My 16 yr old son and his behaviour

[etchings]

My son is 16, he has anxiety, attachment issues and is hugely sensitive. He is constantly with me unless at school or with a friend/ an event/ an activity or indeed anything that he enjoys.
Its interesting as he has no problems going to a party or school or work experience but otherwise he wants me by his side24/7.
His boundaries are skewed and life is extremely difficult at home. His siblings resent him, his father actively dislikes him. He has been described by many as as unlikeable but he is my youngest and I love him very much and feel terribly sorry for him as he struggles socially with friends.
i have a new partner of nine months. We only see each other once per week and he’s never stayed over . My son having fought with me having a life of my own for years is now upset that my partner is not part of his life .
my partner has met my son and my son was quiet but pleasant. My partner offered to teach him a new skill in a sport which my son would live and it would really enhance him socially.
on was thrilled yesterday to hear that my sons only friend suggested that they go to play a game within this sport once my son has his equipment so my son was delighted also.
This is a big step for him.
Last night , I was in my room talking to my partner very late at night. We were speaking very quietly as my son has a habit of hanging around my door listening to my conversations.
I told my partner of both my sons and my delight that his friend had suggested playing this sport and that timing of my partners lesson was ideal.
It transpires that my son was hanging outside and listened to our conversation. He came in at least four times.
He absolutely lost his shit that I told my partner that information, was verbally very abusive and I am so upset.
Im on my last nerve with him.
He has destroyed every relationship I’ve ever had and put massive strain on my family and friend relationships. I just don’t know what to do with him anymore .
He says that my partner was the worst thing that has ever happened to our family.. even though he has very little to do with us as a family and has been unfailingly kind and polite. I just need to keep our relationship separate as my partner would be teasonabalento leave if he was involved .
please advise.
Am I being unreasonable to even have a relationship? My son has absolutely broken me down through the years and despite so much intervention from CAMHS, psychology and all different therapies, he refuses to engage with any of them

From what you say he's like my DS https://www.pdasociety.org.uk/what-is-pda/?gad_source=1&gad_campaignid=23527024469&gbraid=0AAAAA-ERU3JoeoKGDkdwtSTAlRWxGvDRh&gclid=CjwKCAjwrP3VBhBbEiwAnaqpQ1Rj5t1TyykjZE09glwmFIS3JXbuBBMbsqFv3ssrgQrCSxpiexRTgRoCc1UQAvD_BwE

OP, so sorry you have this to contend with. Please do not give up time with your partner.

Your DS sounds very controlling and it seems to be focussed entirely on you. I think you might need to make some small changes and stick to your guns. It sounds like everything is on his terms but that isn't good for anyone. You sound like you have put your needs last but I suspect you will need to ring fence some tIme doing things for yourself in order to support him,

I would make it clear that you are going to go to other things at certain points in the week and stick to it. Start small and build up. Do not let any behaviour of his detail you. Be calm and kind but keep repeating that you are taking some time for yourself on these occasions. Make plans with him too. If he behaves better outside the house, lean on that and have some planned outings.

I would make it clear that listening at doors and interrupting private conversations is not acceptable at any age. You wouldn't want him thinking any of these behaviours are okay and treating others this way.

I also wonder if women's aid might have some useful support to offer. The reasons for his behaviour may well be anxiety etc but his actual behaviour is sounding like domestic violence. If you ever feel actually afraid of him, do call the Police.

You sound like you have been the most thoughtful and lovely mum but it is possible that in being so sensitive to his needs, you have taught him that it is okay to treat another person so badly, and that feels a bit dangerous. Imagine he treated a girl his age like this? It feels like he is immune to your emotional reactions and is continuing when you are upset because he thinks your feelings don't matter.

Is he in school or college?

I would not have children listening in on my private conversations. You need to wean him off you, start going for a walk, to the cinema, out for a meal.

I feel like I’ve been bullied by him his entire teenage life

I feel like I’ve been bullied by him his entire teenage life

This kid is crying out for stability and love from his mother, and good male role models (and by that I do not mean a stepfather, I mean sports coaches etc.).

I would forget all about have a boyfriend for now, OP. You say that your current partner doesn't stay overnight but then you contradict that, so clearly this isn't true. Between the horrible role model of his bio father and this current boyfriend, there's been another man. It's too much.

You describe someone very sensitive who you are then surprised listens to whispered conversations? Come on. Of course that was going to upset him

Just stop with the men for a few years. Be a mother who provides stability. You don't need a man to do that, in fact for you and your children, better without. For now.

Encourage him 100% to do anything and everything (healthy) that he is enthusiastic about. Take him to the sport he enjoys etc..

Ignore the bad behavior, engaging with it only escalates things.

You think he will go to uni so then, you can return to dating.

