AIBU not wanting my children involved in my sister's wedding?

[Cherrytree696]

My sister is getting married next year. We don't really speak other than through our parents (we speak at Christmas and family events but she will regularly tell my mum that we've spoken or mention that she messages/phones me but I don't message her back - this is not true but it's hard to argue simply due to the dynamics of our family relationship).

Most recently, she told our mum that she hasn't asked my children to be flower girls (4 and 2) because she doesn't want to put any pressure on them. My mum thought this was very understanding of her (my sister doesn't know my kids and doesn't send them birthday cards or even birthday text messages) so my mum thought it would be lovely if my children presented her with a horseshoe on her wedding day.

I said no because they don't know her and to be honest I was planning on not bringing them to the ceremony - maybe the eldest one if she wants to go but probably not the youngest one.

This has caused a huge fall out between me and my mum. My dad thinks I'm being reasonable. My mum thinks I'm being selfish. Am I? I hadn't thought it was a big deal. She lives 3 hours away, never makes the effort to come and see us or in anyway be in my life or my kids lives. I used to try with her but I don't anymore.

Our relationship is exhausting and after she gets married I will barely hear from her again.

Your mum needs to get a grip.

The horse shoe can fuck off.

Personally for a quiet life i'd say fine I'll bring them...go as a family to the ceremony only (it costs 50mins and a few sticker books) get one pic with your sister and kids.... then have your dh take them home because nap/unwell/whatever and you stay.

In defence of your mum (maybe) its very hard to see your children not get on.

Your mother is being unreasonable to both her daughters here.

Firstly to you by falling out over this, which is completely ridiculous.
Secondly to your sister who really maybe does not want two children she has not asked to be in the wedding to present her with a horseshoe!
She’s told your mum it’s because she doesn’t want to pressure but maybe the real reason is she doesn’t want two very small children in the wedding party.
And you’d look like a complete weirdo who was pissed off her children weren’t asked and therefore found a way to muscle in.

Unless the request comes from your sister I’d say no. Your mum needs to butt out!

You say she never comes to see you - how often do you go to see her?

This sounds like it is going to be a truly joyful affair!

I do wonder the sisters version of all this, but no the children do not need to be involved regardless

The horseshoe idea is a little crazy but I would definitely take the kids to their aunt's wedding, it seems rather passive aggressive not to bring them at all.

I think it's all a lot deeper than a horseshoe.

I agree with a PP that your mum is very sad about your relationship and is trying to do something at the wedding to bring you closer. She probably thinks this is a great opportunity for that and was sad for kids weren't asked to be more involved so she created a 'replacement'. I really don't see why you can't go along with it to keep your mum happy. I'm sure she's done a lot for you. I would see this as not really about your sister at all, but about your poor mum.

Your mum sounds bonkers, by any chance was she the cause of you barely speaking?

I wouldn’t want a horseshoe presented to me during my wedding, it would take me by surprise and wouldn’t be something I had planned into my look. If you would enjoy the wedding more without your kids then don’t be pressured into taking them.

So your sister has not chosen your dd to be flower girls, but your mum wants them to be? Your mum shouldn’t interfere. Regardless of your lack of bond with with your sister, she sounds very reasonable over this (green flag) unlike your mum.

I don't want to do the horseshoe idea as my sister has been very clear that I'm a guest at her wedding and not involved in the bridal party. She didn't want me to be a bridesmaid or anything which has also caused my mum upset but it's about her and her husband and I don't want to upset that in anyway.

To be honest I think it's my dad that has caused the fallings out over the years. He is my step dad (my dad doesn't want to know me) and I think he has treated me slightly differently but I was a lot older than my brother and sister, plus I arrived in his life not as a baby so it's always been a different sort of relationship.

I would take them to the reception just not the ceremony. I wouldn't want them to steal focus by misbehaving.

My brother is the exact same, doesn't even acknowledge his nephews even when one nearly died in hostipal and my mums attitude is the same. Should bend over backwards for him. I told her when he puts the effort in I will return the effort otherwise I'm not interested. Stick to your guns!

That makes sense. Your mum is still desperate to keep up the pretence of 'one big happy family' when your step-dad treats you differently than your brother and sister which has created the distance between you and your half-siblings.

You are not being unreasonable at all. You don't want your children to do it and you know that your sister will hate it and will blame you.

So is she actually just your much younger half-sister? I wouldn't be fussed about the wedding either but expecting birthday text messages for preschoolers is a bit high maintenance.

YANBU at all. Is your mum perhaps not as involved in your sister's wedding as she wants to be and is focusing on this as a way to leave her mark?

Is the wedding going to be 3 hours away? If it is, how could you leave one or two children for the service but take them to the reception. There sounds like their is a lot of hostility within your family, do you want to go?

It takes all of 30 seconds to say happy birthday by text message. How is that high maintenance? 😂

I'd question why you're going to the wedding in the first place if you don't really speak to each other

I feel sorry for your mum. Your sister might be lying but at least she is considering your mums feelings.

I agree with this. As a mum, I hope my kids will be close, especially once I'm long gone. They are adults and they are close, but of course I can not live their lives for them and what will be will be.

I think your mum is just throwing the idea out there as something that keeps some sort of connection.

I wouldn't make a big deal out of it.

If one girl or both girls attend, they wear their prettiest dresses (or whatever you have chosen), there's no pressure and they simply present the bride with a horseshoe. Your 4 year old will probably love it and it's a nice family moment for your mum.

Will it change anything between you and your sister? Probably not, but who knows, it might help to keep the door open and maybe you'll have more in common once she (maybe) has kids.

In a post from April you had 1x 18 month old boy and were asking about having a second. By July you had 3 kids that you were posting about, all under 4. In this post you have 2 daughters. In another post recently, you were about to celebrate one of their 1st birthdays.

I get people change details 'for privacy' 🙄 but it undermines your credibility as a poster when nothing adds up.

Sounds like the unreasonable one is your mum. Call or text your sister and say to her that because they are very little and not likely to sit still you were not planning to have them at the ceremony may your dh will bring them in for the reception, and take them home once they get tired, explain your mum is upset they won’t be in the ceremony, what does she, the bride prefer, because you can bring them but you can’t guarantee a 2 year old will sit quietly. If she says it’s absolutely fine for them to be there and understands a toddler may get up, dance or need to be taken out then fine bring them, if she would prefer child free, respect that