AIBU to not forgive my mother?

[LightDuvet]

Mum divorced my father when I was 10, she left the family home, bought a new house, started a new life.

Dad was a cold, uncaring man and ensured he had full custody just to be in control. I didn't see her for 2 years.

With an absent mother and cold father, I started running away, then one day when I was 13 dad dropped me off at my mother's. Never saw him again.

Things were strained with my mum, we have very different personalities and she is incredibly particular about things (suspect autism) she has an awful temper and arguments would escalate into being really heated, horrible - in anger, she'd say I was fat, I was posessed by evil, and I had to wedge myself against my bedroom door to stop her coming in to slap me.

Then aged 14 I was groomed and assulted by a predator. He showed me care, kindness, attention and obviously saw I was vulnerable and could manipulate me.

After the assult, I shrank into myself. I gained weight, and stopped going to school. It was an awful few years.

Fast forward 30 years! I have a wonderful husband, fantastic career, lovely friends and a content life.

Mum desperately wants a close mother-daughter relationship now. She has apologised for the past and realises I needed love and not her anger. She is not maternal, she should have never had kids really.

I want to move past it but I can't forgive her or forget those years of hell, and the scars. I have been seeing a lovely therapist who has helped but this feels so deep.

Has anyone got any advice?

I’m so sorry this happened to you. You do not have to forgive your Mother.

Sorry to hear that your parents failed you. I would cut her out, it's too little too late from her. She is a selfish person who wants you in her life now as she probably has nobody else and she realises she'll die old & lonely. She made her own bed..

If you were to agree to a closer relationship, what would YOU want from it? Do you think your mother can deliver? If s she capable of seeing and meeting your needs?
Are you able to forgive her her neglect/abuse?
In your situation I wouldn’t bother trying to have a loving relationship as I don’t think your mother can be what you want/need. She won’t heal your inner child.
Your mother may be thinking ahead to her possible future care needs, would you be prepared to care for an elderly, likely difficult, person who treated you so badly?
FWIW, I was NC with my abusive mother and it was liberating.

I could’ve written this post (or something very similar) myself. I also had a childhood with a cold and mean mother who seemed to hate me and find me a burden. In retrospect she was depressed and overwhelmed as my dad was alcoholic and absent. When I was 14 she left my sister and I with him to live half way across the country with another man. I’m now 46 and she’s finally recognised and apologised for her behaviour, taken full accountability for it. But the pain and anguish is so present and acute still I can’t seem to move past it. My sister has a close relationship with her although more transactional. She was 5 years younger so I protected her from a lot.

I wish I could move on and have a relationship with my mum but it’s too painful. I haven’t seen her in over a year now

I really get it and I’m sorry you went through that. Keep going to therapy and do what’s right for you. Put yourself first. If that means you’re not ready for a relationship with your mum then that’s what should happen. Don’t put her needs first over your own

Sadly I don't think abuse of children by their parents is ever forgivable.

This is how it feels - perhaps she is lonely/frightened as she's mid 70s now, and although she re-married, she says she's lonely.

She does want to make amends and get apologies seem very genuine, but is there ever any way back when soneone has let you down so badly, when I was a troubled kid, and she was the adult?

I don't think I could get by it.

I'd want to say "too little too late. You deserve to live out your life as I did my childhood and I hope you feel every day as painfully as I did"

I'm so sorry to read this but sounds like despite this you've created a wonderful life for yourself.

I'm so sorry you can identify with so much - that's exactly it, it's so painful. Even with genuine apologies, which do help somewhat, it doesn't actually change what happened.

I know I couldn't ever have treated someone the way she treated me- she isn't someone who I would be friends with, or want to spend time with - yet I feel an immense guilt at keeping her at arm's length knowing she is desperately wanting a closer relationship with me.

I am so on edge around her, even now.

Thank you so much for such kind and supportive replies.

I'm really sorry you experienced such a difficult childhood OP and I'm pleased you have made such a success of your life despite your difficult start.
My experience of trying to cope with the hurt of my childhood and younger life was eventually having CBT in my 30s and exploring my feelings with a very helpful therapist. At the time it really helped me come to terms with my feelings towards my parents. However I'm afraid over the years these feelings re emerged and are still bubbling away in the background. And I will add both my parents were dead by the time I had the therapy - I didn't even go to my father's funeral. I went to my mother's but found it incredibly traumatic and wished I hadn't.

Personally i don't see how you can truly get over how your mother behaved towards you OP.

I think that when something happens to you at that age it is formative - your understanding of the world/how you react to and trust people was shaped by those experiences. Indeed how you react to and trust her was shaped by those experiences. I'm not sure that's something you can just get past with an apology as it is inbuilt into you.

Forgiveness is not the same as a loving relationship. You might at some point find it within you to understand and forgive, but relationships are built up over years of care, attention and love. Expecting 'forgiveness' to lead immediately to a close mother-daughter bond is shots lack of understanding of how relationships work. A friendly relationship where you keep a relatively close eye, check care needs are met etc us probably the best realistic hope for her, and you are not obliged to do even that.

