To consider deferring my child

[lotsofenergy]

Older DC (currently in Y1) attends a small village school. Typically around ten students per year group. Older DC’s year is a bit bigger than most with sixteen students.

My younger child is due to start next September and I have dithered about deferring her. I am sure she’ll be ready in many ways but what’s making me hesitate a bit is that it’s a sibling heavy year with nine of them coming up.

All of them apart from mine are born early in the academic year, between September and December. That means there’s an age gap of eight months between her and the next youngest!

I won’t make a final decision until I know everything - I know some children could be starting who don’t have siblings but I am a bit concerned about this.

AIBU to consider deferring?

My August born second child started reception this year at a tiny village school. By all means defer if you think your child isn't ready but I wouldn't let the ages of the other children affect your decision, she's either ready or she isn't.

We have a similar situation in that both my kids year groups are heavily skewed towards September - November and they are both summer born. It's noticeable in reception, but after that it honestly isn't at all. DS is doing great at school and I'm glad we started him with his own year group. I did discuss it with the school and they were open to him just doing mornings because all the phonics etc is done in the first half of the day, so he could have either gone into preschool or come home for the afternoons but neither has been necessary.

@pbdr can you explain how ‘social issues such as dating and social media are pushed a year further down the line’ by deferring kids in school? They are the age they are, no matter if they start school a year later.

I don't think you need to if she seems otherwise ready. Mine are at a similar sized school, my youngest was the oldest in his year by several months (September born), but as it turns out his two best mates are a July baby 11 months younger than him, and an August baby from the year below so nearly 2 years younger. Kids don't develop emotionally or socially at equal rates.

Well, what I mean is, you’re making the individual decision for your child to be in the year with older kids or the year with younger kids. Kids grow up with their class/peer group, and by deferring you are choosing for your child do grow up with a younger peer group, who will likely reach these social issues a year later than the kids in the year above.

Obviously if every single child was deferred then it would make no difference as everything would just shift down a year group.

If you have some time to think about it, then perhaps wait a while and see how you feel by the deadline.

But, in your situation, I think I'd be very tempted to defer her.

My DD is an August baby, and when she started reception 15 years ago there wasn't the option to defer. If there was, I'd have taken it.

She wasn't a particularly young child, but had just turned 4 when she started school. Friendships weren't particularly an issue - her best friend was nearly a year older than her - but academically there was a big divide. It was very clear that the 'top table' was made up of all September/October/November children. It was almost a self fulfilling situation, as they did better, they were given more challenging work and the gap became wider.

This does eventually narrow, and my DD went on to do very well, including attending a super selective grammar school, and is now at uni after a gap year. But it was definitely a disadvantage being that much younger than some others in her school year, and statistics show that this disadvantage remains through their whole school lives.

It's the same for sports - younger children are obviously on average smaller, less strong than their older counterparts, and are therefore at a disadvantage on the sports field. This can affect confidence/interest in sport that can last a life time.

Socially, particularly in sixth form, her age became a factor. As she was the last in her year to become 18, she was left out of many social occasions. Her closest friends made sure to arrange some social events that she could attend, but there were many trips to the pub/clubs that she just couldn't go on.

@pbdr I can see that if they don’t do other clubs outside of school that might be the case. If they’re involved in activities such as rugby, scouting, etc they would be still be mixing with kids of their own age so exposed to age appropriate content.

I honestly don't get why parents in England are so against deferring in Scotland it's about 50% deferral for Jan/Feb (equivalent of July/August English birthdays).

Nobody makes a fuss about it it's seen as parents choice and they have extended it so its end of August to February have the choice.

Both of my children have been deferred (Jan/Feb birthdays). It absolutely is the right thing for them. DS1 is thriving and enjoys school. He would have coped but that's the point coping rather then enjoying.

I would also say deferral is about looking at the entire school time including socialising. 9 months can make a big difference on ability to cope with exams for instance.

There are some good Facebook groups on info for deferral.
There are also quite a few research studies.

If wanting to stick to MN go over to Scotsnet and do a search you will get a very different perspective!

