Upset friend I am gutted.

[Highfivemum]

A bit of advice please as beginning to doubt myself. I have no relationship with any family except my DB. complicated and very hard childhood but me and DB are happy now and both in a good place. However we were contacted by a family member a few years ago. ( who we didn’t known but had done an online DNA test ). We both choose to ignore this person. Too much has happened and too many awful memories to even think about. We are both happy with our choice. However my friend who I would consider my best friend has started discussing our choices with her new partner. No idea why but he is very vocal and Opinionated in my mind and he has convinced her that we are wrong to dismiss a new family member. This has escalated to it becoming our only conversation and this morning I told her if she didn’t drop it she can’t forget our friendship. She has taken it hard. I feel awful. We have been friends for 15 years and it hurts so much. But my childhood was truly traumatic and she is just bringing it all up again. My DB agreed with me as she also was going on at him to. But was I being unreasonable

In that case you are not unreasonable at all. Sorry she's being such a dick.

Take care of yourself OP
Your friend should not have discussed this with her bf.
You have every right to be upset.
Treasure your life now and your relationship with your brother.

"As a friend she has a right"

No. No she does not.

You really really shouldn't feel bad and really.don't need to apologise to her.
She should be apologising to you and telling you she doing share your personal info with her interfering boyfriend any more.
You should be really.proud of yourself and your brother for getting to a good place.now despite your childhood, please dont let her bring you down

Please don't feel bad, she's the one who should feel bad. She doesn't sound like a genuine friend. 💐

You feel bad because you told her the truth, you had walked away from her before because she had upset you by bringing it up again. This time you were angry because she had ignored your previous attempts to get her to drop the subject.

None of her feckin business

Thank you for your kind comments. I probably feel bad as she reacted badly which reply gutted me as a love her friendship. I have struggled making friends and now feel very alone although I know I have my DH and DB. DB just said if I hadn’t have said something then he would have done.

She’s treating your life like it’s a soap opera.

OP you are absolutely right that she had no right to tell anyone else. It was at least thoughtless and at worst vile. I am leaning towards vile because she won;t let it go.
Its evident that you trusted her much more than she deserved.
This is not any kind of victim blame but gentle advice because I got caught out in the same way but with something way less painful and unpleasant. Guard yourself. Be very careful who you confide in.
last thing is painful too. You may have thought she was a friend. She never was.

Send her a message saying you don’t want to lose her, but the way you reacted shows how strongly you feel about dropping the subject. Ask if you can move on and start afresh. You appreciate she has her views but at the end of the day, you are doing what is right for you and you hope she understands that and it’s best you avoid the subject in the future as you really can’t cope with it being bought up thereby reliving your awful past.

See how she responds and determine where you go after that.

Why did you have DNA on a public site if you didn’t want to meet family and it would retraumatise you?

I've never discussed my traumatic upbringing outside immediate family and then not all of it. My brother's and I are badly scarred in different ways.

@Highfivemum you did nothing wrong.

Your friends boyfriend on the other hand 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 I hope she's not too committed.

Stupid mistake when we were younger. Totally regret it

OP, I'm so sorry that someone you trusted has overstepped so badly.

Please don't for a moment feel bad about what you said to her, obviously your DB felt the same about her keep bringing it up. You never know, she might think about it for a couple of days and realise how much she values the friendship, and get in touch with hopefully a heartfelt apology, not only for interfering in your private life, but also for sharing your confidences with her boyfriend. She knew that you didn't want to have contact with this new relative, and therefore if she wanted to discuss it with anyone, she should have asked you how you felt about it, but instead she used your situation as a way of making conversation with her new partner. Clearly she doesn't have enough of a life herself to keep the conversation going, if she has to resort to other people's private lives.

If she doesn't come back and apologise profusely, then while it obviously hurts, she's not the friend you thought she was, so don't waste any tears on her, as she's really not worth it.

I don't understand why she'd react that badly rather than just apologise. You're not the unreasonable one OP.

I’m so sorry, but she isn’t a friend

Friends don’t push things like that. She sounds completely wrapped up with this BF, who sounds like an utter dick

It’s ok to be angry that she was stepping repeatedly over your boundaries that keep you feeling safe. Her reaction was because someone stood up to her and she didn’t like it. You did nothing wrong and it is sad when you find out someone isn’t the person you thought they were. You’ve come such a long way and have those close to you who are trustworthy with your heart .

None of her business, of course she should give her opinion (if you asked/discussed it with her), but sounds like way beyond that she should not be trying to push you to a different decsion.

This is nonsense. OP had a clear boundary, was distressed talking about it and made her feelings on the subject very clear.

that should have been the end. This explaining away nonsense is patronising and irrelevant.

OP this lady is not your friend.

I suspect that this might have something to do with the boyfriends own background. There might be something about your story that is similar to his which makes him think he's entitled to an opinion. In reality, it's absolutely none of his business and the two of them need to butt out and respect your privacy.

Your friend is using your trauma to suck up to her new boyfriend.

Good friends don’t behave this way.

She may have had her head turned, but I wouldn’t run after her.

I know it sounds sick and I’m not sure about writing this but it sounds like she thrives on the secondhand drama, that she treats you and your DB’s trauma as a good “story” to gossip about to her boyfriend . I’d be concerned that she has told other people as well. Telling you and your DB how you should be reacting, who the hell does she think she is, and as for her boyfriend I’d be telling him to fuck right off. She not your friend and I’m so sorry that she has let you down so badly, but if it were me the friendship would be over.

I think just text her and say:

I am sorry we argued. I was upset. You were upset. But I do still want to be friends. Can we just put it behind us and move on? x x x

There still needs to be boundaries - I would alter this to

I am sorry we argued. I was upset. You were upset. I do still want to be friends, but I cannot and will not discuss this DNA match - it is deeply upsetting for me. I would love us to still be friends. Can we draw a line under this and move on? x x x