To ask for your experiences of being negged by friends and how you dealt with it?

[Neggingisnotnice]

I don't know if 'negging' is the right term but I felt like it best describes what this so called friend of mine keeps doing.

She is a long term friend of about 20 years. Not one of my very close friends but still someone I see and speak to fairly regularly.

She's always been a bit 'makes nasty comments disguised as a joke' in her ways but in the last few years she's really ramped up in how she does it. I find myself feeling more and more meh when I've spent time with her, and sometimes spending time with her makes me feel a bit down for a day or two afterwards, I've realised. I spent a few hours with her on Saturday, and got many barbed comments, either disguised as jokes or disguised as a compliment, and, well, its Monday today and I still feel a bit down. I'm normally a pretty confident person but by the end of our time spent together on Saturday I felt really down on myself, which I am then annoyed with myself over!

Examples of comments she has made in the past

On Saturday; 'Have you had your hair done?'. I then replied that yes, I'd had it done on Thursday. She then just looked and said 'I saw Julie earlier in the week, she'd had her hair done too, hers looked really nice'

Also on Saturday, she decided to take a selfie of us both and said 'don't worry, I won't get your saggy tits in the photo' and then laughed.

A few weeks ago, when I'd been on holiday, she asked about where I'd been and where I'd stayed then she said 'Lucy has just been on holiday, they stayed in a really nice hotel though'

More often than not, the comments are about my looks/clothes but occasionally about my house, or other things I've done.

Everything is always said with such a laugh. She clearly thinks she's hilarious. I've noticed she also makes constant gushing comments about others. On Saturday another friend was with us, and she was making loads of compliments about the other friend, and then asking me if I agreed with her, eg 'Oh look at her coat, god it's lovely isn't it, I bet you'd like one like that?' to me.

I know the answer is not to see her, and tbh I do minimise time I spend with her now, but often I see her as part of a group, and obviously I can't make a scene in the group, and I don't want to particularly miss out on seeing other friends because she is there.

Has anyone else dealt with anything similar?

I think you've got three options:

a) see the other friends individually
b) see the other friends in a group without her (i.e. you host things and invite them), but you might have to field questions about why she's not there
c) call her out!

Not a friend

I was thinking the same thing, I think I'll probably go for option A. Sadly I think options B and C would cause drama and I really can't be arsed with drama in my life.

Saggy tits? This woman is not your friend, she’s a miserable woman

She sounds absolutely dreadful! I’m glad you know the answer generally is not to see her, though I get why it’s difficult if your mutual friends are still in thrall to her.

I’ve known a couple of people like that, and I end up feeling embarrassed for them. It shows someone up for being quite desperate and childish.

People like this are total pick-mes, and become fawning arse-lickers in the presence of any man, or women they perceive as being higher up the pecking order.

Pity them. They are so harrowingly insecure it’s impossible to hide ot however they try. They go through life with the psychological equivalent of their skirt tucked into their knickers.

Have you never just told her to knock it off?

I never get this on Mn, which seems to be populated by large numbers of people who spend 20 years hanging around with people they don't like, and who frequently aren't very nice to them, but seem curiously unable to say 'What did you say that for, Angela?' and instead put up with it, seething silently, for years, while continuing to see the person regularly, until they crack and drop out of a friendship group entirely rather than simply tell the person involved to cop themselves on.

I completely get not wanting to invite drama! Something to consider though - option C might open up option B. If you could bring yourself to say something to her, then there's nothing to hide when people ask why she's not there - i.e. you wouldn't be talking about her behind her back or anything, because you'd already said it to her face.

Haha I love that analogy! I agree, she is totally insecure.

From what I've heard from another friend that used to know her years ago, she does this kind of thing regularly with some people, and she is one of those people who has lots of groups of friends and is always so 'busy' but then suddenly one group will be out of her social circle, so I'm guessing she's done that to people in those groups too and they have distanced from her.

Good come backs ive used before are.

" What did you say?"
This gives the person time think again about what they said before repeating it.

"Why are you always so rude to people? "

"Did that make you feel better, putting someone else down?"

" I cant believe you said that out loud"

This all puts them in the spot and hopefully others will turn round to see what they have to say for themselves.

Works a treat.

I have a work group with someone like this. Has gone on for me for 20yrs. I think she only tries it on because I’m pretty unshakeable and don’t rise to it, and I don’t need her emotional support whereas the others enjoy the support she gives them. A foul weather friend is how I label her! All over me like a rash if anything in my life is going wrong 😂

‘Don’t take this the wrong way, but…’ heard it so many times directed at me.

