To ask for your experiences of being negged by friends and how you dealt with it?

[Neggingisnotnice]

I don't know if 'negging' is the right term but I felt like it best describes what this so called friend of mine keeps doing.

She is a long term friend of about 20 years. Not one of my very close friends but still someone I see and speak to fairly regularly.

She's always been a bit 'makes nasty comments disguised as a joke' in her ways but in the last few years she's really ramped up in how she does it. I find myself feeling more and more meh when I've spent time with her, and sometimes spending time with her makes me feel a bit down for a day or two afterwards, I've realised. I spent a few hours with her on Saturday, and got many barbed comments, either disguised as jokes or disguised as a compliment, and, well, its Monday today and I still feel a bit down. I'm normally a pretty confident person but by the end of our time spent together on Saturday I felt really down on myself, which I am then annoyed with myself over!

Examples of comments she has made in the past

On Saturday; 'Have you had your hair done?'. I then replied that yes, I'd had it done on Thursday. She then just looked and said 'I saw Julie earlier in the week, she'd had her hair done too, hers looked really nice'

Also on Saturday, she decided to take a selfie of us both and said 'don't worry, I won't get your saggy tits in the photo' and then laughed.

A few weeks ago, when I'd been on holiday, she asked about where I'd been and where I'd stayed then she said 'Lucy has just been on holiday, they stayed in a really nice hotel though'

More often than not, the comments are about my looks/clothes but occasionally about my house, or other things I've done.

Everything is always said with such a laugh. She clearly thinks she's hilarious. I've noticed she also makes constant gushing comments about others. On Saturday another friend was with us, and she was making loads of compliments about the other friend, and then asking me if I agreed with her, eg 'Oh look at her coat, god it's lovely isn't it, I bet you'd like one like that?' to me.

I know the answer is not to see her, and tbh I do minimise time I spend with her now, but often I see her as part of a group, and obviously I can't make a scene in the group, and I don't want to particularly miss out on seeing other friends because she is there.

Has anyone else dealt with anything similar?

Your first sentence should be a sticky at the top of about 50% of threads on Mn.

People like this friend actually enjoy knowing that

I'd call her out in a 'jokey' way or snap back in a 'jokey' way:

So with the saggy tits comment I'd have said either:

"Blimey! With friends like you, who needs enemies, right Jane (or whatever the other friend is called)?"

Or

"Best mind you don't get your double chins in as well! (laugh laugh laugh)"

The haircut and the hotel ones are a bit harder because it's difficult to tell if that's on her or you just being sensitive. I'd have just ignored her comment and made a comment about how much you like your hair/enjoyed the holiday e.g.

You: I did have my haircut on Thursday.

Her: Pam had her cut too and hers looked REALLY lovely.

You: Yeah, I'm really pleased with it! Janice is such a great hairdresser. I could give you her number if you want?

If you do decide to confront any of her comments I'd try to hide your hurt feelings and instead make light fun of her for her social ineptitude. With the saggy tips example your reply could be "wow Mary, would you like a chance to say that again in a way that doesn't make you sound like a total bitch?". If she replies in any way that obviously respond to that but if she ignores you then you can reply again "ok, looks like we're going for sweeping in under the rug lol".

So what, though? The OP is only obliged to consult her own feelings here, having spent years deciding they were unimportant.

Lol - these are great

Yes I once experienced similar with a friend. I dont speak to her anymore cos life is too short for shit friends / frenemies

I had one like this and don't think it's a matter of just letting someone be mean. It's more that people can run so hot and cold, pleasant most of the time but then suddenly come out with something really unkind that puts you on the back foot, because it's unexpected. The person I knew used to be lovely but over the years a mean streak crept out and then became increasingly obvious.

The last time I saw him, he was so rude that I realised he was no friend of mine. He kind of did me a favour too - he made me so cross that I rage cleaned the room we'd spent most time in, the kitchen. Once it was sparklingly clean, me and DH thought we may as well redecorate, so we did and painted the ceiling, walls and cupboard doors in fresh new colours, then we put down new lino. I felt better after that and have not seen the false friend again.

I wonder how many others in your group have noticed this and are DESPERATE for someone to say something but who are scared? Does she only pick on you?

