My 16 yr old son and his behaviour

[etchings]

My son is 16, he has anxiety, attachment issues and is hugely sensitive. He is constantly with me unless at school or with a friend/ an event/ an activity or indeed anything that he enjoys.
Its interesting as he has no problems going to a party or school or work experience but otherwise he wants me by his side24/7.
His boundaries are skewed and life is extremely difficult at home. His siblings resent him, his father actively dislikes him. He has been described by many as as unlikeable but he is my youngest and I love him very much and feel terribly sorry for him as he struggles socially with friends.
i have a new partner of nine months. We only see each other once per week and he’s never stayed over . My son having fought with me having a life of my own for years is now upset that my partner is not part of his life .
my partner has met my son and my son was quiet but pleasant. My partner offered to teach him a new skill in a sport which my son would live and it would really enhance him socially.
on was thrilled yesterday to hear that my sons only friend suggested that they go to play a game within this sport once my son has his equipment so my son was delighted also.
This is a big step for him.
Last night , I was in my room talking to my partner very late at night. We were speaking very quietly as my son has a habit of hanging around my door listening to my conversations.
I told my partner of both my sons and my delight that his friend had suggested playing this sport and that timing of my partners lesson was ideal.
It transpires that my son was hanging outside and listened to our conversation. He came in at least four times.
He absolutely lost his shit that I told my partner that information, was verbally very abusive and I am so upset.
Im on my last nerve with him.
He has destroyed every relationship I’ve ever had and put massive strain on my family and friend relationships. I just don’t know what to do with him anymore .
He says that my partner was the worst thing that has ever happened to our family.. even though he has very little to do with us as a family and has been unfailingly kind and polite. I just need to keep our relationship separate as my partner would be teasonabalento leave if he was involved .
please advise.
Am I being unreasonable to even have a relationship? My son has absolutely broken me down through the years and despite so much intervention from CAMHS, psychology and all different therapies, he refuses to engage with any of them

That sounds like PDA to me. It's a sub-type of autism but PDAers are often assessed and told they are not autistic because it presents quite differently from other types of autism, so often only an assessor with lots of PDA-specific experience would be able to spot it. It's commonly mis-diagnosed as attachment issues by those who don't understand PDA.

As recommended upthread, the PDA Society is very helpful. Also the PDA Community and the Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA) Support Group on Facebook.

The PDAer's nervous system is typically on high alert and stressed and difficulties make their brain tell them that they are (literally) going to die. The controlling behaviours and other challenges are caused by them trying desperately to get to grips with a situation where they feel in fear of their life. The control is usually most intense around their primary caregiver, or safe person.

The separation anxiety is probably not really separation anxiety. What happens is that the child struggles hugely with emotional self-regulation due to nervous system activation, and needs to be with someone who can provide co-regulation for them. It's like they are "borrowing" your nervous system because theirs is metaphorically on fire. You are functioning like their disability aid and they need your presence in the way that a paralysed child needs their wheelchair, or a partially deaf child needs their hearing aid. Your DS not being able to have your full time and attention is likely making him feel such an extreme sense of panic that his brain thinks he's going to die.

It's incredibly common for PDA children experiencing high levels of stress to try to stop their parent interacting with others and especially their partner. This usually reduces when you find ways to use PDA-friendly strategies and lower their general stress levels.

There are lots of things you can do to help them feel safer and to make life better for everyone - but understanding PDA is essential for doing this. I've seen parents of children older than your DS learn about PDA, change how they parent, and completely transform their family's life for the better. It can get improve! Good luck.

Exactly. I posted about PDA which has been ignored. The more OP talks about what he’s like the more and more it’s sounds like PDA, including the going from 0-10 in seconds, being like a dog to a bone, abusive outbursts etc

Thank you x