AIBU to say I am not celebrating or hosting Christmas and NY when everyone is back?

[ChristmasGrinchyPants]

My PIL always gave DH and I major grief if we were not available on Christmas Eve, Day and Boxing Day for them (including SIL) to come stay with us for a few days. Then, on NY Eve/ Day they expected us to go to theirs. As a result my own family missed out a bit.

Then their DD got married and they took it in turns with us, which still restricted us a bit as we often liked to go away over Christmas. DH said we shouldn't as Christmas is about family.

I've noticed that over the past few years when it is our turn that PIL have booked holiday away. Now they are telling us they are going away from the 19th, coming back a few days after NY. Apparently we can do Christmas with them before they go, and do NY when they get back.

Whilst I am glad they are not coming, as my Christmas will be more peaceful, I am sad for my DH as I can see that he is hurt. He is very much the scapegoat, DSis the golden child. Also, they won't see DGC for the whole of Christmas and NY.

AIBU to say that Christmas is the 24th, 25th and 26th and NY is the 31st and 1st and I am not hosting or schlepping round outside of this. If you go away for Christmas and NY then you can't expect everyone to double up on celebrations and costs.

Op to be fair ye all sound quite petty over something that’s meant to be fun!!

We all get stressed about Christmas, why should OP have that stress twice??

I suspect DH is "conditioned" to jump through his parents hoops as it's the only way he feels he gets an ounce of interest (and maybe even sometimes feels loved). It's not about "standing up" to DH but being empathetic to his feelings and helping him to understand that his toxic parents won't change. The fact that they insist on you spending Christmas with them, but only when it suits them is a huge indicator of this.

Catch up with them before they go away so they can give the GC their Christmas presents. Let them host, or go out somewhere or just do something very simple. Don't do another Christmas meal. They sound like the sort of PIL that aren't happy regardless, so let them be unhappy at least effort for you. Don't see them for NY unless you particularly want to.

Defining "Christmas and NY" to defined dates only is just cutting off your nose to spite your face, and making your life more difficult in the future.

We often do a big extended family meet up in early December. Everyone brings a dish and we do secret santa and play games. January is more tricky as by then you are all celebrated out and possibly trying to eat healthily, not drinking etc.

They have got a bloody cheek - expecting you to do Christmas a week early. What are you then supposed to do on the 25th and 26th? Do it all again? Absolutely no way would I be doing this. The expense and hassle, jeez.

He's a grown man and shouldn't be controlling his wife's Christmas because he can't stand up to his own parents.

Marriage is about give and take.

YANBU

They can’t make you do these celebrations twice, that’s not for them to say.

It’s fine if someone wants to do this (as with most things!) but it has to be by choice. I would totally agree with you that it’s a hassle and when NY is over you certainly don’t want to do it again, you want to start the year fresh and get on with things.

What I would do is maybe a meal out before Christmas? That’s a fun thing to do anyway and no one has the bother of hosting. Forgive me if it’s been answered but is there somewhere you can all travel to within a day?

Week before they go do lunch at restaurant and then back to yours to exchange presents. Store bought small buffet tea if necessary ( sandwiches, sausage rolls, mince pies) . Job done. Nothing else. They are not the boss of you. If DH wants anything more he can do it all - arrange cook host serve buy presents wash up

This. Its not all about them. They need more boundaries

Why is OP's job to cook a Christmas meal when it isn't even Christmas?

Lucky person growing up in a healthy non-toxic family.

If DH says not the repercussions (to the whole family including OP) might be worse than just agreeing. You pick your battles. Or go no contact.
OP's obvious compromise here is to meet up before Christmas but not to do a Christmas meal. Likely that would still upset the in-laws but it might be less volatile than refusing altogether.

You have no idea what sort of family I grew up in.

But had it been toxic, that would not give me the right to lay down the law to my DH.

It'd be all the same if the OP was in the same position with her family, he couldn't call the shots then.

But it seems that you are not happy either way, and they’ve probably picked up on that so decided not to spend it with you.
YABU.

I’d say come round for tea and cake and we’ll do gifts - anything else can wait til next year

She's not complaining that they're not around. She is complaining that the want to do Xmas and NY at different times to suit them. Who wants 2 Xmasses and NYs?

This!!

@ChristmasGrinchyPants if they mention it again, say just ‘God no! One Xmas and one NY a year is plenty!’. And leave it there.