To have binned all the pens

[CucumbersForMyCat]

My 13 year old is struggling at French lessons at school and was sad about this, so I paid for an app to help with learning French. I also set her up on Duolingo. She didn't use either. I explained that she asked for help, I got her the app and now she's not using it, and suggested that at do it together. She did it a bit but was really reluctant and grumpy. After a while she refused to do it and said it didn't help anyway. I said that her French is improving but it takes time, but she insisted it was useless. I was a bit annoyed that she was so ungrateful and said "fine do it yourself. I've tried, you don't want my help, so I'll cancel the subscription". She's now struggling again with French, but I'm not going to fight with her to learn.

Today she was doing her homework and needed coloring pens. I have a box of colouring pens that we've accumulated over the years and she was going through them choosing the ones she wanted. I asked her to bin any that she found that didn't work. She looked at the box with contempt and said that none of them work and they should all be binned. I don't keep this box of pens for me, I keep them for her and I feel that whatever I do for her is not good enough. So I picked up the entire box and chucked it in the bin. Most of the pens were fine and I'm so tired of the ridiculous untrue sweeping statements of how crap everything is.

Please tell me you didn't volour the poster for her? That's just rewarding her strop.

You provided the tools, its her choice if she uses them or risks a detention from school.

This.

13 year olds can be so tough! Can you spend some time with her doing something you both enjoy, work at getting her to see you are hers and have her best interest at heart. Tell her what you’re really proud of her for in life - there must be somethings - and tell her you absolutely trust her to get where she needs to be in life. (Even if you find that concept hard right now!) And that you’re there for her whenever she needs your support.

it’s a move away from you deciding what she needs onto you helping and guiding her to decide what she needs.

People are giving you a hard time. It’s hard to always be the bigger person round teenagers all the time. It’s hard going. Just start afresh today

Book recommendation get out of my life by Suzanne Franks

I understand living with a teenager is hard, sometimes we need to be the ones who control our emotions as they are not great at controlling theirs.

Duolingo is a great app but it might not be the best for helping her with school French. I found using the app, it often jumped around between different topics and was hard to keep focus on it. It might have been confusing her if she already finds French hard.

This 100%. Come on OP.

YANBU, she sounds like a pain in the arse. She’ll have to manage the French on her own. I never got a single piece of help with schoolwork from my parents after about primary 3 and long division.

She provided the tools and then threw them in the bin after having a strop of her own, knowing it meant DD couldn’t do the homework. Apologising for having a strop is modelling good behaviour and starting the day fresh

If people could read, they’d see OP got her Duolingo AND paid for an app.

Exactly this. I live in Spain so have taken Spanish lessons. Duolingo is a game, not a serious teaching method.

She threw the tools in the bin!

God some of these comments no wonder so many kids grow up to be entitled little shits no use to man or beast. The kid was a brat to her mother who was only trying to help. It was her who said the pens should be binned. She’s 13, not 3. I bet she’s capable of not acting like a little shit in front of her pals, it’s just mum who gets it. If I’d talked to my mum like this a box of binned pens would be the least of my worries.

You're mirroring her anger and irritation rather than being a calm presence, role modelling how to handle it better.

That's the theory anyway - in reality, it's really hard on both sides - to be the teen who feels anxious, irritated at the world, at parents and also to be parent trying to help but just getting grief.

Step back, she didn't need you to solve her 'I'm bad at French' problem - or the pen issue. There are plenty of free French language resources and I'm sure she could use it she wanted - and she didn't want to.

She's throwing stress at you because she doesn't know what to do with it - don't take it and don't throw it back at her. I believe grey rock is meant to be helpful.

But I wasn't very good at it either - got better over time and children.

You definitely shouldn’t have coloured in her poster. If it really bothered her enough to complete her homework, there was nothing stopping her from retrieving the pens herself or asking you to do it. She’s a teenager and clearly at that point where she’s struggling to regulate her emotions. Her emotions are big. She hates the world. Everything is shit. You’re shit. Next door’s budgie is shit. But you need to take a step back and recognise that. Throwing the pens in the bin wasn’t a great idea, but I completely understand why you did it in the moment. She’s pushing all your buttons. I would say sorry for dumping the pens but let her know her she was unnecessarily rude. I don’t know about other teenagers, but my two absolutely hate having their rudeness pointed out. They stay defiant in the moment, but always apologise later. They’re good people underneath all the swirling emotions.

Excellent example of behaving like a silly child. But you’re supposed to be the adult.

You're the adult, so behave like one.

She’s a kid, likely hormonal, with the pressure of doing multiple different subjects and very little control of her own timetable. One subject that she is really struggling in. The anxiety is probably making her avoidant. I suppose you’ve never got frustrated and wanted to give up
on something?

She's 13. Being overdramatic and unreasonable is normal.

You are supposed to be an adult and modelling adult behaviour.

Your overreaction to the pens situations was stupid and immature.

You connecting this in amy way to her struggles with French is totally irrational.

Duolingo is an absolutely crap way to support a child learning a language for school. It doesn't teach the skills the child needs. It may help with a bit of conversational French sufficient to be able to speak a bit on holiday but will have absolutely no benefit to prepare for a French GCSE. Get a proper tutor with actual teaching experience (not just someone who knows how to speak French)

Not very mature. You need to be the grown up OP not another petulant teen. It is tiring when nothing is ever good enough but that won’t be forever. It’s a phase. She’s a teenager. Take the high road next time.

Be the adult

I was thinking exactly the same. If your 3 year old was throwing building blocks around, you'd take them away. This child was being pain in the arse so she learnt the consequences. There's nothing to stop her going into the bin and getting the pens.

Why is everyone excusing bad behaviour? She's a child misbehaving. She knows what she is doing.

She’s just a teen who doesn’t enjoy French so is being grumpy. Would you be able to offer the idea of a trip to Paris at spring half term/easter if she improves her grades?

Mum’s reaction is hair trigger touchy and personal though. That won’t help.

Duolingo does NOT help in learning a language. It can be fun for some people, but they don't improve their language skills, they only improve playing Duolingo.

Why are you also acting like a 13 year old? You should lead by example. Throwing a box of perfectly fine pens in the bin because your young teenage DD is being a brat is ridiculous behaviour, grow up. You also have a good 4-5 years of this crap to go, you need to find some resilience!

As a French speaker, Duolingo is rubbish. I
prefer apps like pimsleur. Also recommend watching TV/ films in French and listening to podcasts.