AIBU to think the toll fine was not equally my responsibility?

[ReturnoftheMe]

Scenario

My partner (MP) of almost one year and I went on a holiday which we split between 2 (for the most part)
I have 2 kids and he has 1, but we decided to split the cost of the holiday and spending money down the middle.

On the way to the airport, MP mentioned to my son that the tunnel we go through has a toll (£4) and said, "I need to remember to pay that"...I asked him how it is paid, and he said through his account that he has registered. We leave the conversation there. At the time, I thought, at some point he will log in a pay the toll, but we both completely forgot. I don't drive and never have, so anything pertaining to the car doesn't really come across my mind by habit.

On the way home from the holiday a week later, he remembered the toll, but by then he said we would have incurred a fine of £90. I immediately took my phone to see if I could log in a pay, but he said I should try his phone instead. I didnt manage to get into his account because he had 5 of them, and in the dark while driving it didnt seem like the best plan to keep putting the phone up to his face to log into them and see which one worked. I told him either way, I would pay half once he managed to log in at home. I offered straight away to pay half as I felt guilty and sad that he'd got the fine, especially as he is self employed and misses a week of work to go on holiday.

He logged in at some point in time and paid the fine. I have no idea which day because we don't live together. We were talking about other financial things a day or so later via text, and he asked if I'd pay the fine from my Revo bank and I said, I will do it later via Barclays. However, that morning I forgot to do so. It 100% was just an oversight on my part due to be busy.

7 days later, he messages me to say...

"Do you have a problem with paying for half that fine?

Do you think it should be my responsibility because it’s technically “my car”?!"

I wrote...

"I don’t think I should be expected to pay it.
I’d only pay it because I offered to, out of feeling guilty that it was down to our family holiday that you got it. And also because you were so upset, I offered to pay half of it due to how it seemed to sting you at the time.

I don’t feel a responsibility to pay it, because it’s not my car and I am not attuned to all those tolls. It’s not on my mind.

So short answer is, I wanted to pay half to a) account for it being a holiday for us all and b) knowing how upset you were about it, upset me. So I wanted to help.

I didn’t send the money yet, because I actually forgot about it.

But I will do it now"

He said that my response has changed the way he views me as a woman, and that I am not the type of person he wants to be in a relationship with because I should be taking the responsibility of paying the initial toll, as he was driving and too distracted after to do it. My push back was to say that the toll was not my responsibility, we each had separate and shared responsibilities pertaining to the holiday, but I trusted that he would take care of the toll and didnt need my input, despite trying to help.

Is he being unreasonable or am I? He proceeded to call me, shout and me and call me a few names because he believes I should concede and take responsibility DESPITE me paying half the fine (sent the money last night) he still believes I am a wicked person (his own words) for not being willing to accept the responsibility was OURS.

Not sure what your issue with me and why you are desperately defending someone else’s choice, let them do that if they want to. At least have the courage of your convictions and call me a liar, but of course that is frowned upon by MN. I’m bowing out now so feel free to carry on insulting posters without me.

I don’t know why he had to involve you at all. His car, his account. Fair enough in theory that you split the original toll fee but it was £4 and a man checking that you will transfer £2 to make sure things are even is just ick city and beyond tight. He actually said out loud he needs to pay it so any fine incurred after that is totally on him. It’s embarrassing that he chased you for the payment as when you offered to pay half he should have said “no please don’t, it’s my fault as I forgot to pay it” Instead he turns into some sort of angry loan shark. Get rid.

"On the way to the airport, MP mentioned to my son that the tunnel we go through has a toll (£4) and said, "I need to remember to pay that"...I asked him how it is paid, and he said through his account that he has registered."

He has a registered account and he said he needed to remember to pay. I'd think this was his responsibility.

However once you said you would transfer it you should have transferred it. Its a bit shit to promise something and then kick back when you don't deliver.

Its also mad of him to say it has changed his view of you as a woman due to this - very OTT

I did apolgise over and over again for forgetting to pay. I hate forgetting to come through with money for anything. I do forget more things than usual these days but that is my fault because I have so much on my plate. I started setting reminders for things, but for this I didn't, so I assume the full responsibility for forgetting. Especially as I 100% didnt want him to pay it alone.

