To consider deferring my child

[lotsofenergy]

Older DC (currently in Y1) attends a small village school. Typically around ten students per year group. Older DC’s year is a bit bigger than most with sixteen students.

My younger child is due to start next September and I have dithered about deferring her. I am sure she’ll be ready in many ways but what’s making me hesitate a bit is that it’s a sibling heavy year with nine of them coming up.

All of them apart from mine are born early in the academic year, between September and December. That means there’s an age gap of eight months between her and the next youngest!

I won’t make a final decision until I know everything - I know some children could be starting who don’t have siblings but I am a bit concerned about this.

AIBU to consider deferring?

You need to think about her whole educational life not just the first couple of years, after that age differences become less and less noticeable. What if you move house? What if the school closes and all the DC have to go to a bigger school? What about when she goes to secondary?
My April born DDs best friend since nursery is Autumn born so there’s 6.5 months age gap.

@user293948849167 theres a lot of ifs there.

There are no plans to move house but if this had to happen (and she couldn’t continue in current school) then she’d just continue in year 4 or whatever?

The school won’t close, it’s on an upward trajectory (hence her brothers year is literally twice the size of the current Year 4.)

What about secondary … what about it?

My main worry is her feeling either very young or very old. Both are problematic. I’m inclined to keep her in the ‘correct’ year but it’s one of those where hindsight is wonderful. I’d be a lot more relaxed if the other children were a mix of ages but the fact they are all so much older is a worry.

In her class there will be

one August 22 baby (deferred entry)
two September
two Octobers
two Novembers
one December

then DD in August!

old fashioned advice here: why don’t you write a list of the advantages and disadvantages of being (1) the oldest and (2) the youngest and then decide.

It comes with a lot more advantages to deferring her (even to things like I wouldn’t have two children in university at the same time!) but I just stress about making the wrong decision for her. It seems a bit extreme given she isn’t ’behind.’ I’m inclined to see how things are come May / June time.

I'd make a list, ideally with friends and family who know you both well. Thing slike how it will impact on work are actually very relevant, if you're a stay at home mum fine, but otherwise will it be more difficult for the family to manage etc.
Every child, and family, is different, so it is not unreasonable to discuss this at all, as I can say as a random stranger, but get input and ideas from everyone who can helps

Also consider sports. I appreciate it’s a long way off however if she reaches representative level in most sports she will be banned from competing with her year group and will be forced to compete with the year above as that is her “true” year group.

This can be pretty demoralising for many as they can no longer play at any meaningful level with their friends and often struggle to compete with the children from the year above as they haven’t been exposed to that level of competition or benefitted from as much coaching so tend to get overlooked.

I know from experience that athletics, hockey, rugby and cricket definitely enforce this for safety reasons. There maybe others.

My youngest DD is end of August, turned 4 just 6 days before she started school this year. I was a little worried about it, in the first month she kept coming home with sweets because someone had a birthday, felt like there were loads of kids turning 5... her teacher called me this week and said how well she is doing with phonics, blending already and settling in well, made me feel relieved. Its obviously still early days, but i feel confident she will be ok, i was also an August born and didn't feel like it impacted me.⁷

My grandchildren fall into both camps. One is an August birthday so is the youngest by 5 months, one is September so is the oldest by 4 months. Both have done fine and have managed very well.

I think people are slightly missing the point here. I’m not asking if August borns can do well or if September born children always have the edge: that patently isn’t the case. It’s this particular situation that has arisen where my child is at least eight months younger than the next youngest child in the class.

Is it likely that the reception intake will only be a class of 9 though? You only know the siblings but there will surely be other kids applying that are closer in age to your DD.

I don’t think you should hold her back if she is ready to start school. If she wasn’t ready I would understand your concerns more but it feels like you are basing your worries on a hypothetical situation

that assumes every other kid is born on 1st September so it is you who is being ridiculous. Of course there will be a spread throughout the year, so the poster is perfectly correct that the child could be 6 when others 4.

except you don’t know that because you don’t know the ages of any of the new starters.

my dds are nearly finishing school now and in each of their years there are 2 or 3 children who are repeating year 11,12 or 13. So about 5%. Illness, school refusal etc but if any of those children had deferred, they wouldn’t be allowed to repeat as they would have already ‘used up’ the only spare year available- as you can’t be in a school as a pupil if you’re 19. For me, this is more important than being a bit younger when you’re 5.

I deferred my late August child. But she was incontinent still at just 4 (undiagnosed allergy) and slept three hours at lunchtime (and then 13 at night). She wasn’t ready. She is now a very normal teen in every way but deferral allowed her to thrive when she started school.

you make the decision based on the child, not the cohort.

Which is true, but given the size of the school it isn’t likely to be many - and they could be September too!

I won’t be making any final decisions yet but it is a small concern, I have to admit.

@Longtimelurker1980 I don’t think I agree with that. I would absolutely avoid some cohorts if it’s likely to cause social difficulties or problems for whatever reason. I think most of us would if we’re honest.

My worry is her being in a class with children significantly older than her could easily affect her confidence and her enjoyment of school. I can imagine reception being smooth enough as it’s still EYFS. We’ll have to see! But it she a clear cut ‘August born; should I defer?’ It’s slightly more complex than that.

