To worry about DS future because of this

[Sunshining20]

My 4 year oldS behaviour is breaking me. He is nearly 5. His violence and demands have been consistent daily since he was around 2.5. We have tried everything. Calm, gentle, ignore, punish, shouting etc. He has just started school. He is absolutely fine there but is repeatedly hitting and spitting at me if he doesn't get to do what he wants after school such as get an ice cream or go to the park. He does this all the time at home too.

Tonight at bedtime because I was sat on the wrong part bed of the bed with his brother he decided to start kicking and hitting me and I had to restrain him. His older brother who is the most placid and gentle kid has to witness this distress all the time. When I talk to him after he says things such as I like hitting people, I hate you, I am never sorry to you. My soul is being destroyed by all this. I don't know how to connect with him as his default is aggression when with his brother it is so much more organic I am kind to him and he is thankful and kind in return. I feel like I am a good mum to both of them so why does one of them treat me this way. He also says things about being dead and kill a lot too.

Are these early signs of future mental illness? School and nursery have never raised anything ever about his behaviour but I feel like I'm failing and fear for the future. Not only for him but for myself. Supporting him but also when he is bigger and can overpower me. He is already large and strong for his age.

Anyone have a child similar and have things got better? The internet searches just say he is still young and it is still behaviour in normal range? Please help. AIBU?

You should be worried! Has he been assessed? This is not normal behaviour. Sorry you are going through this.

Has he been assessed for any additional needs?
Has he had his hearing checked?
Is he overstimulated?

My DS was like a well behaved robot in school, then it all came out when he got home as that's his safe space and he was shattered and acted out.
It did get better after we sorted out his glue ear (he was in pain, couldn't hear, was tired and frsutrated, so was then delayed in speech and language and this made it worse and thus we saw the SALT team).
But we had support to help us!

Do you have any support around you (sons father and/ or partner / family and friends etc) OP?

You need support from school and also get him assessed.
ETA: Sending hugs 🫂
@Sunshining20

This sounds really tough but I think sometimes there’s an element of putting a brave face on all day at school and then coming home where you’re comfortable and taking it out on everyone there.

Have you tried to make sure he’s getting enough sleep? It really might be one of those things that gets better as he is better able to deal with the routine and expectations of school

He has not been assessed. Tempted to talk to school SENCO but want to give him a chance first to maybe improve he has only been there a week.

He gets a good solid 10 hours sleep a night.

His hearing is fine but he gets overstimulated and lashes out over the smallest thing. Not putting sock on right or can't do a zip he freaks out.

His dad is around and lives with us he is bad when he is here too but his behaviour does get worse when he is away on shift work.

But he's been that way for 1.5 years. I think you've given it plenty of chances to improve.

Yes this, this behaviour is not normal

True. I know it's awful but I don't want him to be judged there too as he is so good. I feel like if they know the behind the scenes of his behaviour there is no positive version of him. My husband thinks I should talk to them anyway.

I understand but the earlier you get support the better his outcomes are going to be. Don't let shame stop you from accessing help he clearly needs.

Thank you for being kind

So you want him to be judged by his behaviour instead

Sorry I don't understand your comment. I am sure my friends and family and strangers do judge him and me all the time.

Talk to the senco. They may not believe you if he is fine in school, but better to start the conversation asap. Assessments can take many years to get! If possible, covertly film some of his outbursts so you have evidence. Have you researched what you think it might be and looked at adapting your parenting? What works for child 1 is not necessarily the same.

Agree with this☝️
It's not about being judged but accessing the right support. 🫂

For instance... if your son was wheezy and ended up as asthmatic you would get him help and see a GP and get him on inhalers.
Same with if he wasn't eating properly or couldn't speak, you would get help.
This is no different. He needs some help.
He just needs some support and so do you.
That is nothing to be ashamed of @Sunshining20

Yes talk to the SENCO asap. He might be able to keep it together at school in which case his behaviour will escalate at home. It could be quite a lot of things but mainly I would look into and employ strategies that support kids with adhd and demand avoidance - not because he has those, who knows, but because the strategies might help.