Regarding the holiday, you're probably right, I should have objected the split the holiday in half and insisted it was split by 5. He didnt want to split by each child at the time of booking, he said he was happy to split, but clearly I now see it is because he didnt want to "upset me".. which it wouldn't have, but now the resentment is showing.

Either way, his blow up last night was very scary, and I am happy it wasn't in person because the anger was out of control.

Classic non driver behaviour from you OP to be honest, happy to benefit from being chauffeured around but not willing to do any of the admin or stump up the cost for not doing so. I’d also be very unimpressed if I was him.

However his language is unhinged, seems your better off apart and I agree taking your kids away together after being together only a year is not great parenting.

Doesn't sound like a happy relationship - no matter who was going to pay the toll.

I'd get out now- too much drama over paying a toll.

None of this is sounding good @ReturnoftheMe ! A man slagging off his exes isn't a good sign either. That either means he picks really badly or he is a tight arse and in his head sees them all as taking advantage of him. Sounds like he is trying to put you in that category now too.

Why are you apologising over and over again for not paying his fine? I don't get it! NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY.

If I were you, I would be seriously considering if this man was worthy of my time and effort.

He should have paid the fee because he said he would, then you should have contributed to the fine because you said you would, but that's a minor point.

The major point is his weird scorched earth approach to your relationship and aggression over this- that's the deal breaker.

What's this about him having 5 accounts? That and not being set up to pay the toll automatically smacks of chaotic finances which would be another reason to throw this one back in the sea if you're having your doubts.

The 'underlying reason' is that he is a complete twat.
There is no reason to speak to anyone in the manner he has to you.

He sounds very unpleasant and I wouldn't want someone like that around my children. They, and you, would be better off without him.

On the one hand I think you should have just paid half and said "Sorry, I totally forgot, doing it now" rather than giving a long convoluted message about the morality of it.

On the other, his response is absolutely mad and ridiculous (calling you wicked??) and is a sign that you need to get out of this relationship.

What the actual...? For a misunderstanding over a toll payment to go to talk of wickedness in zero to one hundred means you've got bigger problems than who paid what. He sounds a bit unhinged (from your description) and not someone I'd want to be around (or to be around my kids).

He sounds like a nasty piece of work and you have seen it now.

This is not a man to have around your children and you need to seriously wake up to that.

His car, 100% his responsibility to pay it.

He could ask for a contribution after he had paid but his car is his responsibility.

You have seen how nasty he is with alcohol.
Take this as the relationship over.

Anything else is you putting an abusive man ahead of your children.
Sorry if that is harsh but you need to really sit with the fact you are glad it wasn't in person.

Why are you cleaning his house?
Stay out of it and work on your self respect.
Skivvying for a partner in their home is not good.

You deserve better, your children certainly do.

Angry drunken men are the worst.
He has shown you who he really is, and its ugly.

If anything it should alert you to the way many men think. If he was on his own in the car, he'd have nobody to blame but himself. You were there and he automatically assumes you as the woman should 'think for him'. He'd as soon blame you for missing a doctor's appointments (that he probably would also get you to book) and for pretty much anything mental load wise that he should be keeping his own tally of.

OP don’t get too hung up on barbed comments about you going on holiday after a year. No one knows your situation but you. I got hung out to dry on a different thread for NOT introducing the kids to my boyfriend of almost two years. Mumsnet produces nasty barbs no matter the question. Take the constructive advice and leave the rest behind. The main thing here is that you’ve seen his true colours. These won’t change. It’s a shock I can imagine. I married a guy who seemed amazing. We dated for two years, got engaged and then married two years after that, so it wasn’t a flash wedding. Alcohol became a factor and he became extremely abusive. I’ve only just managed to get out. You’ve been together for a year, you aren’t tied to him financially, he is showing you who he is. Listen to that. No one ever deserves to be belittled in that way. It will get worse. Once is too many times. Forget the fine. That’s irrelevant. This is about something else now. Sending hugs x

A lot going on here!

