To have binned all the pens

[CucumbersForMyCat]

My 13 year old is struggling at French lessons at school and was sad about this, so I paid for an app to help with learning French. I also set her up on Duolingo. She didn't use either. I explained that she asked for help, I got her the app and now she's not using it, and suggested that at do it together. She did it a bit but was really reluctant and grumpy. After a while she refused to do it and said it didn't help anyway. I said that her French is improving but it takes time, but she insisted it was useless. I was a bit annoyed that she was so ungrateful and said "fine do it yourself. I've tried, you don't want my help, so I'll cancel the subscription". She's now struggling again with French, but I'm not going to fight with her to learn.

Today she was doing her homework and needed coloring pens. I have a box of colouring pens that we've accumulated over the years and she was going through them choosing the ones she wanted. I asked her to bin any that she found that didn't work. She looked at the box with contempt and said that none of them work and they should all be binned. I don't keep this box of pens for me, I keep them for her and I feel that whatever I do for her is not good enough. So I picked up the entire box and chucked it in the bin. Most of the pens were fine and I'm so tired of the ridiculous untrue sweeping statements of how crap everything is.

She’s 13, you have to learn some patience otherwise you will be at loggerheads for the next 5 years! Teenagers are stroppy and ungrateful, they can be very loving too but you need to not lose your temper over a box of pens. Really you need to relax a little bit

Okay……..

Pit on her favourite films but set the language to French

Do you think she realises you don’t like her very much?

You are supposed to be the grown up who is able to control their emotions

YABU.

Also, she’s right - Duolingo won’t help with school level French.

13 year old is an ungrateful arsehole: news headline.

Come on now - you’re the grown-up: you don’t have to match her teenage behaviour.

I’m not sure why you think acting like a 13 year old yourself will help, but YABU anyway. You need to learn some patience and not act like a grumpy teenager yourself. How is she doing the homework with no colouring pens?

Languages aren't for everyone, any way she can drop it and do something more suitable?

You lost your temper, happens to the best of us!

Ok, you were right, I was childish. I've fished the pens out the bin and I'll colour in the poster for her as she's asleep now and she needs it tomorrow morning. I'm just worn down by trying so hard for her and it never being good enough.

She’s 13, you need to get used to it! And if you have a strop every time like you did with the app and the ones then you’ve only got yourself to blame for her attitude, as it’s the same as yours. She’s a massive ball of hormones, don’t you remember what that’s like? She’s not personally attacking you to piss you off.

Controlling one's emotions isn't what makes a grown up.

No. It pretty much is.

It sounds like you need to have alot more patience and to listen to her problems rather than always throwing ready made solutions at her. An app might not be what she needs to help her.

Can you sit down with her and help her with the homework? Even if you don’t speak the language you can usually work alot out from their text books etc

What about an actual tutor rather than an app if you can afford it?

Most of all I think you have to listen to her problems and not always try to solve them - or if you do try to help, do it in a way that’s targeted at what she’s saying, rather than just chucking an easy solution at her.

The pens thing is a bit odd tbh - why are you keeping all these non working ones rather than just keeping those that work?

My son’s school said this - not for most children anyway - maybe for really flexible thinking ones, but it approaches the subject in such a different way, it will be frustrating for most.

I think you have to be the bigger person.

Missed an opportunity to teach "la plume de ma tante est dans le bin" *

(OK, "les plumes de ma mėre", but you get the idea 😀)

What happened to role modeling the behaviour you want to see? Rather than behaving like a stroppy 13 year old?

Shes possibly projecting, she possibly thinks that she’s not good enough but it comes out as you not being good enough.

all behaviour is communication they say. Bare in mind her brain won’t be mature till aged 25

it might be that you're trying to solve issues when she actually just wants you to listen properly but not act to resolve things your way. What does she see the solution being? How would she like to sort things out? Are you taking over instead of empowering her to resolve things herself or her way with your help

Could you manage to take her for a weekend in Paris perhaps, to encourage the use of the language (and have a friendly time together)?

You would really benefit from some training in conflict resolution. I mean that genuinely.

You've only given us two examples here and in both of them, it was you who increased the conflict.

Your daughter came to you feeling stressed. You gave her one solution (out of many possibles - did you discuss different options with her?!), and then when the solution didn’t work for her you turned it into conflict.

Your daughter came to you with a request, you turned it into conflict.

You need to learn how to de-escalate otherwise you will find she distances herself and doesn’t come to you.

If you struggle one day making a roast dinner or pie n chips, do you want someone to buy you a cheffing course to train you up or do you just want someone to help peel some spuds to assist a bit.

What a shitty comment.