I think I’d just say ‘Ouch! That was bitchy. Are you ok?’. Then it calls her out but also makes you look concerned for her rather than creating drama or a row.

Nobody gets to.comment on my saggy tits. Not even my husband of 30 years!
As a pp said, a friend is supposed to be nice to you and someone whose company you enjoy.

What a nasty cunt! Just cut her out of your life but don't talk about her to anyone else, although I expect everyone feels the same as you. If you run into her and she starts, just show her up by saying 'what's wrong in your life that you feel the need to try and make people feel like shit?'. Do it with a tinkly laugh. This person is shit on your shoe. Spend time with real friends x

Agree with others, as much as possible I'd just see the other friends and avoid her, but maybe have a few lines up your sleeve just in case for when you have to meet up in a group. Nothing that involves having to think of the perfect personalised comeback straightaway, but just general like

"In the nicest way possible, X, I wouldn't take your advice about fashion/luxury hotels/haircuts.' If she kicks off and says 'What do you mean by that?' just say 'Well, we don't really have the same taste.' There's literally nothing she can object to about that, you haven't actually insulted her in any way - but both she and you know you mean she has terrible taste.

Or even better, just look up and down at her hair or jacket or whatever when she says this, and just smirk. Will drive her mad but again nothing she can actually put her finger on.

Another option is to just say very sincerely 'Oh, thank you!' Pretend you honestly think she complimented you. e.g. 'her hair looked really nice,' 'Aw, thanks X, that's so nice!' She can hardly come back and say 'I didn't mean your hair!' or 'they stayed in a really nice hotel,' just smile and say 'Yes it was lovely!' Kill her with kindness, it will drive her mad.

Or a very easy one that will work for anything is just something like "that's a weird thing to say," or even just "....okay" and nothing else. No reaction, either negative or positive, so she can't pull the "it's just a joke, you're too sensitive."

Another way I get through socialising with annoying people is to play 'twat bingo' in my head. So whenever she says something rude instead of being upset think 'Yes! got one!' and make a note of it. So essentially you're playing a game and making her the subject of the joke. If you've got a friend who you can complain about her with it's the best, as you can make eye contact at each other and grin, but if not you can come back on here or whatever.

Basically just things that will annoy the fuck out of her because she knows you are mocking her but can't actually pick anything up enough to try and make herself the victim.

She is draining you, just pull away from her because she may move it up a gear and start bullying you for no other reason than she feels she can get away with it.

She is shallow and she may actually be jealous of you, which could be a reason for her dodgy attitude towards you.

Some people are drains and some people are radiators, this one is a parasite.

Were you not tempted to say “I don’t know why you’re so offended Sue, you make those kinds of jokes about me all the time”

If that what she says to your face imagine what she says behind your back!

I have a lovely close friend that has a wonderfully stern glare that she produces when she is unhappy with something. She would look shocked, then just say "That's rude" alongside the dark stare. It would get the message across and alert others that you are not prepared to tolerate being treated that way.

One of my former friends was/is exactly like this. I stopped being friends with her. I'm obviously the bad guy for that and she thinks I need to apologise for not being her friend anymore.

I avoid people like this is possible, but have found it useful in the past when someone has said something rude to simply say, 'Goodness!' and give them a hard stare. If they say, 'What?' in all innocence you can say, 'That was so rude. I was surprised you said it out loud'.

If they claim to have been joking I answer calmly, 'It wasn't funny though' or if they claim 'You're too sensitive' I would say, 'No. You were rude'.

I'd then turn to someone else and change the subject. My attitude is mildly dismissive, if that makes sense. I'm not going to be dragged into drama. Neither am I going to allow someone to be rude to me without pointing it out.

Just ditch the bitch.

She’s not your friend. She is your frenemy. She gets off on baking nasty to you and making you feel shit about yourself. If she was a man you were in a relationship with you’d be in a domestically abusive relationship with a narcissist…..have a think about why you put up with this shit from her and also still carry on allowing her to abuse you further

‘Oh, take a day off Jenny’ delivered in a bored, tired manner.

A teen taught me that one, utterly withering.

Your “friend” isn’t jealous she’s a nasty bully!!! Simple as that!

I couldn’t be bothered with that. I had a friend who did similar, I just cut her off. She was jealous of me and couldn’t contain it. She’s dead to me now 😃