AIBU to say I am not celebrating or hosting Christmas and NY when everyone is back?

[ChristmasGrinchyPants]

My PIL always gave DH and I major grief if we were not available on Christmas Eve, Day and Boxing Day for them (including SIL) to come stay with us for a few days. Then, on NY Eve/ Day they expected us to go to theirs. As a result my own family missed out a bit.

Then their DD got married and they took it in turns with us, which still restricted us a bit as we often liked to go away over Christmas. DH said we shouldn't as Christmas is about family.

I've noticed that over the past few years when it is our turn that PIL have booked holiday away. Now they are telling us they are going away from the 19th, coming back a few days after NY. Apparently we can do Christmas with them before they go, and do NY when they get back.

Whilst I am glad they are not coming, as my Christmas will be more peaceful, I am sad for my DH as I can see that he is hurt. He is very much the scapegoat, DSis the golden child. Also, they won't see DGC for the whole of Christmas and NY.

AIBU to say that Christmas is the 24th, 25th and 26th and NY is the 31st and 1st and I am not hosting or schlepping round outside of this. If you go away for Christmas and NY then you can't expect everyone to double up on celebrations and costs.

YABU you wanted more freedom at Christmas you've got it, but now that's also a problem

YANBU. Your in-laws don’t get to dictate how you spend your time and expect you to tailor your plans to work around them. It’s time to stand up for yourselves!

Just tell them you are busy and make lots of plans…

It sounds like they can’t win - you don’t want to be tied down & now you’re complaining that they’re not around?

You should’ve knocked this on the head years ago. Once you become parents yourselves it really is for you to choose how you spend your Christmas holiday. Why do you let them dictate? Is there a big inheritance at stake?

Seems like you’re determined to be cross with them one way or another.

Historically they have you grief if you didn’t see them so your family ended up missing out? That’s on you, you’re adults who can say no and leave them to their grumping!

Then they started alternating Christmases and that still wasn’t good enough?

This year they are away for the whole period and you’re still grumpy because they want to do something festive with you before and after the events?
I concede that I wouldn’t be doing both but surely it’s fairly normal to have a festive get together with family who you won’t see on the day?

Make your mind up! You moaned about spending Christmas with them and your moaning when you don't...

Say you’d love to see them but are not recreating the holidays. End of. And you can’t have that t both ways - be happy not to have to host them but then feel disappointed for your husband!

You can’t have it both ways. You want the freedom to go away some years and not deal with the faff and so do they. That’s fine. I’d love early Christmas! We are the obligatory hosts in our family because only ones with space and money to do it (and due to tricky family dynamics, the only one who can, MIL’s partner, for example, won’t let her have her family to visit 🙄 he isn’t ever invited to ours btw).

It sucks. I hate it. I had to get cancer to finally get a couple years off and it’s been so peaceful.

Make some lovely plans of your own and do the celebrating before and after with family.

I sort of lost interest when you said you gave in to their ‘major grief’ and your own family missed out. You’re annoyed with them but I think really you’re annoyed with yourself.

which still restricted us a bit as we often liked to go away over Christmas. DH said we shouldn't as Christmas is about family.
This bit doesn't make sense unless you are saying we instead of I.

You should have grown a backbone years ago, with PIL AND your DH. No way would I have stopped seeing my own parents/family over Christmas because of his family. This is all on you I'm afraid.

Time to make new traditions, just for you and DH.

we often liked to go away over Christmas. DH said we shouldn't as Christmas is about family.

Sounds like the issue is your DH, not your PIL if he was stopping you from going away over Christmas on the years that they were with his sister.

Say you can fit in one event, either before or after , not both,
and it can be at theirs.

@ChristmasGrinchyPants you guys should book to go away too. Then just say, ‘there’s no need to arrange additional plans you’ll just catch up with each after the holidays at some point, maybe go out for dinner somewhere’ and leave it there.

I would say they could come over for a meal when they get back but it wouldn't be Christmas or New Year just an ordinary nice family dinner. Presents should be exchanged before they go and opened on the day.

I would happily see them for Christmas visit before they go and New Year when they get back. I would expect my dh to see his family over Christmas.

Them being away simply means if you and dh want to go away another year he shouldnt say you cant due to wider family Christmas. (However if he is the scapegoat and they are unlikely to accommodate him another time then I wouldnt expect dh to enjoy/want to go away so it may not happen).

St Nicholas is on 6th December. It’s a big deal in the Netherlands with sweets left in shoes etc. You could easily turn the nearest weekend into a more relaxed family celebration for seeing his side of the family every year.

You’re being a bit dramatic here.
PILs are going to be away so you will have the Christmas and NY that you want. They’re inviting you to their house before they go away to have an early Christmas Day - no cost or effort needed on your part. They suggested coming to yours when they return to celebrate a late NY. But if they weren’t going away, would you not have done this anyway? All it needs to be is a family meal, a few games and a nice drink or two. I’m pretty certain the kids will enjoy having 2 Christmas days and two NY day celebrations!

This.
Do Christmas at Christmas. You can enjoy seeing them before and after their trip without pretending it's Christmas Day when it's not. You don't need to be grinchy about it. Christmas is a 12 day festival that ends on Epiphany - 12th Night - so you can celebrate 12th night with them with a special Galette des Rois (a delicious marzipan pie traditional for epiphany) without redoing all the faff of the turkey roast that belongs 12 days earlier.

Why have you let them dictate your life for so long? Why hasn’t your husband prioritised you enough to realise that you might want to see your family at Christmas or new year? Genuinely sounds like you don’t have any choice over your own life at all. You might need to think about that.

Ok thanks.

I’m not doing anything after 01 Jan as it’s the new year and I’ll be focusing on getting my act together.

Happy to do something mid Dec, but I’m not hosting.

Honestly, we get so much emotional blackmail about “family”, but only when it suits them!

“Safe travels MIL and FiL! We’d rather just do one combined gathering, perhaps when you return? Let’s do a meal out as we won’t be up to hosting so soon after Christmas and New Years. How about DateX at RestuarantY? Thanks for understanding. It’s such a busy time, I almost understand why you both decide to just escape it all! Talk soon xx”

Stand up for yourself and say you are not celebrating christmas and new year twice. Say you will have a family meal if you want too, be assertive.

YANBU. You're hosting xmas on 25th December. If they're not available then that's that. You don't get to demand another get together because you've chosen to do something else.

I’d just suggest a meal out before they go away, simple as that really. You let them dictate your Christmas plans for many years, that’s on you.