My 16 yr old son and his behaviour

[etchings]

My son is 16, he has anxiety, attachment issues and is hugely sensitive. He is constantly with me unless at school or with a friend/ an event/ an activity or indeed anything that he enjoys.
Its interesting as he has no problems going to a party or school or work experience but otherwise he wants me by his side24/7.
His boundaries are skewed and life is extremely difficult at home. His siblings resent him, his father actively dislikes him. He has been described by many as as unlikeable but he is my youngest and I love him very much and feel terribly sorry for him as he struggles socially with friends.
i have a new partner of nine months. We only see each other once per week and he’s never stayed over . My son having fought with me having a life of my own for years is now upset that my partner is not part of his life .
my partner has met my son and my son was quiet but pleasant. My partner offered to teach him a new skill in a sport which my son would live and it would really enhance him socially.
on was thrilled yesterday to hear that my sons only friend suggested that they go to play a game within this sport once my son has his equipment so my son was delighted also.
This is a big step for him.
Last night , I was in my room talking to my partner very late at night. We were speaking very quietly as my son has a habit of hanging around my door listening to my conversations.
I told my partner of both my sons and my delight that his friend had suggested playing this sport and that timing of my partners lesson was ideal.
It transpires that my son was hanging outside and listened to our conversation. He came in at least four times.
He absolutely lost his shit that I told my partner that information, was verbally very abusive and I am so upset.
Im on my last nerve with him.
He has destroyed every relationship I’ve ever had and put massive strain on my family and friend relationships. I just don’t know what to do with him anymore .
He says that my partner was the worst thing that has ever happened to our family.. even though he has very little to do with us as a family and has been unfailingly kind and polite. I just need to keep our relationship separate as my partner would be teasonabalento leave if he was involved .
please advise.
Am I being unreasonable to even have a relationship? My son has absolutely broken me down through the years and despite so much intervention from CAMHS, psychology and all different therapies, he refuses to engage with any of them

Sounds very difficult. Does he have any kind of formal diagnosis?

Not ASD, has anxiety , attachment disorder but serious behavioural challenges . Low level depression also.
To meet him, one would think that he is fully independent , great fun etc but inside closed doors his behaviour is controlling and he is verbally abusive towards his siblings and I . His emotionally dysregulated most of the time, is enormously sensitive and so much natural and normal interaction is perceived as a sleight. His maturity is that of approx 12/13. Years of age and he is ‘ never ‘ wrong. He is generally disliked by family and friends

@etchings that sounds a very stressful scenario.

I think I would be setting some VERY clear boundaries with him.

Make it clear that listening at doors is very rude and unacceptable behaviour.
Make it clear that telling someone that he was exciting and looking forward to something is a normal thing to do, and his reaction was unacceptable and rude.

You then need some time to yourself. He is 16 so leave him at home and go out with your partner for a couple of hours.

When you have such a challenging child, it's very easy to enable their unhelpful behaviours by ignoring the behaviour or not challenging it to keep the peace.

I have a 10 year old with ASD who can be very challenging, but I am now VERY clear with him when he is being rude and will tell him so, even though he doesn't want to hear it.

I agree with this

Thank you so much. It would be so much easier to ignore these continuous relentless challenging behaviours. I feel so depressed myself with him and this man I’m seeing is such a joy and escape , I’d hate for another companionship to fall apart . I’ve felt like walking straight into the sea on many occasions tbh.

His disorders sound rather selective and centred on him controlling YOU.

You should do the right thing for him and cut the apron strings.

See More of your fella. Go away with him for a weekend. Disregard tears and tantrums.

Tell him you love him but he has his own life to live that won't involve you - and you still have a life that won't revolve around him.

He sounds very controlling. Not necessarily linked to a disorder. Just very controlling of you and I really think you need to be very firm about how it’s not acceptable and that you will not be controlled. Anxiety doesn’t make it acceptable to listen outside doors and be rude and disrespectful.

Controlling behaviours are very unpleasant to be on the receiving end of, but they are understandable if you see them as a child's attempt to create safety in a world that scares him. Your ds did not choose to have attachment difficulties, that was something that happened to him. He didn't choose to have a dad that actively dislikes him, that would impact anyone.

Of course you're allowed to have a relationship. You shouldn't give that up. But time dedicated to helping your ds feel secure (e.g. I'm going out but being clear when you'll be back) is probably going to help in the long run.

So take this as the turning point. Things are going to change.

Speak to him, and TELL him that he was rude and he needs to apologise. If he doesn't want to apologise face to face, he can write a note of apology.

Tell him that listening at doors is rude and that if he does it again, XXXX will happen (no phone/xbox/playstation or whatever for 24 hours/a week etc... make the consequence VERY clear).

Tell him that your partner is a really nice person, and you are entitled to have a life outside of him. Say that you're sorry he feels that "Dave" is the worst thing that has happened to the family, but you disagree and "Dave" will continue to be a part of your life, and if he doesn't make "Dave" feel welcome in your home, then you will meet up with Dave elsewhere.

It needs to be made clear that his temper and anger are not going to dictate what goes on in the house.

Good luck!!

What external/therapeutic support does your son have and what is in place for his siblings?

