My DSs, 16 and 18, have become massively preoccupied with what they see as the rise of female dominance in society and the decline of men.
They spend quite a lot of time online and seem to have developed a whole worldview around it. They regularly discuss how feminism has gone too far, how men are now treated as second class citizens and how boys are growing up in a society where they are constantly told that something is wrong with them simply because they’re male.
Some of their arguments are things I’ve heard before. They point out that women are encouraged to be independent and ambitious, while traditional masculinity is often portrayed as toxic. They say girls are encouraged to have high standards in relationships, while boys are criticised for having preferences of their own. They think men are increasingly expected to pay for dates, initiate relationships, earn good money and be emotionally available, while women are allowed to opt out of traditional expectations without being judged in the same way.
They say that men are increasingly objectified in films, adverts, and social media, often reduced to muscular bodies, height, jawlines and sexual attractiveness and that women openly discuss male celebrities’ bodies without criticism. They argue that if an advert shows an attractive, muscular man with his shirt off, it’s seen as harmless or empowering for women. But if a man comments on an attractive woman’s body, the conversation can quickly become about misogyny and objectification.
They think that universities and are mostly female and that they don’t like men and the future has no place for them and that women will eventually oppress men.
I’ve tried to explain that women gaining opportunities doesn’t automatically mean men are losing theirs, and that feminism isn’t supposed to mean women dominating men. I’ve also said that some of the things they complain about are real double standards, but that this doesn’t prove women as a group are responsible or that men are being systematically replaced but they say I’m looking at it through a female perspective and that I don’t understand what boys are growing up with now.
But I’m increasingly concerned that they’ve stopped seeing these as individual issues and started interpreting almost everything through a lens of men versus women. I’m worried that this is affecting how they view girls, relationships and women generally as they get older. I’ve noticed this in daily life such as one of them complaining that some girls in his friendship group are dominating the boys instead of putting it simply down to individual personality traits.
Another example is when my nephew, 12, lost his football match against the girls team a month ago, DS (16), tried to encourage him it was because the adults were cheering on the girls and it distracted the boys. Luckily DN didn’t think so and told him it was not the case. DS also tried to encourage DN to be more assertive but again luckily DN thought it was weird. I’m so glad this mentality has not rubbed off on him as I spoke to him about it after and he said he finds it really weird that his cousins are so obsessed with gender wars and he likes girls gaining more opportunities.
I’m very worried about this obsession that they have with being replaced by women and they don’t seem to be able to view anything with any nuance. I’ve tried to talk to them but I don’t know what more I can personally do? I was thinking of getting them to spend more time with DN to hear a healthier boys’ perspective but I don’t think they will hear it, and my ex husband probably won’t talk about topics like this. I’m stumped but it needs nipping in the bud.