Struggling with isolation after friendship loss

[SugarSpunSoul]

I'm 57, divorced, and live alone in a small town, and this summer has been one of the loneliest of my life.
A close friend of many years started to become very cold and began excluding me from things. It followed my marriage breakdown, her husband remained friendly with my ex, and although she'd been supportive initially, she gradually started to ghost me despite us all being in the same friendship group. I really struggled with this.
I confided in another friend from the same group, someone I'd been close to for many years, pretty much a best friend. She was warm and sympathetic and said we'd get together and talk about it. She's avoided me ever since. She responds to my social media posts with hearts and likes, and on my birthday she messaged to say she'd take me out for a drink. I never heard another word about it and didn't see her on my birthday.
What makes this particularly hard is that I'm a long way from my family who live in another country and these two women were my main source of day-to-day friendship and support. My youngest child has just left for college, I work from home, and this friendship group was a significant part of my support system. I do have good friends elsewhere and a supportive family, but they're not nearby, and the day-to-day isolation is really getting to me.
Has anyone else been through something like this? How did you come out the other side?

I am in a similar situation. I am planning on moving back to my home country to be near my family. I really don't think it is worth more mental health struggles and fighting loneliness at my age.

Can you try and make new friends in a new hobby?

I am sorry, OP. These 2 people sound very unkind indeed and I wouldn't be friends with anyone who was capable of kicking me when down. So, bin them!

I think the felling of isolation may lessen as you forget about them and redirect your mind and activity elsewhere. Try to view this time as a chance to do a few things in your own time, read a few books that you've always wanted to read, see your other friends, visit your family overseas and your child at college and join some clubs and groups (maybe a local walking group).

I think most people have experienced similar in their lifetime. I certainly have with a very good friend. I decided to put an end to her constantly letting me down, cancelling last minute and using me. I never instigate plans with her now.

Funnily enough, I can predict that as soon as she gets wind that I'm doing something fun, she'll message me. She just want me on the hook but I have turned the tables on her and changed the dynamic. I did this by making an effort to see other friends and do other things and the importance of her friendship diminished in my mind.

Focus on integrating into your community rather than looking for friendships. I moved a lot in recent years and I very quickly build daily interactions, however small. Chatting to neighbours, cashiers in shops, booking regular group activities... I am out and about most days and, while I don't have close friendships in my area (yet!), I get plenty of human contact. I went swimming the other day and had a lovely interaction with a lady who was just returning to open water swimming. We chatted for a bit and I will probably never see her again but it was a nice way to pass the time in the moment.
I have friends further afield whom I see a couple of times a year. Other than that a five minute chat with a stranger and a couple of nights out a year with my local dance studio and sports club plus volunteering for some events on weekends fills up my calendar very nicely.

Thanks all, it’s just nice to hear I am not alone. I thought I was past all this sort of mean girl phase of life. The hardest part for me is that my friend is just doing enough to keep me hanging but not actually following though with any real contact. Just likes and emojis on social media.

I dread bumping into her as it will be so awkward. I also had a horrible experience in a local restaurant recently where I was having pizza with my son before he headed off to uni and saw the ex friend who had originally ghosted me, out with her dh and another girl I know and they all ignored me, as if I wasn’t there.

I am also seriously considering moving back to my original country after 30 years here as it’s so hard. It’s hard to make new friends at this age and I still have old childhood friends back in my hometown that I’m still in touch with.

i have also been diagnosed recently with epilepsy so that’s been hard to deal with, just a bit crappy all round really, thanks for the support 🙏😔

I would be very careful making a decision to move back after being away for so long. You will likely feel like fish out of water. I sometimes think what it would be like to move back and I just can't even begin thinking about looking for a job, figuring out the ins and outs of healthcare, tax, transport, property laws... And I have a wonderful school friend whom I am very close with but... I guarantee you that we would not be seeing each other or talking to each other quite as much if we were living in the same city again. It's a bit like living in a tourist destination - you entertain visitors and do all the touristy things with them, but when you actually live there you seem to never have time or energy to visit a local museum.

I think it's a very delicate situation which needs a bit of unpicking.

Obviously it's shitty when people drop someone after a divorce. But it can be more ambiguous than it appears. These people may have felt under pressure to pick sides. It's an awkward, uncomfortable situation all round when a friendship group breaks up like this, and while you should expect to be treated decently, you can't necessarily expect that other people immediately step into the role of offering you a shoulder to cry on.