My son has refused point blank to engage with any services . My other children have had counselling, art therapy and play therapy on the past . It has been recommended that he does not engage with family therapy is it is futile when he will not engage but others will. It was considered that his behaviour may escalate

Have you had any support yourself on how to handle him? Its so tough to figure out whats best, but allowing him to dictate what happens is making his anxiety worse long term, not better. It reinforces the anxiety in his head. Agree with others that you need a 'blank slate' conversation and to set boundaries. The fact he's perfectly happy to do stuff without you indicates to me that this is learned behaviour thats been reinforced over the years. What happens if you or the others push back right now?

By escalate, do you mean violence towards himself and others?

I know you say he won’t engage with outside therapies. That’s very hard, but you’re going to have to engage on his behalf so he can see that you’re not kidding and your new boundaries are firm.

There is a diagnosis in there somewhere. 💯

I don't really understand what he's losing his shit over. If it's as minor as it sounds, tell him to fuck off. Stop walking on eggshells with him.

If we push back he makes our lives a misery . He says terrible things, makes life so difficult, a nightmare to manage and I have no support as those well meaning in my life have supportive husbands and partners and families. Mine thinks he just needs to be told what’s for and he’ll do it. They’ve literally no concept of raising a child with challenges so it’s all very simplistic to them.,They never ask him to do anything with them , however

If we push back he makes our lives a misery . He says terrible things, makes life so difficult, a nightmare to manage and I have no support as those well meaning in my life have supportive husbands and partners and families. Mine thinks he just needs to be told what’s for and he’ll do it. They’ve literally no concept of raising a child with challenges so it’s all very simplistic to them.,They never ask him to do anything with them , however

If we push back he makes our lives a misery . He says terrible things, makes life so difficult, a nightmare to manage and I have no support as those well meaning in my life have supportive husbands and partners and families. Mine thinks he just needs to be told what’s for and he’ll do it. They’ve literally no concept of raising a child with challenges so it’s all very simplistic to them.,They never ask him to do anything with them , however

I agree with no family therapy as he will use it to abuse you. However something needs to be done before he escalates to help him internalize the social rules that govern good/reasonable family relationships. And all relationships. 1) not eavesdropping, 2) not verbally abusing anyone, 3) not dictating other’s behavior. He is old enough to receive consequences for these behaviors.

Look up Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder and you may find him there. By the way.

Might be worth listing specifically what he does to make life a misery, there's some really wonderful people on here who will have dealt with similar who will know how to help. Might also be worth specifically listing what you have tried already, and for how long, techniques, consequences, etc. None of us pop out the womb knowing how to deal with the difficult stuff like this but you are not alone, people will have ideas of things you can try. Im so sorry you are dealing with this.

I think a teen with an attachment disorder is out of mumsnets paygrade, this is not a kid choosing to be rude where losing phone privileges will help modify behaviour. I'm not sure what his early life was like but it would have to have been very difficult to end up with an attachment disorder. Unfortunately for a lot of kids like this they only engage with services when they are forced to be the criminal justice system. Are you able to seek out support on parenting kids with attachment disorders for yourself via social services?

He sounds like my son who has an ASD PDA profile, however because I know him we manage it with low demand parenting things are a lot better. Have they ruled out ASD?

He's running rings around you!

What punishments do you give? What consequences does he suffer for his bad behaviour?

YOU are the adult here, not him. Take control.
For his sake if not yours.

What are you afraid of?

Since he was weaned off the breast , he has been attached to me. Screaming as a baby when I would go to the bathroom, tantrums as a toddler when I needed to return to work, panic attacks in school when he needed to gontonafterschool care, hanging off teachers and staff, inability to stay to any activity independently even when I was parked up. Dad never had any interest in him as we slept in our bed as he refused to sleep in his own and theee to four times per night coming out of his bed was enough to cause us both sleep deprivation and him to have affairs as I was not’ up for it’ while our son was in our bed.
my exh shouted and intimidated our son and my son couldn’t cope .
Anorher of our children has ASD so needed a lot of support when v young as he was a flight risk. This is where the attachment disorder really kicked in. Dad and I separated and son became completely dysregulated… verbally abusive towards me especially. He says some really awful things and in those moments he doesn’t care what he says. He can be very sweet , generous and kind. He says his behaviour is because he loves me and wants to be with me. My exh never cared.. he was gone and was unable to parent any of our children but especially not him. Our children dislike their father intensely .
so we had CAMHs, psychologist, counselling, art and music therapy etc etc . He refused point blank to engage saying he was fine , there was no problem .
He has improved in that he will go to party’s, family events and friend events. He is unpopular with all our family and his class mates and is deeply immature. He obsesses over the slightest thing and becomes fixated on certain trains of thought. I have no doubt that my husband left and my last partner and I broke up because of his behaviours .
only last week at a family event, my son refused to stay with his adult sibling and partner at a cottage overnight with me in the adjacent cottage so I could spend some time with my partner . My partner ended up in with my adult child and partner .?Thisnisnthe harsh reality of my life.
I have no doubt that he will go to uni once the opportunity arises in the next couple of years and frankly, I need him to go before my
mental health regresses again.

Thanks for the thoughts but those who think he’s ringing runs around me do not seem to have any experience of f this type of situation. I have two other well adjusted, healthy, lovely, polite, kind and mannerly children

He reminds me very much f his father . Kind, polite and loving and then switches to a verbally abusive monster who cannot cope if he does not get his own way or if anyone or anything is prioritised other than him