The thing is we're all the product of our upbringing. Some people manage to deal with it better than others. You have had the resilience to carve a much better life for yourself and your family. I wonder about your mother's own upbringing? TBH I also wonder if you would benefit from being able to understand where your mother's inability to parent came from? Of course it's perfectly fine if you don't want to but I'm really thinking of your own peace of mind. We can't change the past but we can acknowledge it change the future.

It’s your decision and quite understandable that you don’t want to forgive her OP. On the other hand, if she was hit by a bus tomorrow, would you feel any remorse for not giving her a chance?

I think if you try to form some sort of closer relationship, it should be because you want it and gain something from it, not because you feel obligated to, or out of guilt. What do you want from your relationship with her? Do you actually want or need a closer relationship with her? Would you be doing it for you?

Even if you wanted to try, building a relationship after that sort of parental failure/abuse is going to take a long time and require a lot of work because rebuilding trust takes time, consistency and a lot more than apologetic words. She needs to show it in actions too.

i have to admit, this all seems quite selfish and about her- she wants a closer relationship because she’s lonely, needs support as she is getting older. That sounds like she wants to rebuild the relationship in part because she’s lonely and needs something from you, not solely because she regrets her past actions (which she may well do). I would be wary, and any rebuilding should be on your terms and at a pace you feel comfortable with. Don’t be pushed by guilt or obligation into something that is not what you want or need, it’s ok to protect yourself and the life you’ve built despite the difficulties you have faced, if that is right for you.

i’m not saying don’t attempt to forgive and rebuild your relationship with your mum, if that is what you want- if it helps you, then do it. Just go in with your eyes wide open.

It’s literally entirely up to you. There’s no right or wrong answer. What do you want to do? My mother knew I was being sexually abused as a child, and did nothing to stop it. I only found out in middle age from a sibling who was abused at the same time by the same man that she knew, because the sibling told her at the time. I’d blamed myself for 40 years for not telling her. I’ve raised it with her twice and she just isn’t able to acknowledge it at all. She stonewalls or makes excuses or lies. It’s completely unforgivable. I still see her, though because that’s what feels best for me. Best wishes. Consult your own preferences, and e gentle with yourself.

And I agree with this. Forgiveness is a different thing from rebuilding a close and loving relationship. You can do the former, without ever wanting or doing the latter.
do what is right for you, taking your mothers wants and needs entirely out of the equation- they are not your responsibility.

Well, I have never been in your situation and am sorry you were. Ignore my post if it suits you.

Perhaps make a list of all the things you think happen in close relationships between mother and daughter. Daily phone calls, weekends visits, regular texts, nice birthday visits, right up to POA, visiting care homes, whatever.

So, make a list and then go through each one and decide how it makes you feel. If you can’t face it, cross it out. If you think “oh, yeah, perhaps” then leave it in. If you look at something and think “not while there is breath in my body will I do that”, recognise that that’s a valid response, too.

If you make some decisions now about what your boundaries are and will be, you may find life easier to live within the boundaries and be firm about what you won’t be capable of doing,

I find it hard to forgive people because once they’ve shown en me what they’re capable of, I can’t ever fully move past it. I can move on and move round it but rarely get to the forgiveness stage. You don’t owe your mum your forgiveness, so I’d try not to expend too much effort trying to. It sounds like you’ve built a better life for yourself despite her, I’d focus on that.

Weird that now she’s older and lonely and may start to need your help that she wants a relationship with you …..

Neither her or your father deserves your forgiveness. She wants a loving mother, daughter relationship now she's elderly and vulnerable and likely hopes youl care for her but didnt want one when you were vulnerable and needed her care. Fuck that shit. I'd have nothing to do with her at all and concentrate on the lovely family you have built.

You deserved so much better when younger, and you deserve more now. If you still feel on edge around her then that's a sign you're best not being around her.

It's not the OP's responsibility to give her a chance, nor would there be anything to feel remorse about.

I think it’s too late and I also think she probably hasn’t changed inside but sees herself getting older and more vulnerable. I have two very close friends who had similar, mothers who didn’t support their daughters when young, showed no interest in their grandchildren or sharing family events until they got old and vulnerable then were suddenly the most interested parent ever making huge efforts to have a great relationship despite showing zero interest for decades before. Terribly sad.

My mum was always putting our alcoholic step-dad first who was very abusive to us. We lived in terror and she didn't care about that only him. She split with him when my sister and I left home very young. I was always desperate for a relationship with her particularly when my DC were born. She was in dire straights financially so I helped her out a lot and she apologised for how she'd been & I accepted her apologies BUT she hadn't changed. She started to be really resentful of my marriage and my relationship with my tiny DC. She cut me off in the end because I called her out on it.I was devastated for a long time. I haven't seen her in nearly 20 years and doubt I will again. I firmly believe that my marriage and my relationship with my DC is far better for her not being in my life, she would've tried to ruin it all for me, I'm sure of that.

Think about what you want, don't expect her to be different. Acknowledging you've done something and apologising is only half of it, you need to be different-Can she be-does she even know how?

I didn’t say it was, I was thinking of the OP’s future peace of mind.

I think it is possible to put the past to sleep, but that does not mean forgiving in the sense of continuing the relationship or changing it to be what she wants

There are people in my past that I now understand why they behaved so badly towards me- but Im not going to forgive them or continue a relationship with them.