People at our stage of life are often weighed down by responsibilities such as families and jobs. Some people don't have the time or the emotional bandwidth for very intimate friendships.

With kindness, it sounds as if you may have been expecting quite a lot from these friends. You may have signaled to them, inadvertently, that you wanted them to step into the role of providing a lot of emotional support, and they may not have felt they could offer that for whatever reason. You sound as if you're reading too much into her communication to you and reading negative intent when it may just be that she's busy, tired, conflicted, or just has too much else going on to devote the headspace to it.

People understandably often overinvest in friendships in these moments and read a lot into things which aren't necessarily as important as they seem at the time. For totally understandable reasons, I would say you may be slightly overreacting and asking a lot. I'd take a step back, let things settle and see where you land, but in the mean time, focus on dialing back the emotional expectation.

@Catzathats a good point. At this stage though I would mainly be moving for the purpose of being close to family, mother two sisters and two brothers all live in hometown and could be close by to help if I had a seizure while I was alone at home, (a big fear) and would be nice to be closer to my mum as she is 88 and getting very frail. I know friendships are different when you live closer so I would be prepared for that, the thought of the effort though of untangling tax, health care property etc is daunting

Sadly, it happens all the time that a marriage ends and friends only feel able to maintain contact with one party

Shouldn't happen but it does, and often. Try not to take it too personally. I'm guessing these are the wives of yiur ex DH's friends?

Don't dismiss likes and hearts on Facebook. I use them as a way to signal genuine goodwill to my DH's friend's ex partner,. Although I didn't feel able to maintain frequent contact with him, I want him to know that I still care and wish him well

@Thepeopleversusworkyes I’m sure that I have been leaning on her a lot, but she leaned on me too for her own marriage difficulties although they have not split up, but she had/has many other worries with family estrangement and special needs adult child, we just supported each other through a lot, but I would not want to be a drain on someone. Perhaps this was inevitable but it doesn’t make it any less painful. I’ll be ok, I am resilient, it’s just I feel down about it some days.

@Dancingsquirrelsthe girl who ghosted me yes her dh is a friend of my ex-dh but my friend who still reacts to social media stuff no her dh isn’t a friend of my ex-dh. I had already lost a lot of friends due to their dhs being friends with my ex, these two girls had stayed friends with me, and a few more that were all in our group of 6 or so, they’ve all fallen away.

Have a look at Facebook. Theres alot of woman friendship groups popping up. Ir join a bookclub? Or learn karate. Try something new.

Well, living where she's actually living isn't working for the OP either.

I moved back to my home country after 28 years away a few years ago, and while absolutely it took considerable adjustment and time, in fact it was absolutely the right decision. I probably won't stay here forever, and it wasn't entirely psychologically straightforward, but it's been good for me, especially from the POV of making new friends, reconnecting with old ones and family members, and reconnecting with my roots.

Honestly, I know this is very direct to admit but I’m not really there for friends in need as much as I used to be.

Between family demands, work demands and not being as well and having much less energy than I did years ago I just don’t find I have the same capacity as I once had.

The expectations of this generation are that we are all there for each other in ways previous generations could never countenance, almost as surrogate therapists, and in the past I personally have been completely burnt out by other people who were struggling to deal with their own issues at a time while I was going through a lot too so I have learned along the way to step back.

I know speaking to other friends they have arrived to similar places via other routes.

I suppose I’m saying that expectations could be a part of this issue for you and maybe you should have friendships with your friends and seek out support from someone who will definitely have the capacity to focus on you and your issues.

@Turophilesthats what hoping for with a move. My kids are all supportive of it, more than I had expected and I have really supportive family there, I think I can make it work once I get through all the admin side.

@Justbrieme I don’t agree about the generational differences, my mother went through a separation and divorce from my father and was much supported by friends during that time and I saw her do similar for friends in tough times, lots of tea and chats in our house at various times when people in crisis, all while raising 6 kids on her own and caring for her elderly mother. I get your point, but I have always been conscious of not leaning on anyone too hard as I developed a lot of independence and resilience when my father left us, so that’s why I know I’ll be ok once I get through this difficult time

When I got divorced, all my friends disappeared. Over the years they split up and got divorced as well and then all of a sudden started reaching out again, wanting to 'catch up'. I didn't. I offered platitudes but always said I was too busy to meet up.

