AIBU not wanting my children involved in my sister's wedding?

[Cherrytree696]

My sister is getting married next year. We don't really speak other than through our parents (we speak at Christmas and family events but she will regularly tell my mum that we've spoken or mention that she messages/phones me but I don't message her back - this is not true but it's hard to argue simply due to the dynamics of our family relationship).

Most recently, she told our mum that she hasn't asked my children to be flower girls (4 and 2) because she doesn't want to put any pressure on them. My mum thought this was very understanding of her (my sister doesn't know my kids and doesn't send them birthday cards or even birthday text messages) so my mum thought it would be lovely if my children presented her with a horseshoe on her wedding day.

I said no because they don't know her and to be honest I was planning on not bringing them to the ceremony - maybe the eldest one if she wants to go but probably not the youngest one.

This has caused a huge fall out between me and my mum. My dad thinks I'm being reasonable. My mum thinks I'm being selfish. Am I? I hadn't thought it was a big deal. She lives 3 hours away, never makes the effort to come and see us or in anyway be in my life or my kids lives. I used to try with her but I don't anymore.

Our relationship is exhausting and after she gets married I will barely hear from her again.

Wow, who knew suggesting a child present a horseshoe at a wedding could cause so much stress and angst

So she’s your half sister?

"The horse shoe can fuck off" is sentence I never thought I'd read, but I am loving the energy of it.

I'd be taking myself and dc out for the day and swerving the whole thing..

I think your mum is actually stirring up more trouble here, even if it's not deliberate. Neither you nor your sister want your two small children actively involved in the wedding. That is a perfectly sensible decision. Point out to your mum that you are both in agreement.

I really don’t see why you can’t go along with it to keep your mum happy

Because it’s her sister’s wedding and she’s not asked for this to happen.

I like my nephew. If I was getting married now, I wouldn’t want him in the wedding. I wouldn’t want my mum and sister to plan for him to toddle up and give me a horseshoe. I really would not want that to happen. And if the relationship between my sister and me were already strained like OP and her sister, I’d like it even less.

I'd definitely find a party or something for the children to go to on the day of the wedding. Or invent chicken pox or similar.

Whether you attend or not any disasters the blame will go your way.
If you aren't physically there the guests will know it's all in dm /dsis heads...

Usually the parents are the cause of sibling issues. It’s hard to see, but delve deeper and it becomes apparent.

I'm older than you, and with life experience behind me, I'd say you need to build bridges with your sister.

25 years from now, your parents will be dead, your children will be gone, and there's a 50% chance you won't be with your DH anymore. Your family will have shrunk more than you can fathom now, and you only have one sister.

Use this opportunity to reach out.

You ‘’hadn’t planned a horseshoe in your look’….this is usually said on TikTok videos about ‘things I won’t allow at my wedding 2028’ 🤣

I'm also a lot older than you, and with the experience of my family I can predict that once your parents die, you will never see your sibling again. The thing is, it doesn't matter how many siblings you have, if they don't want to know then that's that - it doesn't matter what you say or do.

Do the horse shoe or don't do the horse shoe, it will not change anything. Your sister, for her own reasons, doesn't want to know you and your family and that's that.

I don't understand why you are going. To appease your mother? Your sister isn't bothered, you aren't bothered, you don't have a sister sort of relationship and you'll never see her again. Just... say no thanks and give up on the whole thing?

Your mum pushing in about some random ceremony no one wants is bizarre and I wouldn't engage with any of this.

This is a spiteful thing to say and has no relevance to the OPs question.

Thank you for sharing this - someone else said that this op has a lot of posts where there is someone unreasonable in her life… all seems a bit attention seeking then!

She’s also an only child in her thread from April where she’s discussing considering having a second baby…

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/parenting/5518472-anyone-else-anxious-about-having-a-second-child-after-first-baby?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=app_share

This sounds like it's more about your mum trying to 'involve' the whole family in the wedding. With good intentions but not the best idea. The horseshoe thing may seem to your sister like you are muscling in your kids to her ceremony. Also if being bridesmaids is supposedly too much pressure then I don't see how presenting a horseshoe will be easier for them.

So she's gone from have one eighteen month old boy to two preschool girls in the space of six months??!!I

Thats quite some achievement.

YANBU because the horseshoe itself is pointless tat.

Just take them out if they act up at the ceremony OP. Doesn’t matter if it’s a church or a registry affair, whatever type of service -mass , wedding, funeral etc. You take them outside if they make a disturbance. 🤷‍♀️

I don't understand why the drama about not bringing the children?

If you just pop to the ceremony and disappear after, you are making a point.

if you come and stay for the ceremony, the party and enjoy yourself, it's obvious you just wanted to have fun. I have never seen anyone being offended because a guest came child-free?

Nothing wrong with taking a 4 and 2 yo to a wedding, but it's obvious you will miss half the ceremony if the toddler starts to misbehave, you will spend the meal at the kids tables, 2 yo don't eat their diner quietly for 1 hour when in a strange place and the same for the rest of the day.

I mean come on, you take your young kids, you don't enjoy the wedding. Posters are weird.

oh dear! I had missed that bit!

I’ve spent a lot of money on a dress and flowers that I like and look classy, I don’t want to also have hold of a tacky horseshoe. It’s mine and my partners day so we plan what we want. But, yes hun, you put me down for that if it makes you feel better, bet you also like singing waiters.