To consider deferring my child

[lotsofenergy]

Older DC (currently in Y1) attends a small village school. Typically around ten students per year group. Older DC’s year is a bit bigger than most with sixteen students.

My younger child is due to start next September and I have dithered about deferring her. I am sure she’ll be ready in many ways but what’s making me hesitate a bit is that it’s a sibling heavy year with nine of them coming up.

All of them apart from mine are born early in the academic year, between September and December. That means there’s an age gap of eight months between her and the next youngest!

I won’t make a final decision until I know everything - I know some children could be starting who don’t have siblings but I am a bit concerned about this.

AIBU to consider deferring?

Remember that although it seems a big age gap now, when they are turning 4 and she is only 3, it will seem a lot smaller later on - even the difference between 5 and 4 is much less. If she seems generally ready, I don't think it's enough reason to defer.

Talk to the school. They presumably have mixed year-group classes, so they're used to coping with an age-spread. I've heard of reception teachers sorting their register by age, so that they are conscious of which children are a bit younger and may not be quite as ready as others.

Suppose there are one or two others who are young in the year. If you defer your daughter, they might be even more outnumbered. And maybe the following year's intake will be mostly summer birthdays, in which case there will be an age-gap the other way.

Thanks @lanthanum , I’m inclined to agree with you. I’m just conscious how much younger she is - I know on these threads it’s always made out the only options are September or August but normally there’s a complete spread! In her case there isn’t though.

I am sure she’ll be fine. She’s also got a little friend at preschool with an October birthday so although there’s only a few weeks between them they are different school years which is a shame. I’m over thinking, I know!

YABU! You have no idea who else might apply to the school and when their dc were born. If she is not very young in her academic year, would the LA even allow it?

We have a July born son, so he was almost 11 months younger than the oldest in his class. He had no additional needs so there was no reason to defer him, despite him being one of the very youngest.

He finished school with 12 A⭐️ at GCSE and 4 A⭐️ at A level.

Being a lot older than those in the deferred class could bring its own issues as they get older with sports, and other age related activities.

I usually vote against deferring as im of the opinion someone has to be the youngest but if your child is August born and thr next oldest really is December then I probably would look at deferring

Mine are both summer born, with my eldest you wouldnt know, particularly academically, she one of the brightest in her year. For my youngest, the next youngest girl is January born and the later ones are all boys and I can definitely see a difference socially

It would be a little strange to defer a child who is ready and expecting to go to school, presumably already knowing some of these very same siblings for the simple reason you know some of her peers will be older.

In such a small class she will be offered extra help if she needs it but it's important to remember even at this young age older doesn't mean more academically able.

My DD was an August prem baby, so as young as they get.
At pre-school, she was best friends with an August-born boy - they were slower to start on making friends, so I think they gravitated towards each other when they did. The other children she played with were in the year below.
Once in school, both of them made new friends, all autumn birthdays.

I would make the decision based on her readiness not the age of the other children.

I have worked with children born 31st August who picked up things quicker than the children born in September! It’s such an individual thing.

No, I wouldn’t. The only person I know who did it had a July-born child with cerebral palsy, meaning they were very behind in lots of ways.

My friend was born on 31 August in the evening. A few hours later and she would have been in the year below.
She thrived at school, was Head Girl and is now a senior nurse.

A girl in my DS class deferred. She was born in early August. Unfortunately for her the class is heavily weighted towards summer birthdays meaning she’s around a year older than nearly half the class. She turned 6 while about 8 of them were still 4.

She stands out like a sore thumb and absolutely looks out of place both physically and from a developmental point of view. She has struggled to make friends as so many of her classmates are a lot younger and they don’t relate to each other as well as the ones who are of a similar age do.

Of course that will lessen over time however her parents openly admit they made a big mistake deferring her.

My son is an end of August birthday. Hes just gone into year 1 but was top sets in phonics and maths through reception and is again this year after a number of assessments. Hes in a class of 30 but ive noticed the majority of the birthdays seem to fall in the first half of the year (pre Jan). I can mostly tell the difference between him and older children socially rather than academically, such as interests and how they play alongside rather than together. That being said his close friend in school had his birthday in the first week of September so I dont think it hinders his relationships that much. We started him the Sept after he turned 5 and did think as he wouldnt be compulsory for school age in reception at all we could use it as a transition year if we needed to, and work up to 5 days over the first few months if full time wasnt working. We never.needed to do that. He loves school and is doing well. I do think every child is different, so just sharing my experience as another mum who considered delaying. Good luck whatever you decide

I dont know, my youngest is deferred. It hasnt made as much difference as i thought it might.
Basically my CSA one got on really well ar nursery and until y4 or so but has since had a lot of social issues. I think girl friendsips are complex.

Tbh i think such a small school is an issue either way as many kids wont find someone they like out of 10!

Depends on the school but i woukd think with such small classes they may be much more able to push the eldest kids so they are exceeding so a gap may start.
However primary there is a lot of dead time between y3 and y6 where they can all read and then its how much practice they get at home.

My eldest summer born had pretty good sats - exceeding in all. But secondary is very hard socially and now doing gcse at only 14, will have to do work experience at 14

I’m in Ireland and the prevailing attitude here is the older the better starting school for social and educational reasons. In my area children would be 5 or turning 5 very shortly when starting although parents can choose between 4 and 6.

