Son hates secondary school

[Patt1poblan0]

My son, just turned 11 in Aug hates his secondary school and I am panicking.

he’s always been a really happy little boy. We’ve never really pushed him academically because I believe well roundedness is more important but his brain naturally likes maths, patterns etc. he tracked above expectations all through primary and then scored a brilliantly high score (much better than I could have got) in the grammar tests without any regular tutoring (I did familiarisation at home with him but that’s it)

I thought he’d fit right into grammar school. We chose a balanced one that offers lots of extra curriculars, it was the highest ranked school he was offered but I thought he’d like it.

now he hates school. He hates leaving his friends behind, he hates the pressure, he cried before school today and I am panicking. I feel sick to my stomach that we didn’t just send him to one of the three local comps in our area.

has anyone’s else’s kids been through this? Did they settle?

Poor boy going to secondary with no friends and having a long commute. (Not your fault that he didn't have a choice) Could you see if they'll now take him at one of the schools his friends go to? He sounds painfully unhappy.

The longer it's left, it could be harder for him, as friends will have established circles. Is he quite resilient other than this?

Mine went through it. So happy at primary, got into a top Independent, the only one out of his friends and we were so proud of him. He hated it, turned to gaming and fell by the wayside socially. I kept asking if he wanted to leave but he said no. Turns out he didn’t want to ‘let us all down’. I just wish I’d have moved him then and there. Move your son whilst he’s only 11.

Isn’t that quite normal? Very few from my oldest primary school went to the same secondary school, at maximum 5 to one school (they went to a mix of catholic schools, independent and state schools), and the shortest commute is just over 30 minutes.

It could be. My two had lots of friends go to the same school and were lucky enough to only be down the road, but we're in a big town with lots of schools.

I think whether most kids go to the same secondary as primary friends is very area dependent. Some areas have grammars, a significant numbers going private or just more than one state non-selective that people have a realistic chance of getting in to. Others dont. In my DD's Y6 class all but 2 children went to the same secondary and this was similar in lots of local primaries. Most kids at the secondary have very simple short commutes. A walk or short bus ride is typical. In London or other densely populated areas the picture is very different, but this isnt a universal experience.

Yes I agree. In some areas many DC from primary A will go to secondary X. Certainly for my DC about 3/4 of their year 6 class went to the local comprehensive. Some went to another school they were in catchment for. A couple went elsewhere. So yes, most friends went up together. That means little tho IME. My DD for example was very close to a friend in year 5 and 6 but by the end of year 7 she was not mentioned at all. No falling out, just found other friends.

My Dc had a very short walk to secondary, but it plenty of their friends walked 20 mins or more, or had a 10-15 min bus ride. Those who go from our area to the v popular school in the next village typically have a 20-min walk, 15-20 min bus ride, 5-min walk so their commute (to travel about 3 miles) is 45 mins plus. That's not unusual for secondary.

It is going to be hard to start with. He has to make new friends and even if lots of kids do it 35 minutes twice a day is a long commute when your 11 and not used to it. You chose the school for a reason though, i think you have to give it time. Dont think you've ruined his school years/made some unchangeable mistake. You haven't - lots of Y7's find the transition difficult. You chose in good faith based on the information you had and the options available.
I would try and make home as restful as possible (& I know unpopular with many) be as supportive & helpful as possible with organising bags, kit and homework etc. If he isnt really into football i'd encourage clubs in what he does enjoy and gently nudge him to give them a go. Reassure him that secondary teachers at all schools are strict - particularly at the start. He wont have got to know them properly yet. I'd give it to at least Xmas before considering if other options are possible or a better fit.

Secondary is a big shock. Both my DC went to the local comps, both very different personalities (the eldest is the most independent and resilient child you could meet) and both hated term 1 of secondary. It’s massive, impersonal, strict compared to the nurturing environment of primary. I’m glad i’ll
never have another secondary transition! It’s hard but it gets better

Dont panic and step in too quickly trying to fix things he may learn to given up when things feel hard. From what you have said there are very logical reasons for him feeling the way he is, very different school cultures, longer commute (though not massive); single sex school, not yet made friends. What can he learn from this ? Change can be a challenge, different doesn't always mean worse it depends on the reasons - help him understand that the teachers are helping children learn for exams and thats why the focus may feel a bit different to primary. His friends are all in different schools so they each have experienced change it doesnt mean they cant stay friends it just wont be as easy to get together but it is doable. He can and will make new friends that is an important life skill. If you think this is the wrong school you do need to give it a decent amount of time to test as no school is going to be the primary he came from. Its wonderful he had that experience its something to look for in life going forward but he also needs get ready for different situations which arent what hes had before but could be good in their own way.

It took my son a long time to adjust to his secondary school. Puberty kicks in at 13 though and they really change anyway, the little boy vanishes. I think you should hang on and Christmas is usually a nicer time at school, just wait and see if things suddenly click.

