AIBU to not forgive my mother?

[LightDuvet]

Mum divorced my father when I was 10, she left the family home, bought a new house, started a new life.

Dad was a cold, uncaring man and ensured he had full custody just to be in control. I didn't see her for 2 years.

With an absent mother and cold father, I started running away, then one day when I was 13 dad dropped me off at my mother's. Never saw him again.

Things were strained with my mum, we have very different personalities and she is incredibly particular about things (suspect autism) she has an awful temper and arguments would escalate into being really heated, horrible - in anger, she'd say I was fat, I was posessed by evil, and I had to wedge myself against my bedroom door to stop her coming in to slap me.

Then aged 14 I was groomed and assulted by a predator. He showed me care, kindness, attention and obviously saw I was vulnerable and could manipulate me.

After the assult, I shrank into myself. I gained weight, and stopped going to school. It was an awful few years.

Fast forward 30 years! I have a wonderful husband, fantastic career, lovely friends and a content life.

Mum desperately wants a close mother-daughter relationship now. She has apologised for the past and realises I needed love and not her anger. She is not maternal, she should have never had kids really.

I want to move past it but I can't forgive her or forget those years of hell, and the scars. I have been seeing a lovely therapist who has helped but this feels so deep.

Has anyone got any advice?

I think you should put yourself first and do whatever you find most healing. That might be forgiving her, keeping her at arms length, trying to understand her or going non-contact altogether.

I've continued NC with my dad and very, very LC with my mum. In essence I've forgiven but won't forget. They want a relationship now because it's easier now and benefits them more as they age.
They have already shown us how they behave when effort may be required of them for little perceived benefit (like being kind to their child ).

I won't let people who have shown me time and time again that they are toxic anywhere near my family and life.

You get to decide what kind of relationship you want to have with your mother, if any. It is also possible to have a relationship with someone while not forgiving their behaviour in the past. You can say “I would like to move forward into a new relationship with you, however I am not able to forgive what happened in the past.” She would need to accept that and focus on showing, through her behaviour, that she is not the same person. Over time it may be possible to build enough positive experiences with her that the past doesn’t constantly overshadow your time with her. But that is up to her and you have no obligation to offer her that opportunity.