I've seen with my own DC the advantages of being the oldest in the class and the disadvantages of being one of the youngest. If I had my time again I'd wait a year.

Lots of advantages to deferring and no disadvantages. Can't see why you'd deliberately make your child's schooling more difficult for them even if they'd 'cope' when you could make it so much easier and more successful.

Well, most kids that do clubs outside school will be exposed to a range of ages of kids, but most kids spend most of their time with classmates.
What I mean is, for example, locally it seems to be typical for people to start giving their kids their kids smartphones in P7 (the last year of primary school), and that results in peer pressure that causes kids to all start begging their parents for smart phones as they think everyone else in the class has one. Deferring means that peer pressure starts when your kid is a year older.
I think overall there is a lot of pressure on kids to grow up very quickly. I see how early girls start wearing makeup and clothes that emphasise their figure, how young kids start vaping and drinking alcohol. I think if they are growing up with a slightly younger rather than slightly older cohort, this peer pressure comes when they are slightly older, and perhaps more equipped to handle it.
You mention kids being exposed to “age appropriate content”, but I am concerned that children are frequently exposed to content that is inappropriately adult for their age, to their detriment. An extra year of childhood before they need to deal with all of this stuff seems like a positive to me.

I'd definitely think about it long term rather than just thinking about reception. There is a deferred child in one of my DCs years and the whole class is skewed young so she is much older than the majority of the children and very noticably so, she's a very tall child. Speaking to her mum she seems to be struggling socially in the class and is very easily upset by the silliness of the other children which I do wonder if it's because she's older and passed that phase.

Definitely not unreasonable to consider it. It sounds like the school already has some children starting at compulsory school age so presumably they are open to it, which is good. Are you a member of the FB group 'Flexible School Admissions for Summerborns (England)'? If not, I would recommend joining. (Sorry of someone had already mentioned this).

I can't comment on the issue with the small cohort, and I disagree that there are no disadvantages to delaying her start, but definitely worth writing a list of pros and cons (including things like childcare/finances, how you think she'd respond to being the oldest/youngest in the year, what you know about local secondary schools and how easy it is likely to be to remain in her adopted cohort* etc).

*Legally it it's the school's choice but they have to act in the best interests of the child. I believe that no child had ever been forced to skip a year, but some schools can be a pain about it. If you join the FB group above they'll have more info on this

I considered deferral for my v late August child (was simple even then in our council area). Language wise they were very ready, emotionally not so much. I didn't defer but when it came to secondary and GCSE years I wished I had. They missed out on a whole year of growing and learning in nursery, had friends throughout but not the easy sociability that they had at 16 in sixth form. They struggled with work experience places as most said age 15. Most of all the maturity to manage their own time and revision came late. So I do regret it, but recognise that there are a while bunch of challenges that happen no matter the age, so no guarantee that they would have had a smoother ride if deferred.

This simply isn’t true. The advantages are only in primary, the disadvantages in secondary. Disadvantages:

1. Competitive sport not in your adopted year
2. you’ve used up your ‘spare’ year should you have illness/other reason you need to repeat year 11 or 13
3. possibility of a very pissed off child who hates school having to do an ‘extra’ year for a year they can’t remember
4. they might not get GCSEs as they are legally allowed to leave school before sitting them

Thanks all (and thank you @Longtimelurker1980 for the very complimentary post; I do try although some days the TV is on more than I’d like!)

For secondary she’ll almost certainly be doing private which does mean financially I’d be paying for longer but also would have two children to fork out for over a shorter period. There are two school years between my children but closer to three years actual gap. I hadn’t really given much thought to deferring her but have to admit just noticed she seemed a lot happier with the children born September and November 23 last week rather than the autumn / winter 22 children.

But it is probably best to keep her in the ‘right’ year overall. Hopefully there will be a range of ages when they do eventually start!

1- most competitive sports are based on birth date, the school year they're in is irrelevant
2 - you can still complete qualifications at a college.
3 - why would a child have to do an extra year?
4 - no child can be forced to sit GCSEs, on what planet would a child determined not to take their exams choose to do them just because they legally have to attend school for the rest of the month?