I would remind him that this is the hardest bit, when he doesn't know the other kids and everything is new. It takes a lot of getting used to, but when he's familiar with the routine and has made some friends it will be a lot easier on him.

It's the same for everyone starting secondary. Even if you have some friends from primary, they often move away and form new stronger friendships with the new kids and don't bother so much with the ones from primary (so it's best not to cling too hard to existing friends to the exclusion of potential new ones). Primary schools are very nurturing compared to secondaries, t'was ever thus. It's not personal.

Reassure him that he will get used to it in time, and to stay friendly and approachable. It will get better.

I don't think changing school will change how he feels right now.
I think he will find all schools are strict, and in some ways a non selective state school might be worse as the grammar school is less likely to have disruptive behaviour and deal with it quickly, whereas the standard schools will have kids in class that can't do the work and mess around as a distraction which is disruptive and will lead to the teachers being more controlling. It sounds more like he is finding it hard to adapt in general. I do think it is hard going from primary with 1 close teacher to multiple teachers who are all different plus the stress of moving from room to room.

Have you contacted his form tutor? I would ask how he seems at school.

I'd have to look into moving him closer to home and to one where some of his old friends are, I cohldn't bear him being so unhappy

Sometimes I think three tier education is the way to go like they do in a couple of counties, to make the transition easier and build resilience and independence up over time. Why do we just accept that secondary school has to be this awful shock to the system?

It’s actually good that his primary friends have all gone to different schools as it means he is not the only one not hanging out together at school and it will be easier for him to maintain the group friendships. As parents you can help support the group to continue outside school too where possible.
I was struck by the bit about finding the strictness of the teachers and the rules difficult. Together with his logical and advanced brain this may suggest neurodivergence. He may be really used to being easily perfect in primary and not cope well with the idea of getting any kind of criticism of his behaviour. And there’s such a lot suddenly - not being allowed to use the toilet during lessons, getting to different classrooms, every teacher different, etc so a huge lot of demands many of which have absolutely no sense or necessity behind them apart from compliance. My child struggled initially with it and it was very unexpected as he had expressed no worries, went with friends, and primary had been a doddle. It’s painful sometimes how seriously they can take it. I try my best to undermine the system.

Yes, we had this. My son was very happy throughout primary school - confident and popular. Year 7 hit him hard and he really struggled. Honestly it took a full year for him to settle but he did.
Interestingly he is also August born, I did wonder if he just wasn’t really emotionally

Thank you all, I’m so overwhelmed with so many supportive messages. inthought I’d post an update just in case anyone else is struggling.

i arranged an evening for him to see his old primary friends on Mon (to reassure him he hadn’t lost friendships) and then moved some plans so we could have a slow evening just the two of us on Tues. he finally started opening up - part of it wasn’t even school related. I’d had to travel for a bit of an emergency all weekend and left him with my brother but turned out he’d been left quite alone with screens most of the weekend and was just feeling lonely/ overwhelmed. He’s also really struggling with the food at school and was hungry so we’ve started packing a small emergency lunch box. His mood has improved hugely.

as a separate point, I wish I would have realised that the smaller and more idyllic his primary school, the harder the transition would be. I should have enrolled his in some bigger holiday clubs or teams as prep.

i haven’t spoken to the pastoral team just yet as this seems to be one off for now but I will if these feelings come up again.

i especially appreciate everyone sharing stories of their kids eventually settling - congrats to you all and thank you for reassuring me

This is so insightful. He did open up that he found it very difficult bouncing from one teacher to the next all day - he feels he doesn’t really know them and they all have slightly different expectations that he’s finding tricky. His year 6 teacher was also really warm (giving the kids cuddles and planning fun activities for them) which secondary teachers just won’t, I guess. I don’t think he’d really grasped this point from the induction days but it will be the same in all secondaries and will hopefully improve

This is so insightful. He did open up that he found it very difficult bouncing from one teacher to the next all day - he feels he doesn’t really know them and they all have slightly different expectations that he’s finding tricky. His year 6 teacher was also really warm (giving the kids cuddles and planning fun activities for them) which secondary teachers just won’t, I guess. I don’t think he’d really grasped this point from the induction days but it will be the same in all secondaries and will hopefully improve

how will he feel about classes that are disrupted by poor behaviour?
how will he feel in a school will less extra curriculars?
have you been able to arrange any play dates with other kids?
my son has been invited to a pre half term hang out at a new friends house, parents invited too.
secondary school is a big adjustment.
what happens if he is unhappy in the next one, and now he’s in a less good school and unhappy.
maybe it isn’t the right school.
so many of them are very strict or pressured.

Just to answer some questions, he does usually make friends easily and has made a new group but he says it’s not like his old friends, who have all known each other since they were 4. He did say (in his own way) that the culture was a bit of a problem - there’s a big subset of boys that boast about scores/ compete and that’s not his vibe. I talked to him about how those people will exist in every setting (work, hobbies) and he doesn’t need to engage in competing with them.