It’s so true that it’s very child specific. My daughter has 2 late August friends a whole year younger than her. They are tall and sassy and bright and they are all completely on a level. But my daughter at a whole year older fits in. She was always very ‘young’ and I guess the inability to send an incontinent child to school made the decision but I do see your point that for others it may not be right in the long run.

I teach. Some of my higher attaining 6 year olds are summer babies. Some of my most needy are autumn born. It’s very child specific.

If she is school ready, and the class doesn’t ’fit’ then you need a different school.

I do not see any great divide in friendship groups in my class based on age. Younger with older is very common.

as I said it’s very child specific. If your child is ready then deferral cannot be in her best interests, and that is the test.

That isn’t quite what I mean @Longtimelurker1980 . If she is a year younger than most of them (which she is) and appears babyish or young then she will stand out in a way she wouldn’t if there were a group of them with varying ages.

At the moment out of four girls with older siblings in the school she definitely has more in common with the just turned three year old than the two already four year olds. We were on a day out yesterday and it was noticeable the two four year olds played together while the two three year olds also did. It made me wonder if she’d be happier in the year below hence the thread … but of course what is right when they are three isn’t always when they are thirteen!

Dead time between yr3 and yr6 - please explain how you think this is true?

My DC went to a tiny village school. Intake for DS1 year was five, DS2's year was 10.
It was also mixed year groups.

Regardless of age there's always a mix of development and abilities and the teacher is obviously able to differentiate. Socially age is more of a factor but ime girls are often much more socially developed than boys at 3/4. DS1 was reading and doing numbers before he started school but even though he was January born was immature. I seriously considered holding him back a year but he was raring to go academically so he started at 4¾.
The benefit of a small village school is they don't disappear in a sea of 30 children, it's a family atmosphere.

I’m sorry I’m reading this thread backwards! Op I think what your child has is a parent with a very keen eye and that is a huge advantage. You can still continue friendships outside school with ‘younger’ kids and you can keep an eye on academics and I am
sure you will be the parent who ensures they read and bake and do all the enriching stuff that actually helps them to succeed academically.

but - and I am self critiquing here too - you are obviously a committed parent and a deep thinker and sometimes that can create an overthinking trend. Be careful not to overthink and assume an issue where there is none. The number of parents who think their child is anxious/struggling etc when actually it’s the parent that is all those things and the child in school is absolutely fine. We have to be polite but I want to say ‘it’s a you issue not a child issue’.

i am guilty of this too and was so especially when my kids were small. I thought my eldest had terrible friendship issues (she didn’t) and even now feel like I’ve been stabbed when the bitchy girl stuff hits. It’s a me issue, and normal development stuff for them. I keep having to remind myself of this so I know it’s hard!

So I am telling you to do something I find hard myself but find much much easier now they are older and you see that they have grown into confident, bright and kind people despite your anxiety and overthinking.

make the choice based on HER, not the class. It had to be a child centric decision.

I wouldn't defer on that basis. She will be by far the oldest for the rest of her school life and imo will act down to the younger ages rather than acting up to the older children. When she's in Year 7, she's going to be 12 going up with kids that are barely 11

Somebody said there are no disadvantages to deferring. Currently, school sixth forms can only get funding for 16-19 year olds. That means that, for most kids, if they change their mind about their A-levels, they can repeat year 12. Those who are already 17 at the start of sixth form can't. It's possible the rules may change now that there are more children who have deferred, but they might not.

There are occasional problems where things are done by "age on 1st September" rather than year group, meaning that an older child falls in a different age group to their classmates. It's difficult to know in advance whether this will affect any particular child.

Anecdotal stories are not helpful. My son was born end of August, is neurodivergent and really struggled being the youngest in the year.

I now really wish we had deferred him, if I’m honest.

I find it interesting readings the replies and seeing the votes on this, as I live in Scotland and the culture around deferral is so different.
In Scotland there is an absolute legal right to defer if your child would not yet be 5 on the first day of the school year, and you are guaranteed an additional funded year of childcare. It has become increasingly more and more common to defer, to the point that, in some areas (especially affluent areas), there are now very few 4 year olds starting school. Being older is seen as a big advantage - they are more academically ready to fly, rather than struggle through, they are older and more mature when choosing subjects and sitting exams, social issues such as dating and social media are pushed a year further down the line so they are that bit more mature and ready to cope with them. In Scotland it is seen as giving them time - an extra year of play, and just being a carefree kid before the demands of school start. Every teacher I have spoken to is hugely in favour of deferring wherever it is an option.
So it’s interesting to see in England that it is seen as “holding them back”, and if there is any way that the very youngest children could cope then sending them young is seen as the right thing to do, despite a lack of obvious benefits of being one of the youngest. Just a cultural difference I suppose.

Someone has to be the youngest @pbdrso that is beneficial to be the oldest can never be used as a reason by those making the rules. At a population level, all deferring achieves is to widen the gap between the oldest and youngest from being a year to being a year and 3 months.

however, the argument that just turned 4 can be too young is entirely valid.