Upset friend I am gutted.

[Highfivemum]

A bit of advice please as beginning to doubt myself. I have no relationship with any family except my DB. complicated and very hard childhood but me and DB are happy now and both in a good place. However we were contacted by a family member a few years ago. ( who we didn’t known but had done an online DNA test ). We both choose to ignore this person. Too much has happened and too many awful memories to even think about. We are both happy with our choice. However my friend who I would consider my best friend has started discussing our choices with her new partner. No idea why but he is very vocal and Opinionated in my mind and he has convinced her that we are wrong to dismiss a new family member. This has escalated to it becoming our only conversation and this morning I told her if she didn’t drop it she can’t forget our friendship. She has taken it hard. I feel awful. We have been friends for 15 years and it hurts so much. But my childhood was truly traumatic and she is just bringing it all up again. My DB agreed with me as she also was going on at him to. But was I being unreasonable

Depends if it's the first time you've told her to drop it, or if you have spelled it out more gently previously.
Ultimately though, it's none of her business.

Your friend is bang out of order for sticking her nose into your private business and discussing it with others.

You ate right to be very clear with her. Sounds like shes letting her bossy boyfriend influence her. Maybe take a couple of days for it all to cool down then call her to say you don't want to lose her as a friend, but you will no longer be discussing this particular situation, so can she forget about it.

Who the fuck does she think she is!!

She owes you a massive sincere apology and she can tell her DH to STFU as well.

Outrageous behaviour from both of them.

As a friend, she has the right to tell you why she feels something would be best for you. But not to keep going on about it-saying what she feels once is caring. After that, she should have dropped it. If it was something she felt really strongly about and you couldn't budge on, you need distance from each other.

She shouldn't be commenting on anyone's personal life
Is she aware in any small way of what your childhood was like?

If not and if you want to keep the friendship I would probably say give her some basic bare minimum details in the hope she would drop it
Not anything detailed or outing but more along the lines of you have no idea what we went through it was awful and I don't need you bringing it up ever again.

If she's aware of your childhood then I would say you are completely justified and I would have been mush harsher that you

You don’t want her to keep bringing up any talk of family because it’s traumatic, you are at a point in your life where you feel good so she is bang out of order. A good friend wouldn’t keep bringing up your trauma and banging on what she and her bf thinks you would do. You were being deliberately triggered so of course you got angry at her. Don’t apologise @Highfivemum this is on her and she needs to learn her opinions were being rammed down you and your DB’s throat

and bringing up pain that you’ve both put behind you. I think you said exactly what needed to be said and if you lose her as a friend then thats on her. Your days of putting up with abuse are over so give yourself a pat on the back for sticking up for yourself ❤️

It sounds like your friend is being influenced by her new partner 😔 it was maybe a bit harsh to tell her to drop it or the friendship is over - could you not have said that you have a lot of trauma from you family background and that you don't want to talk about this any more as you and your brother have made your decision and you're happy with it? Or had you already said this? It's a shame to lose a long standing friendship but maybe it's better that you have some space from each other for now.

I don’t think op should disclose her family trauma fully with this woman because it will be discussed with her partner. Her ‘friend’ should know there are certain subjects that are out of bounds when you’ve had an abusive childhood.

She knows the minimum. Obviously not the full details.

Thank you for your responses. We have been so close over the years and since she has been with him I have told her not to discuss my private life with him after she told me she had told him about the new found family. I think that’s wot upsets me most that she told him in the first place. She knew of the trauma that it caused when they appeared in my life. Although she does not know the full extent of of my childhood she witness how them appearing affected me. I feel let down and hurt. But regret upsetting her with my comment

I think some people are insensitive and just don’t understand that people need to move on from traumatic childhoods . You are not in the wrong

It's none of her business and it is most certainly none of her partner's business

It is entirely your decision. As a warning we had a relative (of someone who married into my family as a pensioner) who suddenly popped up when my relative died, had a good sniff round for inheritance then disappeared again. People don't always have the best intentions.

No not the first time. The last time I had to leave as I was so upset. I am not being dramatic but our childhood was unimaginable and yet she brought it up again.

About to say the same, it’s none of her business.

If I had a good friend who along with her brother had nothing to do with the rest of the family I would assume it must of been traumatic. I wouldn’t be prodding and prying nor giving my opinion on something I didn’t know the full story on.

It makes me feel quite sad that you could think that you’ve done something wrong.

Her telling her boyfriend and then bringing up what she thinks you should do in this situation repeatedly is not the behaviour of a good friend. You haven’t done anything wrong by telling her that is she doesn’t stop you can’t be friends with her anymore.

So am I right in thinking that this DNA family member isn’t related to your childhood but has just crawled out of the woodwork having done an Ancestry DNA or similar, but because of your relationship with your known family you’re not keen on entertaining getting in touch with them?

Not that I’m in any way suggesting you should, FWIW if some randomer crawled out of the woodwork off the back of a DNA test I’d tell them to do one as well, but it sounds as if your friend and her partner are leaning more towards accepting contact from this person because they’re an unknown family member, which is slightly different to encouraging you to get back in touch with the family from your childhood.

They’re still out of order, but there are a lot of people who seem to think that an unknown family member reaching out is something to be explored, and I am certain that if you posted here that you’d had contact off the back of a DNA test, without mentioning your childhood, there would be plenty of people on here who would encourage you to make contact.

You don’t have to have contact with this person, but equally they may have no involvement with the family in question, and have no idea of what kind of childhood you went through.

So I’d would make it clear that you’re not going to get in touch with them and that’s the end of it, but I’d think about whether you want to end a friendship off the back of it, because it doesn’t sound as if they’re wanting you to develop relationships with your abusers, just with an unknown family member who probably doesn’t even know anything about what you went through.

This.

She’s not your friend if she intentionally brings up something she knows upsets you deeply.

I totally understand why you said what you did. It was harsh but true. She’s purposefully dragging up trauma for you. She should be the one apologising.

Unmumsnetty hugs OP 💐

That’s the thing. It isn’t part of my life anymore so we have never spoke about it at great lengths. It seems to be all down to her new boyfriend. Who had a perfect life from what she has said. He believes that I should welcome this new family member with open arms n but it isn’t as simple
as that. Even talking about it brings up emotions that I have buried. I feel this is the end of the road for us and that is gutting

Meeting an unknown relative opens up old wounds because they will want to talk about the family and for OP she can’t and does not want to have to think about them let alone talk about them.

Yes ur right. We didn’t know this person. It was a couple of years ago. Totally unexpected as my DB and I do not have the same childhood names. Obviously due to our experiences. No way could I entertain anyone from my family. My DB and I literally went back ten years with our progress recovery etc. she knew this to which hurts even more.

It is gutting @Highfivemum because you have found out that a person you thought was a close friend is a nosy busy body who discussing your business with a new partner. Someone who doesn’t care about your feelings or upsetting you. You have to do what is best for you, for your wellbeing and live life without reminders.

Yes you’re right. That’s what hurts most and yet I feel bad for saying what I said