I only tolerate it as I make good money off her. A few in the group know what’s she’s like and spot it but most of them view her as kind and caring.

Went on a few dates with a guy who also did it but I called him out. Is that a dig at me? What do you mean by that - explain? In his case it was a status thing … lol he even got a dig in about my house being too big.

I always think the types giving out the digs are hovering around personality disorders/narcissistic traits.

Well, it's only in the last few years she's ramped it up. She's always been a bit like it for the time I've known her but in a group situation it was easy to ignore until the last few years.

As for saying to knock it off, well it just causes drama doesn't it? Especially when it's a friendship group. I want to see the others, I just don't want her comments really.

With friends like that, who needs enemies. I'd just drop her.
She sounds as if she either doesn't like you or is jealous in some way. No loss to you.

Ditch her. I wouldn't tolerate that for a second.

So you made a choice, that it was better for you to go home after every meeting for several years feeling humiliated, down and with your confidence dented than it was to ask her to stop. You chose your own discomfort over potentially causing the group or this woman discomfort. I mean, that's insane to me, but OK. But now you've realised, not before time, that it's causing a significant lasting blip in your MH after every time you see this women, and that it's no longer something you can put up with. What are you going to do about it? I mean, are you planning to stop seeing an entire friendship group who are presumably important to you rather than say 'What a rude thing to say, Helen'?

How is civilly asking someone to stop 'causing drama', when for years she's been making deliberately insulting remarks to you? Are you saying you genuinely think she's completely unconscious that she's doing it, that you just code as 'safe person to be publicly mean about because she will never object' in her head, rather than that's she's consciously trying to hurt you?

“Did that come out the way you intended it to?!”

“Remember to engage brain before speaking Emily’

“bloody hell you are such a snarky bitch at times”

”fuck off emily you know exactly what you’re doing”

all said with a smirk.

*sorry to Emily’s, it’s just I know a particularly bitchy Emily

Would you be able to say stuff back in a similar manner? Might get her to stop targeting you as much. E.g. for the haircut comment you could say "i'm sure hers is great, maybe you could look into going to the same place?"

Or for the tits comment you could lightheartedly say "don't worry, your saggy face will cover them!" if you are feeling particularly bold.

i'm not great at comebacks but you get the idea!

If she's singling you out, I think I might give a more forceful response, even if it did cause an awkward moment. She needs telling that you're not her personal punching bag and won't take it lying down.

If she does this with everyone, I'd be more likely to just avoid her, grey-rock her, and look for opportunities to see the other friends without her (and with any luck wait her out until the others in the group get tired of her attitude, too).

She does do it to everyone to an extent, I think on Saturday as there were three of us I took the brunt of it. The other friend that was there, in the nicest possible way, hasn't got a lot of good things going on in her life right now for a number of different reasons, so I don't think there is much there for toxic friend to be 'jealous' about right now, she seemed to enjoy really gushing over her and being sympathetic this time.

Just ask her to say that again. Every single time she says something insulting.

"Shut the fuck up, you nasty bitch" should do it

Sympathies OP. I have had similar and in a near identical dynamic, where cutting one off would cut me off from others I DO like.

I am very mild mannered as a rule but I did say ‘nicely’ last spring ‘that was really quite critical, Kate.’ I got so many apologies it almost made me feel bad. She hasn’t done it since. I hate making a scene but it does teach the point where you have to (saggy tits!?) But I also know sometimes the moment just passes!

Yep. Had this with two friends. They just constant made digs and insults which they labelled “jokes”. One was so bad, he was being a dick to me at a wedding of a mutual friend and another one of the guests pulled him up!

The way I dealt with it was retreating from those friendships.

Edit: I see that you are worried about seeing less of the other friends. With both I had raised it before I retreated. With one I simply made plans to see other friends and excluded her.

This.

I do think these types of people are tricky to raise things with. They will very rarely just apologise, and say 'actually you're right, I think I went a bit far'. They will say it was clear it was just a joke, why are you being so sensitive etc. If you say you don't find it funny or they wouldn't find it funny if it were done to them, you'd just get accused of going on about it, creating an argument, 'causing an argument' and ultimately try and turn it round on the OP for picking on them by deliberately taking things the wrong way and falsely accusing them of being mean.

I find chat GPT good for suggestions on what to say to address this mean girl behaviour without it escalating into an argument (I have tested it with my 10 year old, which in itself is depressing that adults are behaving in similar ways)

She is not a friend to you.