AIBU to let my adult nephew move in after rent rise from my sister?

[YearsOfLife]

My nephew is 24 and has been working full time for about a year after finishing university. When he first started working full time, my sister was charging him £500 per month to live with her and her partner. She has now told him he needs to pay £800 per month which he isn’t happy about as he is trying to save for a house deposit as well as having other costs and wanting to socialise. He spends a lot of time at work or with his girlfriend and friends so I do think £800 is a lot.

Our children are similar ages and my nephew has asked if he could live with us, paying £400 per month. We are happy for him to live here but it is causing a huge problem with my sister and her partner. They don’t think we should allow him to stay with us.

On the one hand I can see why my sister thinks we shouldn’t get involved, but on the other, he’s our nephew and an adult and if we’re happy for him to live here, he should be able to.

My sister has accused us of trying to make money from him which is untrue as we don’t charge our own children anything to live here and IF we take anything from our nephew, it won’t be £400 per month. This isn’t about money for us. I agree with my nephew that £800 is too much and want him to be able to have a life and save like my own children.

AIBU to say he can live here?

Already answered.

He is very lucky to have a caring aunt like you. There is no way he is causing anywhere close to £800 worth of bills at home to justify that sort of charge.

Could not have put it better myself.👍

Does she struggle financially or do you think her partner is applying pressure?
£800/m is a lot unless she was putting it aside with the intention of making a gift when he needs a deposit (as many parents do) but to charge that much when he is actively trying to save for a deposit seems a touch too far.
If she can't see that you are trying to help your nephew then it leads me to think even more that she is using him as a source of income, especially after all you have said about the relatively inexpensive cost of housing & feeding him.

At the end of the day you have to decide if this will permanently damage the relationship with your sister (and if so, do you care?) but from the information available, I would say she is definitely being unreasonable and if you can (and are willing to) help your nephew, I would do it.

800 is above the rent a room allowance rate. Feels too much to me and I don’t have kids.

You’re kind to offer. Would your kids be happy with him living with you?

Depends on many factors.
What does your nephew earn,what is the average room rental in the area,what are your sisters financial circumstances, are utilities included,have your sisters utility bills increased by your nephew?
Ask your sister the above before you decide if she is unreasonable.
Then decide if you think your nephew is hard done by and wether you want to have him live with you at the price you suggested.

A house share will cost him a lot and he and us would rather he saved more and lived with family. I will speak to my sister and see if she is willing to change her mind or make any compromises. Ty everyone.

She is worried she will lose the cash that he is currently giving her 🤣🤣🤣
Take him in. To heck with your greedy sister.

@YearsOfLife

It may be coming from her partner but I have no evidence of it as such. The only thing that makes me think it could be coming from him having thought about it, is that when talking to my nephew he’d been told he was earning almost as much as my sisters partner. I suppose her partner could think he should have to pay more because of that. My sisters earns a lot more though so if that is the case, it’s even more annoying that she’ll subsidise her partners living costs, but not her sons. As I said though, I have no evidence of that being the case.

I think her partner is jealous that your nephew earns almost as much as him. So he’s making a fuss.

Was it your nephews childhood home? Is your sister the homeowner? It sounds like she is the main wage in the house, so I am assuming her partner moved in with her.

Where is his Dad in all of this? Would there be any possibility of moving in with him?

YANBU & I think he just needs to leave her to it. She is prioritising her new partner & what he wants. I doubt this was her idea.

How much would he have to pay for a room in a house share or a flat on his own @YearsOfLife ?

Many young people are paying £800 a month in the south for a room in a house.

There are so many variables here.
The main one is the cost of housing in the area and how easily he can buy a home of his own. How many years will that take?

It's telling that you don't even consider whether the nephew might count as 'anyone' here. Family indeed!

It sounds to me like your sister, or perhaps her partner, or both, are seeing him as a bit of a cash cow! If he earns more than the partner, so what? He isn’t getting a stake in the house at the end of the day or any kind of tenancy even, he’s just paying board.

£800 seems ridiculous in these circumstances.

I think you should let him move in with you. He doesn’t sound like any bother, he sounds like a good kid who is trying to save for a deposit in the best way he can.

You sister’s attitude must be quite hurtful for him.

If you do it, put time limits on it. Eg. 6 months, and review after 3 months. Explain to him that it's because you don't want bad feeling with your sister. If needed, and he turns out to be more trouble than you'd expected, it also gives you a way out.

As the saying goes; You can choose your friends but not your family.

Sometimes a family member isn’t someone you’d choose as a friend.

It's a huge step to have adult 'kids' back home. I know he's your nephew but how well do you know him? Are your lifestyles compatible? How will he have a social life under your roof? Will he want his girlfriend to stay over?
Would you be comfortable with the lack of privacy you will have with him at home?
How will meals work- will he eat with you, do his own cooking, buy his own food?

I think you are not really thinking this through.

And how long will it take him to save to buy? How many years?
That's really important.
Are you talking 2 years or more like 10???

I also think your sister is being mean. There seems to be no real reason to charge him more. Is she trying to squeeze him out so he moves out into a house share?

I agree!

If I was op I would let the nephew live with me.

Why on earth does he have to pay for a house share the sister is the unreasonable one no one else

Where I am you can rent a whole 2 bed house with garden for £850!...so not much more!

I would, the sister is taking the piss, that's an awful amount to charge your child who's trying to save for a deposit

Even if your sister doesn't change her mind, you can still invite your nephew to live with you. He is an adult so you and your nephew do not need your sister's permission for this to happen.

She is treating him as a cash cow and obviously doesn't want to lose the income.

This is a difficult situation! IMO £800 is ridiculous! I guess ultimately it depends how much taking in your nephew will affect the relationship with your sister and if you're willing to shoulder any fallout.
Does this £800 demand fit with the sort of character your sister is?
I wonder if it's being pushed by sister's partner because he's secretly jealous/resentful of your nephew's present success and (hopefully) strong future prospects...

agree, also its not up to her to do all those things for a 25 yo man.

Agreed. On the other hand, getting involved could just cause lots of trouble. Cant he live with colleagues or friends?

My feeling is that your sister has a good income. Her partner could be saying that her son could afford to pay them more each month. By doing this he could be thinking it's time for her son to leave home.
Your sister is not saving money for her son towards leaving home either.

So your sister has decided to up his rent to £800 a month and thinks he is going to stay and pay this. Meanwhile you know what she is doing. You know that he is saving and he looks after himself. He cleans up after himself and he is not in the house always with his girlfriend.

I would ask your kids are they happy if he moves in with you. If they are happy I would let him move in with you but I would have some rule's. He can pay you say £400 pm, he pays for and cooks his own food and cleans up afterwards. I would decided before hand how often his girlfriend can stay over as you don't want her 24/7 in your home also.

Tell him that your willing to let him move in with you but it for x period of time to get his savings together to help buy house but it not to fund a nice lifestyle. Tell him it means no buying or changing cars, no expensive phones or tech items, no several holidays a year, no continuosly buying new clothes and expensive trainers.

Tell him if he does this he will be moving out of your home into private rental. The reality is that your giving him a chance to save hard say for x period of time and he needs to do this.

Your also going to have your sister unhappy with you but being honest she has no but herself to blame if he moves out of home.

The reality at the moment is that is hard to save and get a mortgage if you're paying a large amount of rent each month and if you're sister kept his rent low he could be out of her home sooner.

I'd let him stay. Your sister sounds controlling and unreasonable. I'd allow him to pay the £400 and put the excess (above his utility/food costs) away in a savings account for him. Do you have evidence that he is actively saving and not wasting it on nights out with his friends and gf?