I have an 18 year old who will be 19 in May and leave school in June which would horrify people in England probably. But I was shocked that my Belfast based nephew had compulsory school starting the September after they turned 4 (June born). He was so young.

Maturity stands to them at every school stage in my opinion.

It is a different culture in the Uk but I would question why you think of it as defering / implying you are holding the child back instead of choosing the appropriate time for them to start. Any good preschool or early years setting can differentiate with age appropriate activities and that year will fly by.

The other thing I find strange from Mumsnet is just how competitive the later school years are in the UK with gcse results / predicted grades impacting university offers but this hasn’t filtered down to considering being older in the year group as a big advantage. The prevailing reply to school starting is to say of course they are ready at 4.

Seafront16 thats ridiculous re being able to tell physically as an aug kid would be at most 30 days older. I challenge anyone to line kids up in a yeargroup accurately by size alone..
Yes on average older will be taller. But 1 month kids grown 6cm a year so the kid is 0.5cm taller than sept born kids.
My eldest kids yeargeoup there were some really tall kids one was taller than kids many years ahead. (They ended up 6ft as a girl) however in reception they were actually the youngest in the school.
Deferred kids mainly are 12months taller than they would have been and more able than they were.

Thanks all. I probably am overthinking it. It’s true I don’t know how many others will join the school but it probably won’t be many, and of course there’s no guarantee when their birthdays will be! I’m just a bit struck by the fact she’s the only 2023 baby so far.

She is August born albeit beginning of August. I’m sure she’ll be absolutely fine, I just want to give her every advantage and I’m worried about her seeming very babyish compared to her friends!

I know July and August borns aren’t at an automatic disadvantage (DH was an August born boy and was very clever and did well at work) but eight months is a lot at this age.

I can see how if the same happened in reverse and the class was heavily weighted towards spring and summer babies you might stand out. DD has the opposite ‘problem’ in the current cohort. Two of her friends in the year below hers (so 2028 entry) are September / October birthdays though and she’s quite petite anyway.

There’s a child in my DS’s class who is just really tall, a full head above the rest. He doesn’t look ridiculous, he just looks like a tall kid!

The girl in question is over a year older than many in her class and at least 9 months older than virtually all of them. The point is that she ended up deferring into a class where the majority are much younger. There is only 1 child with a birthday between September and the end of the year. My DS is March born and is the 4th oldest in a class of 25.

I appreciate the class is far from typical but that is one of the risks you take.

Physically she towers above all the others and very much does look out of place. When you see them line up in year groups it is very noticeable.

The problem is there’s no way parents can know in advance whether they are deferring I to a class like this. I feel sorry for the child.

I agree that no one should defer for no good reason, and a lot of those who do will likely regret it. But there is absolutely no way you can tell age if the children by their physical appearance. In DDs class the 3 tallest, who are at least 3/4 head height taller than the 4th tallest are the 3 youngest in the year. They do look out of place, but certainly not in the way you are suggesting. They have a mixed class and DD is in with children the year below. The oldest in that year is only 3 weeks younger than DD and is the smallest of the year. My DD who is the tallest of the year is also the most academic and flew through her Y2 exams. Those with the lowest scores included a number of the oldest children.
Op, don't delay without good reason.

It is basically a choice between being one of the youngest and one of the oldest. I don’t see any advantage of being the youngest in the class and plenty of advantages of being the oldest. If there was a strict cut off date there will be a year between oldest and youngest. If it is flexible, it the range will be 13-15 months. Not a huge difference as far as influencing friendships. Would you not prefer your child to be the oldest instead of the youngest?

@Focalpoint its the fact she’s so much the youngest that I’m hesitant about!

@lotsofenergywhat are you worried about in giving her the extra year? If you have a preschool place for her then surely it is only upside for her and you if you wait? There are struggles with the formality of school , reading, spellings etc that will be so much easier and less stressful for her to cope with if she’s a year older. So what if she’s the oldest by a few weeks?

Also think of all the other things she’ll be doing as she gets older - first overnight trip away, first teenage party, pressure to drink, gcse pressure, a level pressure, going away to university. All these things are easier for her to cope with at the older end of the peer group.

We deferred my mid-August daughter. Nursery thought she was ready and she probably was academically but she's very shy (but can be very ballsy when comfortable).
Having an extra year at nursery has been great for her confidence. We were told they catch up by year 4 but we thought all those years until year 4, being behind her peers would be very impactful on her self esteem.
She's just started reception and it's been a really easy transition.
We're in a very big school though so different scenario.

@Focalpoint my main worry is that she may be resentful or annoyed with me that she isn’t in her ‘correct’ year for whatever reason. I do kind of think both extremes can be a bit difficult for children. I’m September and was very ready for school by the time I went! In many ways the mid point of the year is optimal: brother is December and works well as he’s one of the older ones but not so much so he’s near a cut off.

I don’t even necessarily think she’s not ready, it’s more the dynamics of that particular class I’m a bit worried about. The children are lovely but nine months is a lot at this age.

@lotsofenergyshe’ll make friends with
the kids in her class and that will be the correct year for her because she’s with her friends. Plus from a kids point of view it’s a big flex to be the first one turning 6/7/8 or whatever.