AIBU to think the toll fine was not equally my responsibility?

[ReturnoftheMe]

Scenario

My partner (MP) of almost one year and I went on a holiday which we split between 2 (for the most part)
I have 2 kids and he has 1, but we decided to split the cost of the holiday and spending money down the middle.

On the way to the airport, MP mentioned to my son that the tunnel we go through has a toll (£4) and said, "I need to remember to pay that"...I asked him how it is paid, and he said through his account that he has registered. We leave the conversation there. At the time, I thought, at some point he will log in a pay the toll, but we both completely forgot. I don't drive and never have, so anything pertaining to the car doesn't really come across my mind by habit.

On the way home from the holiday a week later, he remembered the toll, but by then he said we would have incurred a fine of £90. I immediately took my phone to see if I could log in a pay, but he said I should try his phone instead. I didnt manage to get into his account because he had 5 of them, and in the dark while driving it didnt seem like the best plan to keep putting the phone up to his face to log into them and see which one worked. I told him either way, I would pay half once he managed to log in at home. I offered straight away to pay half as I felt guilty and sad that he'd got the fine, especially as he is self employed and misses a week of work to go on holiday.

He logged in at some point in time and paid the fine. I have no idea which day because we don't live together. We were talking about other financial things a day or so later via text, and he asked if I'd pay the fine from my Revo bank and I said, I will do it later via Barclays. However, that morning I forgot to do so. It 100% was just an oversight on my part due to be busy.

7 days later, he messages me to say...

"Do you have a problem with paying for half that fine?

Do you think it should be my responsibility because it’s technically “my car”?!"

I wrote...

"I don’t think I should be expected to pay it.
I’d only pay it because I offered to, out of feeling guilty that it was down to our family holiday that you got it. And also because you were so upset, I offered to pay half of it due to how it seemed to sting you at the time.

I don’t feel a responsibility to pay it, because it’s not my car and I am not attuned to all those tolls. It’s not on my mind.

So short answer is, I wanted to pay half to a) account for it being a holiday for us all and b) knowing how upset you were about it, upset me. So I wanted to help.

I didn’t send the money yet, because I actually forgot about it.

But I will do it now"

He said that my response has changed the way he views me as a woman, and that I am not the type of person he wants to be in a relationship with because I should be taking the responsibility of paying the initial toll, as he was driving and too distracted after to do it. My push back was to say that the toll was not my responsibility, we each had separate and shared responsibilities pertaining to the holiday, but I trusted that he would take care of the toll and didnt need my input, despite trying to help.

Is he being unreasonable or am I? He proceeded to call me, shout and me and call me a few names because he believes I should concede and take responsibility DESPITE me paying half the fine (sent the money last night) he still believes I am a wicked person (his own words) for not being willing to accept the responsibility was OURS.

You both realised he'd get a £90 fine.

You offered to pay half. You didn't pay.

He asked if you'd send over the money,
you said you'd do it that night.. You didn't pay.

He asked a week later if there was a problem you paying it.. and instead of saying you forgot.. You said you didn't think you should have to pay it!

I'd be pissed off too to be fair, you should have been honest from he start rather than drag your feet and make it awkward, which then led to an argument.

All the other stuff sounds like red flag alcoholic behaviour though, so I'll call time on it for that alone.

You should pay half of the fine. One of your children got a subsidised holiday. The outcome though is ridiculous and I would think carefully about continuing this relationship.,

I think I will tell him I'd like to call it a day, but I did this a few weeks ago when he screamed at shouted at me because I pulled him up about some drunken antics at a wedding while the father of the bride was speaking. I told him in a whisper and a quick pinch of the arm that he was shouting and laughing with his pal while the father of the bride was making a heartfelt speech. The slight pinch was because I was trying to signal him to pay attention to the speech but is his inebriated state, he just blanked me. Once the speech was over, there were still some guests there and he began to lay into me because I corrected his behaviour. I walked away from him and went to our room (we were staying onsite), and he refused to let me go back alone, he followed me and shouted at me for about 30 mins. Again despite me remaining calm, strategically not to escalate things further, he couldn't be calmed down. The following day he did apologise profusely, but he actually didnt really recall half of what happened, be blacked a lot of it out. Anyways, I wanted to end the relationship then but he said he'd worked on arguing while drinking and said he wasn't allowing me to end the relationship.