What I really hate is that in order to have any tiny bit of time alone , I have to leave my home. All Inwant is to sit down and read a book in peace instead of.. ‘ talk to me’ ‘ talk to the dog’ ‘ what did xyz say on the phone/ text?’
what are we doing every single day ? It’s relentless and I absolutely hate the majority of my life . It’s hard not to be bitter and resentful towards that bastard that walked out and left it all to me knowing he created most of our troubles if not exacerbated them

@GoodGirlFaithI appreciate the sentiments but you clearly have no idea what you’re talking about in relation to this awful situation. I have devoted my whole life to him and my children and raised them on my own in difficult circumstances .
Sports? Coaches ? In a million years he wouldn’t go to anything like that. Do you not think I’ve tried hundreds of things? Tried everything ?? Do you think I spent all of my life savings on him trying to support him and us ,for fun?
You’re clearly completely out of this loop.
But thanks anyway .

No advice other than to leave him and go out for increasing amounts of time. Unless you have younger siblings that shouldn’t be left with him?

Are you sure he’ll go to university? It doesn’t sound like he will cope away from you.

He will cope just fine ! He will make new friends where he isn’t known and lose them when he loses his shit about some
minor issue . I genuinely have no concerns there.

He might not cope without being there to have control over you, though. If he’s unwilling to let you do anything alone now, what’s going to change between now and then?

Your DS is the product of an abusive, controlling father. His behaviours are mirroring his father’s behaviours towards you. Unless you get really tough with him, this is not going to change in any way. He believes he’s the boss, that he owns you, that no other man can be in your life.
Im not entirely sure what can be done now he’s 16 in terms of changing this behaviour - I’d suggest that you need to bring in very firm boundaries in terms of what you expect from him. I’d also advise that if he is at all aggressive towards you that you seek support from Women’s refuge.
https://www.communitycare.co.uk/content/news/tackling-domestic-abuse-by-adult-sons-against-their-mothers

You can't have him listening at the door like that and bursting in. That is a gross violation of privacy.

Two ways to address that: 1) start playing white noise to drown out your low voices while talking, so he can't comprehend what's being said. Tell him you need it to help you relax and sleep. 2) get a lock for your bedroom door and lock him out.

I know you don't want to leave the house and want the comfort of home- that's normal, who wouldn't? But you need that time away from him. Keep going out to anywhere you can. The library is free, or pick a coffee shop or pub to go and read your book.

You've been dealt a hard hand with him. I hope you can find some solutions.

Pushing back, boundaries placed and enforced will cause issues and it will take a long time for things to improve. But you really have to be strong, consistent and fair and yes, not easy in the slightest. He's used to being in control at home, he's ruling the roost - and to take some of it out on his siblings is incredibly unfair.

He reminds me of my son a few years ago. Age about 12 became extremely violent and clingy. I had introduced a new partner months before and my son couldnt cope with me leaving the house with partner. Everything came to a head when i lost my job (night work) and was home every day. Within 2 weeks the violence and clingyness stopped. He obviously needed the security of me in the house. He is now nearly 16, asd and adhd and is a lovely young man. Maybe your son has a similar need that is not being met?

Ingest everything you can about PDA. Especially declarative language.

Sounds like you let him get away with a lot because he doesn't respond well to getting told off. That is just reinforcing his belief that he is in charge. He needs to be told that he can't listen at doors and he has no control over what you talk to your partner about. He's ruling the roost and that's the way he likes it.

I've seen this so many times. Abusive fathers creating abusive sons then taking off and leaving the mum to deal with it. You're options are very limited as what he needs is a positive father figure to teach him how to respect women. All you can do is be very firm with him and live your own life. You can prepare him, say at x time I will be doing x for x hours. I won't be contactable so call x in an emergency. If it's not an emergency it can wait. That's helping him manage his expectations and anxiety whilst showing that you will not be controlled by him.

Okay don’t listen to me, but you should listen to your son:

’anxiety

attachment issues

hugely sensitive

siblings resent him

father actively dislikes him

new partner of nine months

destroyed every relationship I’ve ever had

says that my partner was the worst thing that has ever happened to our family.’

The need for stability is so clear.

OP, tell us what happens exactly when thus behaviour starts - what does he say, what do you say, what happens? Specific examples of incidents. What techniques have you tried in the past? If you give this detail, people might be able to help.

Thanks.Its difficult to explain. He goes from 0-109 in seconds . He’s always right and always looking for apologies for something he did that upset us. He wears us down . It’s like an obsession with him… he gets fixated on things.. like a dog with a bone and if and when things don’t turn out right or if he doesn’t get his way , he gets angry and fixated and for a child who is disappointed by people all his life, his reactions are extreme.
I try to support, listen, offer objectivity and am patient but I am always wrong in his eyes . He then turns nasty and insulting… ‘ no wonder dad had affairs’ , for example . I explain that he is not allowed to speak to me that way, I leave the room, he follows me, gets more verbally abusive and the circle continues . Tonight especially I could walk out and never return the way I’m feeling .
Hes met my partner a couple of times. My partners never stayed over. He resents me going for walks/ overnights with him and times me . He expects us to spend all my free time together at weekends and on holidays but when he gets an invitation, he’s gone out the door .So that’s it really .

Does he verbally abuse his teachers, siblings, your new partner, or his father?

Just one of his siblings but he is a huge trouble maker and lacks remorse

I wonder if he doesn't pick on people where he thinks they could possibly fight back so to speak?

I understand you're at your wit's end with him and I don't blame you one bit it must be very stressful trying to deal with this daily.

What consequences has he had for his behaviour?