8yrs ago I moved counties alone, didn't know a soul. But I threw myself into hobbies and social groups and now I have more friends than I've ever had.

My advice? Be proactive! Get out there, talk to people and smile and be interested. It won't take you long! I'm 55 btw.

I also moved back to my home country when I divorced my British exh. I had spent 23 years abroad at that time. My kids were mid-late teens and they came with me as they wanted to move there anyway and my exh stayed in the UK. I was a bit worried that I had romanticised life in my home country but so far I have been back for 5 years and it has exceeded every expectation. I didn't have the friendship issues you have found yourself with now, but my friends where I lived in the UK didn't feel as meaningful as my friends and family relationships back did. I have made a lot more friends back home too since the move and both me and the kids, who are now adults, are thriving.

Somebody will probably come along and say that you can't escape your problems/wherever you are there you are etc. but I simply don't think that's true. Sometimes it is the location and who's in it that makes all the difference. Feeling rooted again also makes a huge difference. When I came back I had spent just over half my life abroad but this is definitely still my roots and where I belong.

I think that there has to be a balance, a new location isn't likely to bring out a whole new you but there is such a thing as being in the wrong place for you.

Is there any potential for a long trip first?

I still believe powerfully in the power of friendship. I think it's really important and I make time for friends sometimes (often) when I don't really feel like it. I think people who let friendships wither on the vine are inviting problems later in life.

But I think in mid-life being overly dependent on friends for emotional succour is just too much. People are so stressed, stretched an overwhelmed by their lives they don't have as much to give as when they are younger with fewer responsibilities.

The shape and cadence of friendship changes as we get older: we have to learn to adapt to it.

I see a lot of people on here who seem to want to project a young adult model of friendship onto middle aged lives (I'm not saying the OP is doing that, just that it's a bit of a syndrome at the moment). People expect their friends to be almost a surrogate partner and to take care of all their emotional needs and then get upset and angry when they aren't able to reciprocate exactly as expected.

There was a thread yesterday from a woman who was really upset because someone was responding to her messages with emojis and being advised to drop the friend.

It's all just too much for most people. Most of us are drained dry by our jobs, our kids, our marriages as it is, without having to also read the minds and cater for all the emotional needs of friends who make unrealistic demands.

That doesn't mean you drop people. It just means it has to be dialled down and approached in a more light touch way.

This is probably far more nuanced than I was able to put things in my post but yes this is my experience too.

I really think the demands on modern women mean that we have to adapt more than any previous generation.

I have a lot of friendships and very high quality friendships at 50 but they are very different to the types of friendships I could sustain even at 40.

OP, you sound lovely and not at all needy and I am really sorry this has happened to you. I seperated from my husband 10 years ago and most of the friends who were also my husbands friends (or whose husbands were) adapted and stayed close to me and cordial to my ex. It is entirely possible to do. One person let me down badly but in some ways it didn't surprise me - she is a 'path of least resistance' person in all aspects of her life so because her husband was friendly with my ex, she just switched tracks as such. She's not a bad person and in fact apologised since but she is somewhat lacking in character. It was hurtful at the time but I moved on and became closer to other people in time. Whether you even realise it or not, YOU are a different person too and the dynamics of lots of things shift - some good and some bad. That old life, including those friendship dynamics are ovet or at least substantially altered and you have to make a new life.

That’s really encouraging @RoachFish.

re Over expectation from friends, I don’t think expecting or hoping for some genuine contact beyond emojis over a 4 month period is expecting too much honestly, or for what was regular contact, maybe once every other week or so for a half hour coffee could be described as intense r over demanding and to have that pulled overnight seems unkind to me, and not something that I would do to a friend of 20odd years standing. We live 5 mins from each other. Over the last year or so I have revived my career, taken up new interests gym book club etc so it’s not as if I haven’t been getting on with my own life.

At this stage in life I certainly don’t expect the same types of friendship I had in my 20s 30s and 40s, I didn’t expect that and I didn’t have it.

But the 50year old version of friendship that I did have is gone overnight and I miss it.

Hi op its hard at our age isnt it. Im 53. I have a great friend for cinema theatre etc. I got rid of the catch up soon xx ones as they never committed. A choir is good. I go to cinema with few work girls I did have be pro active though.

That's completely fair and I do understand what an upheaval divorce can be (having been through it myself). It's very unsettling when long-term friendships fade and it can make one feel very isolated

I would just caution to keep in mind that this is still relatively fresh and things will settle.