AIBU to say I am not celebrating or hosting Christmas and NY when everyone is back?

[ChristmasGrinchyPants]

My PIL always gave DH and I major grief if we were not available on Christmas Eve, Day and Boxing Day for them (including SIL) to come stay with us for a few days. Then, on NY Eve/ Day they expected us to go to theirs. As a result my own family missed out a bit.

Then their DD got married and they took it in turns with us, which still restricted us a bit as we often liked to go away over Christmas. DH said we shouldn't as Christmas is about family.

I've noticed that over the past few years when it is our turn that PIL have booked holiday away. Now they are telling us they are going away from the 19th, coming back a few days after NY. Apparently we can do Christmas with them before they go, and do NY when they get back.

Whilst I am glad they are not coming, as my Christmas will be more peaceful, I am sad for my DH as I can see that he is hurt. He is very much the scapegoat, DSis the golden child. Also, they won't see DGC for the whole of Christmas and NY.

AIBU to say that Christmas is the 24th, 25th and 26th and NY is the 31st and 1st and I am not hosting or schlepping round outside of this. If you go away for Christmas and NY then you can't expect everyone to double up on celebrations and costs.

Definitely not unreasonable at all. They're suiting themselves, you should do the same.

sounds like your dh is a lot at fault here for not pushing back on pil. He needs to not give into FOG (fear, guilt, obligation) and stop giving into their demands.
You have gone along with it for too long, and barely seen your family over the festive period. Time for a reset

Who made your PIL the boss of Christmas?

They don’t get to dictate that you’re hosting on dates that they dictate.

You are doing your Christmas on Christmas Day. You don’t have to host another just because they demand it.

If you are busy from January 1st then you are busy. You aren’t props in PIL life that can just be put in a cupboard until they are ready to play with you.

Sounds like a plan op

Too right . She’s doing a bah humbug !

I wouldn’t be happy with having to ‘do Christmas’ twice though. I think the problem here is that both OP and her DH haven’t set boundaries with PiL in the past. And by the sounds of it, still haven’t. PiL are doing their own Christmas the way they want to - I don’t think it’s reasonable to expect to have multiple celebrations just because they won’t be present on the day.

Not sure i understand the harsh replies here - you are totally within your rights to say no - i would too. I’d just suggest a Christmas meal out at a pub near them a week before they go away and leave it at that. Your DH may need to consider counselling as there is an unhealthy dynamic here where is has desperately been trying to please his parents, rather than his own immediate family.

Yes, Christmas IS for family - his wife and children being that. And if his parents chose not to centre their wider family by going away, then it speaks volume doesn’t it, about what they consider family.

I’d, personally, start booking to go away and planning the season around what you and your Dc want.

Enjoy your holiday, the next celebration will be Christmas 27!

Go away yourselves next year and when they complain, point out turnabout is fair play- Christmas can't be about family when they fancy it , but not when they don't.

No, OP is complaining that PiL think they get to dictate when xmas and NY should be celebrated, and that they feel OP and family have to have 2 lots of each to accommodate their plans.

But actually you dont @ChristmasGrinchyPants . They are away, they miss out, you are free!

Is this a Christmas/ NY issue?
Or is this a a hurt little boy desperately trying to be good so his parents pick him, terrified if he doesn’t comply they’ll not love him?
If you feel your DH having appropriate boundaries from the start would have meant this issue wouldn’t have developed, then it’s the hurt little boy.

If they want to celebrate Christmas when it's not Christmas then they should make plans to do so themselves. It isn't necessary to recreate the whole Christmas/New Year shebang! Just have a Sunday roast with everyone at a point which suits everyone and be done with with it whether it happens before Christmas or after. It's next to nothing to buy a box of crackers and throw them on the table!!
In future make your plans the way you want them - be it going away or staying home and refuse to be guilt tripped by anyone (DH is included here!)

Nowhere in the OP does it say that they've asked her to host them or even celebrate with them. It seems that her DH feels that they need to celebrate with them ("Christmas is about family"). Now, I can fully understand being hurt if your parents don't care enough to celebrate with you, but that is not the same thing as them expecting you to have two lots of the holidays.

YANBU. They have controlled your DH for years, and now don't even spend Christmas with him. Do what you want, and turn down all requests from them. Certainly don't host them for anything, they can take you out for a pre-Christmas meal if they want to.

They are choosing to do something else so they can't say that they are missing out.

You and your husband need to talk about prioritising your own wishes, independent of what PIL and SIL are doing. You can't change the past, so decide together what the two of you want to do going forward. If you don't want to fall in with all their plans, that's fair enough. However, it does sound like you won't be happy whatever they do, though that may be because they haven't been good parents or PIL and have brought that response on themselves.

YABU. You can get together with your PIL without it being called a Christmas or New Year celebration, even if you exchange gifts. They're away over Christmas and the New Year so would like to see your family before/after those dates. I don’t see any problem with that, as long as you and your DH have a say in the dates.

You don’t really need to say anything. Don’t offer to host and don’t suggest anything. Let them / your DH arrange a meal or a get together if they want, no reason you need to trouble yourself with hosting or arranging.

No... the problem is the in-laws have decided to suit themselves over Xmas and NY... but still expect a Xmas and NY before/after which involes OP schlepping around and /or hosting.
Nope.
I'm with OP here.

Id just hold one family lunch or something all together like a catch up on what you all did. Would that suffice.

This. Just say you don't have the energy/finances/time to do two big Christmas dinners/celebrations but a family lunch is fine.

First comment nails it as usual

You should've stood up to your husband years ago.

"we often liked to go away over Christmas. DH said we shouldn't as Christmas is about family."

It's Christmas for you too. It's not all about his wants and needs.

I would do the early Christmas but all the celebrating needed at NY is a message saying Happy New Year , after NY day the event is over and it’s time to get back to work / school

Sympathies OP. Our in laws go abroad each Christmas to be with the golden child and grandchildren, DH always has to work and only gets Xmas Day off so we can’t go. I’m not hosting another Christmas in early Dec or mid Jan but I’m happy to meet up with them and see them just not me ran ragged hosting at their convenience. Luckily my DH fully agrees and invites them to come over for a takeaway.

OP isn't moaning that they're not around. She's fed up that because they're going to be away for Christmas and NY they're expecting her to 'do' Christmas for them before they go and do NY for them when they get back. They're not suggesting a meal out, or that they host, but that OP completely puts herself out to do what they want.

OP yanbu. If they choose to be away, fine (and better for you). You don't have to dance to their tune though. No extra Christmas and NY.

If I’m reading this correctly, they expect you to do Christmas and new years on their timescale and you host?
Either way it’s ridiculous, even if you don’t host all the running around is a pain. You can say no, you have lots of plans