To ask for your experiences of being negged by friends and how you dealt with it?

[Neggingisnotnice]

I don't know if 'negging' is the right term but I felt like it best describes what this so called friend of mine keeps doing.

She is a long term friend of about 20 years. Not one of my very close friends but still someone I see and speak to fairly regularly.

She's always been a bit 'makes nasty comments disguised as a joke' in her ways but in the last few years she's really ramped up in how she does it. I find myself feeling more and more meh when I've spent time with her, and sometimes spending time with her makes me feel a bit down for a day or two afterwards, I've realised. I spent a few hours with her on Saturday, and got many barbed comments, either disguised as jokes or disguised as a compliment, and, well, its Monday today and I still feel a bit down. I'm normally a pretty confident person but by the end of our time spent together on Saturday I felt really down on myself, which I am then annoyed with myself over!

Examples of comments she has made in the past

On Saturday; 'Have you had your hair done?'. I then replied that yes, I'd had it done on Thursday. She then just looked and said 'I saw Julie earlier in the week, she'd had her hair done too, hers looked really nice'

Also on Saturday, she decided to take a selfie of us both and said 'don't worry, I won't get your saggy tits in the photo' and then laughed.

A few weeks ago, when I'd been on holiday, she asked about where I'd been and where I'd stayed then she said 'Lucy has just been on holiday, they stayed in a really nice hotel though'

More often than not, the comments are about my looks/clothes but occasionally about my house, or other things I've done.

Everything is always said with such a laugh. She clearly thinks she's hilarious. I've noticed she also makes constant gushing comments about others. On Saturday another friend was with us, and she was making loads of compliments about the other friend, and then asking me if I agreed with her, eg 'Oh look at her coat, god it's lovely isn't it, I bet you'd like one like that?' to me.

I know the answer is not to see her, and tbh I do minimise time I spend with her now, but often I see her as part of a group, and obviously I can't make a scene in the group, and I don't want to particularly miss out on seeing other friends because she is there.

Has anyone else dealt with anything similar?

Yes! This is exactly it! If anyone ever makes any jokes at her expense she really hates it. I've seen someone random do it to her in public once when we were all on a night out and she went on and on and on about it and was mortally offended.

But there's literally nothing you can do about someone else's behaviour or response, only your own.

No, there's absolutely no guarantee the OP will get an apology, in fact it seems highly unlikely, but what she will have done, if she asks this woman to repeat what she said every single time, or says 'Gosh, Mary -- did that come out the way you intended, or did you have a brain fart again?' is that she will be asserting her own boundaries, and making it clear that she is not someone who can be mocked or put down with impunity.

The other woman will almost certainly resent it, but that's not the OP's problem. She needs to look after herself here, and not second-guess what the other woman might do if she suddenly stops meekly accepting these jibes.

Bluntly, that's why it's better not to meekly accept this stuff for several minutes, let alone several years, because in doing so, you have created a longterm expectation of accepting behaviour by swallowing your own humiliation/hurt.

No.
Because that person isn't a friend.
She only gets away with it because you allow it.

I find these people so so tiresome. I have come across them multiple times and now I have the misfortune of working quite closely with one. She is completely insecure and her digs are just embarrassing. She is truly awful.

I get that you want to keep the friendship group, but once in a while when she comes out with something quite obvious. I would say something, like you know, the things you say are quite hurtful, why do you do it? At least make her think about it and then change subject and keep talking to the others. Not enough to create drama but just make her aware that you are aware and it's bloody tiresome

I became aware that a group of my friends were just not that nice. I had some really tough stuff going on and another friend had heard about it from a third party so I realised that they were gossiping about me. It was really sensitive stuff. I also felt that there was a bit of bitchiness going on dressed up as “fun”. I just went cold turkey haven’t seen any of them in 2 years and couldn’t be happier.

Not a friend, just a bitch

If your friend is super sensitive if she has something said to her that she doesn’t like I would really ramp up some digs and remarks towards her. Give her a taste of her own medicine. Then plead innocence or just call out the nasty bitch on her behaviour.

Option D: Ask her why she’s such a cunt?!

'That was a really shitty thing to say and I found it hurtful'

over and over again

She’s nasty, spiteful and no doubt jealous if she’s constantly putting you down and making you and your life the butt of the joke. Bin

If one of her tactics is comparing you unfavourably to another friend, you might consider agreeing so wholeheartedly that it becomes a bit embarrassing? (obviously not if "Lucy" is present - she's done nothing to deserve it!)
"Gosh, yes, Lucy's hair does look absolutely lovely, doesn't it? Perhaps we could ask her the name of her stylist" Hidden message; "Lucy's hairstyle is looking better than mine, but maybe yours could do with an upgrade as well...."
Alternatively, cut contact and clear the headspace.

No one in the group has ever pulled her up on it?

She’s being a bully and getting away with it.

She sounds vile. Definitely distance yourself from her and to be honest I'd also be giving her a taste of her own medicine.

'I saw Julie earlier in the week, she'd had her hair done too, hers looked really nice'
You: "Maybe you should consider doing yours too" - while looking at her hair with pity in your eyes.

'don't worry, I won't get your saggy tits in the photo'
You: But how are you going to keep your sagging face out of it?"

See how she likes that.

Yes in my youth . She saw me as her yard stick and a cut above me . When I bought a house and got married before her the rage from her was off the scale . She admitted to having a life plan for her and one for me . She said she expected to have what I achieved years before me and never ever expected me to own a house . In hindsight I should have never allowed this friendship to develop , my instincts were telling me not to but I didn’t listen to what my gut was telling me . Ditch this woman as she see herself as above you and compared herself with you. She will spoil any thing you have that she doesn’t.

Yes i have come across this before- just see less and less of her until you don't see her at all.
Sometimes they just think they are incredibly funny, but often it is with unpleasant intent.

MN is such an eye-opener sometimes. I cannot understand why a person would associate with someone who says such things, let alone for decades. Where is your self-respect that you’d allow yourself to be spoken to in such a way? Why would you ch pose to listen to this knowing you’ll have a two-day hangover from it? You’d have been better off staying home and having a nap!

Horrible person. Ask her why she does it?

I think you should say - after one of her 'comments', "Julie have you heard of negging? Maybe worth a google". So you're not quite calling her out... but showing you know what she's doing. She won't like that label either

Idk if this is a neg but I’ve had a lot of men tell me I look better without my glasses and I always tell them “you look better when I don’t have them on as well”. My now husband has always liked them and says no one has ever suited glasses as much as me, which I think is really sweet.

"FFS why are you always so spiteful?
I'm fed up with it - you like to dish it our but you certainly can't take it!"

You could always do the thing where you respond however you would if a toddler said it.

"Oops, that sounded like an inside thought!"
"Uh oh, remember, if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all!"
"We don't use mean words, what nice words do you know?"

(Joking, to be clear!)

I think the last time I experienced something like this I was about 14. Why are you still friends?

I think saying what do you mean is non confrontational and puts her in her place. I bet a million to one others feel the same a dont call her out either

total mean girl vibes

Once again, I'm amazed at how many people on Mumsnet don't seem to understand that a 'friend' is supposed be someone you actually like.

What enjoyment do you get from hanging out with someone who is clearly a total cunt and upsets you every time she sees you? How's that a friendship? You do know you have no obligations to this woman, surely?

Oh my god, please please get some therapy. This bitch is NOT a friend. Why have you allowed her to have access to you? Friends are supposed to make us feel good. Why do you think you deserve to be mistreated like this?