Legally, he is responsible for the fine.

Morally, it’s whatever you two agreed (The post is so long and rambling I sort of lost track of what you both did after as it seemed to keep changing!)

He is absolutely in the wrong for calling you all those names and I would be prepared to end things over that.

But honestly, you both sound a bit hopeless! Paying a toll and/ or the fine in good time if you did miss it is not difficult! It’s the work of a moment and shouldn’t involve a partner reminding you multiple times on either of your part.

Having five accounts, some of which work and some don’t, is ridiculous on his part. As is saying “I was too distracted” - he wasn’t distracted forever!

Equally you saying “I’m not attuned to those kind of tolls” is equally ridiculous- there’s nothing to be attuned to, it’s just something that needs to be done.

So you’re both a bit unreasonable re the toll itself but he is more at fault afterwards because his attitude to you is awful.

I think you need to concentrate on you and your children. They've had enough disruption in their lives already.

His reaction was certainly totally over the top. He clearly dwelled on it for 7 days, slowly becoming more and more convinced that you had lied and had no intention to pay and the message you sent was the nail in the coffin.

That's why open and honest face to face communication is so important. It should have been a 20 second conversation. Instead it went on for 7 days, a long unnecessary email and verbal abuse!

How have people totally lost the mean to communicate and have started to turn everything into drama?

It is his responsibility. But what has irked him is you said you would pay when you got home and didn’t.
You don’t sound very well suited if you cannot work through a thing like this and are just looking at it in a who is to blame way. And I think your semi formal message has put him off you.

He proceeded to call me, shout and me and call me a few names because he believes I should concede and take responsibility DESPITE me paying half the fine (sent the money last night) he still believes I am a wicked person (his own words) for not being willing to accept the responsibility was OURS

Dump and block.
It was his responsibility as driver to make sure he paid the toll.
You were right to offer to pay half of the fine, especially as he had subsidized you and your children by splitting the holiday 50:50.
You also should have paid promptly.
But the way he reacted to you not paying promptly tells you everything you need to know about him. There is no need for shouting or name calling. There is also no need for you to take joint responsibility for the toll not being paid in the first place. He's the driver so those are things he is responsible for, just as making sure he had enough petrol in the car was.
This incident has shown you who he is and that you are not compatible. Bin him off, block him so he can't bother you any more with this shite and move on.

As far as I am concerned, the fine is your partner's responsibility, @ReturnoftheMe, because he forgot to pay the toll. It was kind of you to offer to pay half.

However, I think that is all irrelevant, due to his massive overreaction and, frankly, abusive behaviour towards you. That is unacceptable, and you should not have to put up with that sort of abuse. Do you really want to carry on a relationship with someone who acts like this?

The fine is irrelevant and it doesn't really matter who pays it - it's not a large amount. More worrying is the fact that this is such a big deal between you - if you both feel the need to squabble about it, what does that say about your relationship?

I think this has gone beyond the original AIBU (which I agree with you on BTW - YANBU).

His angry and aggressive shouting and name calling at you, if 100% unacceptable.

What's also alarming is that this is still a new relationship, and already you're his free cleaner and he's hurling nasty and cruel insults at you? Nah, you've seen the real him now. If you don't end this relationship now, you'll regret it.

You both forgot after it being mentioned so I’d definitely pay half, as despite him being the driver you were all using the car to go on holiday. He could have been funny about paying half for the holiday despite having one less child but didn’t. I’d apologies and say the text caught you off guard.

OP, please stop beating yourself up.

It was his car and his responsibility to pay the toll. He has no right to be angry about something he also didn't sort out. It was kind of you to offer half the fine, but not an obligation. In the same way I wouldn't expect you to pay half his raised insurance premium if he got into an accident while you were a passenger.

I also have to wonder if he really did pay 50/50 on holiday given all the expensive things you listed in your reply (e.g. in-flight food), or if he just sees it that way.

He can act like you're taking advantage of him all he likes, but the fact is, a man who fights you over £45 not sent quickly enough is not anything like a reasonable adult.