AIBU - won’t watch my nephew who isn’t potty trained

[JenZart]

My sister, whom I’ll call Jane, is mother to a 6-year-old boy, whom I’ll call Noah. Noah is a sweet child, and advanced in many ways, with one large caveat: he still exclusively uses nappies, day and night. I should mention here that Noah is not physically or developmentally delayed in any way.

Any time someone in the family brings it up, Jane will simply say he’s not ready and close down the discussion. As a mum of two now-grown boys (ages 21 and 24), I see all the signs of potty training readiness in Noah that I saw in my own kids two decades ago: he can recognise when he’s wet versus dry, can verbalise when he needs his nappy changed, and often seeks privacy when needs to do his business. But Jane still won’t hear about it from anyone.

Jane asked me recently if I would watch Noah for a week while she travels to attend a college reunion. (She went to school overseas for it would be a longer visit.) After giving it thought, I said I wasn’t comfortable changing nappies for a 6-year-old for that long. This sent her into a rage and I heard many variations of “He’s my child,” “I’ll decide when he’s ready,” and “you have no business telling me how to parent”.

This was 3 weeks ago, and I haven’t heard a word from Jane since. I love my sister, and I love my nephew, and I know I’m not his mum. But I feel that by prolonging his reliance on nappies, Jane is negatively affecting his development. I also feel like she’s opening him up to ridicule as he’s at the age to begin school. AIBU?

Not at all. I wouldn't be changing a 6 year old's nappies unless ND, and I don't think he would like it either. She's going to find child care very hard to come by, and she's not doing him any favours at all. How is it managed at school, haven't his friends noticed?

What is his school saying? Does she have any younger children? I ask because I once knew a lady who was desperate for a second child but was unable to fall pregnant, so she babied her only child including keeping her in nappies way longer than necessary. She did eventually fall pregnant and the eldest got put in pants almost instantly.

I’d have been tempted to say yes and then potty train him in that week! My BIL & SIL were similar, nephew was dry during the day but still in nappies at night. Except when he stayed at PILs overnight and was mostly fine. How does he cope at school at that age?

YANBU.

Although you could take the opportunity to potty train him that week!

A 6 year old should be long out of nappies if there are no additional needs. It is just lazy parenting.

Nope, I wouldn't want to change the nappy of a galumphing great six year old.
Different if it was an emergency or there were special needs but a week of that?
No.

Presume you are not in England as in England a 6 year old would be in school.

you can refuse to babysit for any reason but it seems fairly clear that giving your reason to Jane would piss her off.

we didn’t babysit one set of nieces and nephews to behaviour but we didn’t tell the mum that.

sometimes diplomacy is better

I’d have taken him for the week and got rid of the nappies . In all honesty , if this is true I’d be reporting her to SS as it’s a form of neglect .

Where do you live? He’s well past the age to begin school at 6 in the U.K. Of course you’re not wrong to decline a week of childcare even if it didn’t mean changing nappies for a 6 year old. She can tantrum or stonewall all she likes, she’s wrong.

‘Being in school and out of nappies isn’t an assumption you can make now. There’s been stuff in the news about it this week

sadly and horrifically. Unless there’s an additional need it’s adult laziness. We can no longer blame this one on covid

I would also consider this abusive in a neurotypical child. Is he babied in other ways as well

Of course you're not being unreasonable. Jane can shout that he's her child and she can parent however she wants, but her negligence has consequences - that others don't want to babysit. Tough shit.

I’d be using the week to potty train him tbh, seems like he needs it

I have a 4 and 2 yo

NO FUCKING WAY.

The only way I'd agree would be to potty train him for her. I did my dd in 3 / 4 days my son at 28m took longer. 4 to be 70% there and about 20 days to crack it... but he's 2.

Jane needs her head examining she is setting her son up for failure.

You could be doing him a favour to look after him and get him toilet trained whilst with you.

This is a bit of a ridiculous comment. First of all because surely there is nothing 'tempting' about potty training any child, it's not a fun few days, even more so when the child isn't even yours. Secondly because if she is so angry with OP at just a mere refusal to not look after him, potty training him against her wishes will likely damage their relationship irrevocably. Thirdly because after only a few days he will almost definitely regress if his mum comes back and puts him straight back into nappies, so would be completely pointless.

YANBU OP. Even taking away the potty training, she is asking you for a huge favour, it's completely fine to say no for whatever reason. It's her choice to keep him in nappies, she has to accept it's an unusual one and people will have views on it.

Why isn’t he already in school?

I most certainly wouldn't potty train someone else's child, it's not the OP's job to deal with the mess, and her sister would go ballistic, clearly. She's going to have to find someone else, and she really needs to get on it, how long is she going to leave i t, 8? 10? Poor boy.

Honestly, I think if he’s developmentally normal and still in nappies and she’s not willing to try potty training, then this sounds actually abusive. She may not be telling you everything.

I struggle to believe a ‘normal’ six year old is happy with this situation, they will be seeing other children go to the toilet?

Night time nappies is completely different to the one OP is discussing. 'Mostly' fine is not the same as dry during the night, please stick with what you know about.

I would do this. Obvious solution, you’ll be vastly improving his life!

Hmm taking bets on this being deleted for being AI... 🤔

another vote for toilet training him whilst she’s away

She might not thank you for it, but he always will

edited to change it to toilet training, not sure why I called it potty training!

Yes… I will with a just turned two year old at the weekend, and they were refusing to wear a nappy and wanted to use the toilet instead - I really struggle to believe a 6 year old is just accepting this is normal.

You're not telling her how to parent. You're saying that as a result of her parenting, you are not willing to provide childcare.

Have his school not said anything? We'd have raised that with safeguarding when I used to work in a school.

No way on earth would I be dealing with a 6 year olds shitty arse for a week. She can take him with her. Would be a nice trip.