To worry about DS future because of this

[Sunshining20]

My 4 year oldS behaviour is breaking me. He is nearly 5. His violence and demands have been consistent daily since he was around 2.5. We have tried everything. Calm, gentle, ignore, punish, shouting etc. He has just started school. He is absolutely fine there but is repeatedly hitting and spitting at me if he doesn't get to do what he wants after school such as get an ice cream or go to the park. He does this all the time at home too.

Tonight at bedtime because I was sat on the wrong part bed of the bed with his brother he decided to start kicking and hitting me and I had to restrain him. His older brother who is the most placid and gentle kid has to witness this distress all the time. When I talk to him after he says things such as I like hitting people, I hate you, I am never sorry to you. My soul is being destroyed by all this. I don't know how to connect with him as his default is aggression when with his brother it is so much more organic I am kind to him and he is thankful and kind in return. I feel like I am a good mum to both of them so why does one of them treat me this way. He also says things about being dead and kill a lot too.

Are these early signs of future mental illness? School and nursery have never raised anything ever about his behaviour but I feel like I'm failing and fear for the future. Not only for him but for myself. Supporting him but also when he is bigger and can overpower me. He is already large and strong for his age.

Anyone have a child similar and have things got better? The internet searches just say he is still young and it is still behaviour in normal range? Please help. AIBU?

People jump to autism, but you’ve just listed a ton of real signs. I’ve been through the assessment for my DS and can tell you these are on the list. Personally, I’d keep a log of his activities at home to back up what you’re saying. Early intervention has been life changing for us, and if it is autism will help your son in the long run. If he’s doing it at home, chances are it will happen at school to another child or teacher and that’s something to get in front of now.

Worth looking into autism with pda traits
if the senco fobs you off look into approaching gp for assessment
joining groups like not fine in school will help with advice (sometimes children are exhausted by school and it all comes out once they’re safe at home)

This is so awful for you. I’m sorry you’re having such a hard time. Don’t worry about judgement. Get help from school, see your GP for referrals for your son’s behaviour. You will probably have to push and fight every step of the way because the system is so overwhelmed but do it for yourself and do it for him. Things will get better. The more help you can get, the better the outcome for all of you.