Very upsettingly, these drunken arguments aside, he is the most kind, fun and enjoyable partner I have ever had. He is very nice to my kids and they really like him, my whole family does.
These drunk arguments are completely opposite to what he is like sober. The difference is staggering and actually I haven't told anyone in real life because it is so polar opposite to what he is like day to day.

Today he has already messaged to say he has a lot to explain, and I think he'll probably talk his way out of this and expect me to stay with him. It is tempting to because this behaviour when drinking is the only thing I can fault him on really,

I know I should end it because he is volatile. I just need to grow a pair and consider what his outburst could lead to in the future where my kids are concerned.

So he’s driven used his car and paid more than his fair share

there’s far to much info the top and bottom of it is you’d say you’d pay then didn’t
I presume he’s had some follow up regarding the fine that you’d said you’d pay

tbh having driven my car and paid for 1/2 of one of your kids I’d be pissed off if you were kicking off about £45

Poo I hit unreasonable as I was scrolling through you are Not being unreasonable. Any man that speaks like that to a women is not worth it

Just end it, this relationship is not good.

and you should not be trying to control an adult's behaviour at a wedding - you walk away from that adult and disassociate yourself from him not go pinching him.

End it.

He is an abusive drink anyway

you can do better.

I think you should ignore comments about whether you should or should not pay half. You have paid half and the matter should be considered dealt with.

Because it's not about the money. It's about the insults he called you.

He spoke to me like I was an animal and I am not sure where all that anger could be stemming from. The insults used were wicked, asshole, dumb, idiot, bipolar, crazy, mentally unstable, liar, lazy, all in one convo. I asked him to refrain for shouting and berating me multiple times, but he carried on.

This is a huge red flag. He cannot control his temper and he berated you using words that he probably thinks about you. You said you were frightened. This is another huge red flag.

Then you say that you clean for him and you are buying him things he is short of or things he needs.

When you assert your independence and are happy to travel by train, he insists on picking you up and driving you.

I am concerned that you are actually in a coercively controlled relationship and he is just showing his controlling and abusive behaviour. I think you should leave the relationship for your own safety. Maybe make a Clare's law request to the local police. Stay safe.

I now see how he just thought my intention was never to pay. However, we have seen each other since the initial ask about which bank to send it to. We spent all of Sunday together and had a beautiful day, so he could have mentioned it then (not saying it was up to him to remind me)... he knows how forgetful I am these days about everything AND I am always forthcoming with splitting things in general, so it is shocking got me that he is so angry about it, when really he had paid the fine already so, all he needed to do was say, "I've paid the fine, do you mind sending your half over".. it is not like he was waiting on my money to pay it.

Anyways there is a deeper problem behind his anger and the connection with alcohol, so really, that is was I have to sort out and decide whether or not I can continue

He’s said clearly you’re not the type of woman he wants to be in a relationship with. Whether that’s because of the toll or perhaps other things that came to light on the holiday - only you can comment. But personally I wouldn’t waste any more time with someone who said that to me.

FWIW I would’ve sorted the toll payment out on his behalf. Anyone can log in and pay these tolls, it’s easy enough to do. And if I’d forgot I would’ve gone halves without a second thought. But that’s just me.

He wouldn’t ALLOW you to end the relationship- and he said this while sober. OMFG.

Just reflect on that.

He sounds manipulative as well as not having the grace to take responsibility for his muck-up, which of course we all know is pretty much nothing, just one of those things. This, with the name calling, the telling you he doesn't see you in the same light anymore in response to you sticking up for yourself is poor poor behaviour. Nah, he's more trouble than he is worth imo.

Sorry OP, nobody ever wants to hear it but he doesn't sound like a man to spend your life with. Could you imagine spending your life, every single time a tiny thing goes wrong, listening to him calling you names, judging you, scaring you, trying to make you feel crap?

It's gone beyond who should have responsibility for the fine. I wouldn't want someone who ranted like this and called me names around me and my kids. You need to call it a day.

Your responses are quite bitter to be honest. And it’s not really kind is it calling single women “spinsters”? We can be better than that.

@SandyHappyPerson Yes, correct. However, going down that line, she should then give him a bill for the weekly cleaning she does at his house (so he is not paying for a cleaner, or goodness forbid worrying about doing it himself). She should add onto that the bill for the basics she buys weekly to keep his house stocked. I’m guessing it would come out that he ‘owes’ her a LOT more than she owes him for half of the fine.