Thanks for this. Is this type of behaviour ever not SEN? My husband just thinks I'm not strict enough. I have never seeked support before but I guess now is the time. Hopefully if no diagnosis we could at least get some parenting coaching or management skills?

What consequences does he get for his behaviour?

I think that’s so common - that people think it’s not being strict enough but Sen is complex.

Put boundaries in place and stick to them. Not strict-but certainly firm. Non negotiable: no hurting you or anyone else
Maybe look into physical holds that are non violent to protect yourself from him?

Time outs. TV ban. Toys taken away. Had an effect at first now he's not phased by it. If we have to restrain him when he is lashing out physically he starts to giggle

I think Senco is one place to start. I agree with other poster you need to do some investigating:

• Hearing test
• Eye sight test
• No processed foods for at least a month and keep a diary of mood/triggers. Don’t make it hard - just make notes on your phone.
• No tablet/phone time at all - limit tv to a movie.
• Start a routine that you do repeatedly when he gets home from school -

Small snack e.g. banana and some nuts, Greek yogurt and some fruit, carrot sticks and humus - and then ten minutes wrapped in a weighted blanket like a worm/ or deep pressure massage. Then he can play.

• Get him enrolled in Ruby tots (that kind of thing) Saturday football and/marshall arts, swimming - he needs much more physical exercise than most.

Get yourself to the local Send Parent cafe and allow yourself to meet other parents who are just like you and have had to go through all the same wondering like you.

If you follow my advice you are doing several things - creating balanced blood sugar within his body and providing opportunities for nervous system regulation through exercise and activating the parasympathetic nervous system through external pressure.

Also by getting his hearing and eyesight you are double checking pain/discomfort that is hard to verbalise.

Hm is he going through some feelings? ..could he feel he doesn't get as much attention? You say you don't know how to connect so could he be feeling the disconnect as children will show any upset and frustrations in bad behaviour.. I would concentrate on lots of one on one and praising good behaviour constantly

Yes, it may not be SEN and there could be many reasons for this (none of which are your fault) so it's important to get to the bottom of it.

Hi @Sunshining20 this sounds really hard. I do think talking to the school would be a good idea, they can look out for signs he might be struggling if they know the full picture. Have you ever spoken to anyone (gp, HV, nursery) before now? Almost 2 years is a long time to be living with such extreme behaviour.

My son is almost 7 and he was diagnosed autistic last year. He isn't aggressive/violent, but he is very anxious, particular (the "sat on the wrong bit of the bed" jumped out at me as something we've heard) he has issues with sensory things like fabric, sounds, smells, busy/chaotic environment and changes to routine and transitions etc.

He masks heavily in school and is basically another teacher (we're working on this!) but at home he needs to be able to go a bit crazy or chill - trampoline or park some days, telly and Lego other days. No after school clubs etc as he can't cope with them at the moment. He can have meltdowns where he'll trash his room (this is VERY rare now, thankfully) or say things like he wants to be adopted or wishes "wasn't alive" and it's heartbreaking but he doesn't mean it and usually within 10 minutes he's gone from furious to crying for me and hiding under his duvet. He knows on the occasions he does trash his room (he always goes to his room, it's his safest space) he has to help clear it up once everything has calmed down.

I think your son could benefit from some techniques for regulation/calming down. Breathing exercises, a folder/box with things to make him feel better (photos, squishy toys etc) having a space he can go to and feel safe, maybe a tent or heavy blanket. Recognising the feelings - not just saying "when you feel angry" but actually recognising WHAT getting angry itself feels like - my son learnt that when he starts feeling "hot and having tears" it means he needs some space or if his tummy feels "bubbly" or he feels "itchy" he might need help with something, if that makes sense?

This will take a while to actually show results, but we've seen a big improvement this year.

Thank you for this 💐 really need to hear some kind words tonight

Have you sought any support at all or have you just ignored this behaviour for two years? I don't understand why you've been so passive about all this. Is his father around? Has he sought support?

Some of this sounds similar. He will often trash his room on a time out. Thank you for the tips.