x

I would get in touch asap with his form teacher and head of year 7and tell them how he is feeling so that they can support him. It is perfectly normal to feel this way and he may well have felt like this in a state school.

The first few weeks are laying down the rules and enforcing them. The contrast to primary is huge. Their teacher only has 1 class and they stay in one classroom. If they mess about in primary school they miss 5 minutes of break, at secondary mess around and it is verbal warnings followed by detention. They now have multiple teachers, move around the school and have far more detailed lessons in humanities and science than they ever did at primary. It is all massive change.

Getting into the routine of secondary is harder because they have never had to bring in books before. Set him up for success, help him right now, don't do it for him. Walk him through his timetable, get his bag packed the night before, get a system going for homework. Mine had a homework time slot. They also never took their pencil case out of their bag so they never forgot their essential equipment, that was always a big worry for them. We had all the pens and pencils they needed at home. Their timetable was pinned up in several places including on the back of the front door for the last second bag check.

He will feel more tired than normal, pretty much all year 7s do because the mental load of new surroundings, new friends, travelling to school and regular homework is completely different to primary. They are out of the place that was familiar for years. No parents in the playground picking them up, the whole thing is different. Teachers are "strict" and "not fun" because they are setting a tone, if you start off soft then the class can become chaotic with behaviour. And I hate to say it but they are there to learn not to be entertained although teachers really try hard to make it fun and engaging.

I would talk to him and talk through why this is the best choice of school for him. Even if he went to a state school he may not still be friends with anyone he knows who goes there. After years of 30 or 60 children in a year group there are suddenly hundreds to choose their friends from. Drop some of the after school stuff for now, encourage more lunch time clubs etc. He would probably feel the same pressure from a state school, mine did.

I remember this feeling from starting grammar school - and, like your DS, I am "summer-born", a bit disconcerted by being surrounded by girls more cool and worldly. Like him, I coped with the work but found the teachers more formidable, and came to realise that some (not all, to be fair!) would unbend a little as they got our measure, once they knew we would not take liberties; the old teaching adage "Don't smile until Christmas" is an exaggeration, but you get the idea...
There was only one other girl there from my old primary, and I'm definitely not sporty, but after a while I found my tribe, shared tasks in class led to finding common ground, and my DM suggested taking a favourite book in to read at break, leading to befriending another bookish friend; is he too old for the dreaded football cards? As PP's have said, there was no going back; the old friendship group group had gone to several different schools.
I'm not say you should dismiss his feelings, be sympathetic, but try to point out any positives you can find.

It takes time to settle. Secondary school is very different to primary school.

he may well have felt like this in a state school.

He is at a state school.

"the school is strict and the teachers aren’t fun" - that's probably going to be any large secondary school tbh.

He's been in year 7 for six weeks, so with the range of different teachers he's probably only had 10-20 or so contact hours with those teachers, who are all teaching lots of different classes of new year sevens. They're not going to have got to the point of developing deeper personal relationships yet like you would with the same teacher all day every day in a primary school. Combined with the general shift of "you're at secondary school now and have to take more personal responsibility and here are the rules we lay down to manage this building full of 1000 preteens and teenagers", it's a shock to the system going from a small nurturing primary school you've been at for more than half your life.

It does take a while to settle into secondary school. Does he do any extra curriculars?

Yes this.

Primary school teachers esp if it was a small school – your teacher will see just their class of 30 all day and often other teachers will know many of the pupils. In a one-form entry primary there will be about 200 pupils. As a secondary teacher, I typically taught around 250 pupils a week. No way can a secondary teacher of x or y subject or even his form tutor know them well enough to have in-jokes and all the other things he is missing from primary.

I used to have great conversations with my KS4 groups but that's a way off. Teachers will just be getting to know the names of the new year 7s tbh. And yes it's so different. I think you really need to stick it out (or he does). It sounds as this this school is a good fit for him overall.

My youngest DS went to the not local comp (he did not score high enough in 11+ because he fell apart at the pressure on the day), his older brother was there but friends from juniors went elsewhere. He fucking HATED it for the first term, like cried regularly, asked us to apply to other schools for him…everything you could imagine.

He’s just started year 10, loves school and is excelling. He finally settled just after Christmas of year 7, but my god it was rough, and the guilt I felt for those first 3 months for sending him to the better comp at the expense of being with his friends was horrendous.

Im telling you this so you know there is light at the end of the tunnel. He will settle. He will make friends and before you know it these few weeks/months will be just a dim and distant horrible memory.

I’d get in touch with his head of year/form teacher and let them know he’s been struggling a bit and see if the school can offer any extra support.

It does sound like most of it is normal transition issues and a lot of it would be the same at any secondary. My DD is the same age and is settling quite well but is definitely feeling the shock to the system compared to primary. She’ll be ready for a good rest at half term!

For making friends that can take a while so suggest he join some clubs to get more chance to make friends. Assure him there will definitely be other boys who don’t really know anyone and want to make friends.

I’d ask him to give it until Christmas then if he still really hates it you will start looking if there are places at other schools

You might find the comprehensives just as pressured. It's what schools are like now. Bonkers. Why can't 11-16 year olds have a smaller, nuturing environment where teachers get to know them as a person?

This sounds awful but it sounds like the commute too long also what happens if the train isn't on time,I always chose schools closer to home