I’d just call him a complete cunt and be rid of him pronto frankly.

I would send him the other half of the money. Not that I believe that you should have to. Then I would dump him..

It is a cheap price to pay to be rid of him. No way would i put up with this kind of nonense. His issue/s are bigger than a toil fine. You will have a lucky escape.

OF COURSE you cannot continue this relationship op. You have found out he has a huge anger problem. You have children. Utterly and totally non negotiable

THAT is who you have your children around?

Are they safe?

If he tells you he has it sorted, I don’t think you’re responsible for the fine when he forgot. You should be able to trust someone to take responsibility for the things they say they will. Everyone makes mistakes and forgets things so he’s not an idiot or anything, but it’s literally nothing to do with you when he told you he was handling it.

The name calling and aggression would have me dumping him regardless of anything else. Even if you were completely to blame for the fine (and you’re not) no one decent speaks to other human beings like that, nevermind ones they allegedly care for.

Why are you cleaning for him? He’s a grown up! This is how women start being down trodden and taken advantage of. Have some respect for yourself, you’re not his mother or slave. probs my part of the reason he spoke to you like shit too

Dump him.

He's got a serious drink problem and needs to deal with it, not argue about details of your arguments.

He's not a kind, fun and enjoyable partner if he corners you in your room and shouts at you for half an hour because he's pissed.

His behaviour when he's had a drink is enough for you to dump him.

You don't want your kids to see him drunkenly shouting (and maybe taking things further) at their mum.

💐

edited because "enjoyable" only has ONE O. 🤦🏻‍♀️

I don't think you were responsible for the fine and he's clearly smarting that he got it and is trying to blame someone else because he fucked up.

I hate the whole "it's not your responsibility because you don't drive but you're happy to benefit from the person that does drive" bullshit mentality. No one owes you anything because you can drive and do drive. They don't become equally responsible for your driving. The driver is responsible for paying tolls, fines, parking tickets, damn you're responsible for your passengers wearing their seatbelts.

He's the driver, he needed to pay his toll. He could have asked you for half the money, but it was his responsibility to get it paid. He could have ASKED you to pay it while he was driving but he didn't. He said he would do it, he didn't.

I got a ticket by following my mum's directions down a bus only road. Didn't occur to me to ask her to contribute, it was my error and my name on the fine.

I think no matter the different opinions on the fine situation, one thing every single person is in agreement with is that the bloke sounds like an abusive tinderbox.

OP no one deserves the tirade you got. It doesn’t matter about the finer details of the fine. It’s never ever acceptable to speak like that. Not that it matters as the damage is done, but I’m curious to know what his attitude has been like since? Has he apologised, has he accepted responsibility for his outburst? Even if he has, please don’t let this slide. It’s 100% a sign of things to come. You deserve to be with someone who speaks respectfully and treats you well. My love language is acts of service. I enjoy helping my current partner out when he’s stressed for time and working long hours etc. but if he ever spoke to me badly like that it would be done. No question. I lived through abuse for a decade and will never let myself fall into that pit ever again. Bottom line is… you seem selfless and do things for him to make his life easier, you’re clearly a lovely girlfriend. A fall out over a fine isn’t the problem. Forgetting to pay the fine isn’t the problem. The way he spoke to you is, and that isn’t something that you should forget or paper over. It’s a clear indication of how things will be in the future. I guarantee it will happen in front of your kids at some point. Don’t let it get to that point. You and your family deserve better.

Oh and even if it was your fault. His reaction is completely unacceptable. We got a fine for Humber bridge both ways, I said I would pay it while DH was driving. I went on the website. I could swear I'd paid it, but I clearly hadn't. DH said "ah that's frustrating" and paid it.

It doesn't matter what you did. No man should ever behave like that.

You havnt been together long enough for this anger to spill out when he is sober yet, that's why he is so different when he hasnt had a drink. Just wait until he feels secure and gets his feet firmly under the table.

A non agreesive person will not turn into an agreesive person after a few drinks. It isn't just the state of your life to think of, staying with him is putting your kids lives at risk playing with fire.

And any suggestions he might come up with (giving up drink or anger management) don't buy it. It is unlikely he will stick with it long term. Sticking with a partner needing those measures is for people who have been together years (decades) and a long history of no issues to begin with.

In your case it is just the red flags that should make you walk away. If not for your sake then for the kids