To think my relationship is over after DH said I’m not seductive?

[ListenBuddy]

DH is constantly falling asleep around 9pm after drinking. We barely have any time together and we used to have sex often but because of his sleeping pattern it’s reduced significantly.

I caught him messaging an “acquaintance” from college where he failed to mention he was married (but mentioned a lot of other stuff). He told me this was for “nostalgia”. nothing sexual in those messages but that’s where I noticed a big change. she lives in Australia so no chance of meeting up but still.

I am fed up and said there’s a lack of intimacy. He told me that he spends “all his time” with me and has reduced his drinking for me. Then said he cooked me a meal on our anniversary (but left after an hour to go the gym).

he asked what intimacy I wanted, it felt embarrassing to say I want to feel wanted by you.

he then said I don’t ever do anything romantic for him, and that I’m “not seductive”.

when I said this was hurtful he said that romantic and seductive are the same thing. But then said he would expect me to be playful and welcome him home from the gym?

I’ve already told him the messages made me feel insecure and unattractive… and now I feel like I’m not exciting enough for him.

how do I even move passed a comment like that?

Why would you want to? He’s a heavy drinker who falls asleep at 9pm and messages other women.

You deserve far better!

Why is this all on you to make him feel better into giving you crumbs of affection?

The affection thing is a bit of a red herring imo, the messaging for 'nostalgia' is wildly inappropriate and needs to end.

Sounds like you both want more sex, but want the other to initiate it? I’m not sure that’s a big problem tbh.

You want to feel wanted by him initiating intimacy/letting you know he wants to have sex with you. He wants to feel like you’re keen to have sex and (for example) you could initiate when he gets back from the gym.

Aren’t you really saying the same thing?

I mean I haven’t seen these messages. If they crossed a line for you then fair enough to reconsider the relationship, but I don’t see a big difference between what you’re saying you want and what he’s saying he wants?

I didn’t say to him “you’re not intimate enough”, I said there was a lack of intimacy between us. His response was “YOURE not seductive”

so there’s a lack of intimacy because I’m not seductive enough

when I asked him what he meant he said read a book on seduction?

OP - you seem to be making this all about you, as if sexual intimacy is one way.
He said the same thing you are saying about him, only in different words.
Both of you are describing a relationship that fell into a rut, at least where sex is concerned.

You can blame your insecurity about yourself on the messages. But usually - insecurity is internally based, and you then use any excuse to justify it. Non-sexual catch-up messages to someone he knew from uni, who lives on the other side of the world - are really not a huge issue. And if I reach out to a long ago acquaintance - I also won't start with my marital status, as it's my personal life.

So - maybe have an honest conversation with him re sex? Or, even better - initiate before 9pm and go from there? Sometimes when rut happens - it helps making small steps to start getting out of it. And eventually you two may.

The thing that stands out above anything else in your post is the drinking. How often does he drink?

But he said exactly what you did. You said in your first post that you told him that you want to feel wanted by him. He's saying the same thing - he wants to feel that you desire him.You can't blame him for feeling like you do.

maybe it’s that you don’t want to seduce him? He sounds like a gym and booze bore. No wonder you’re not welcoming him home with a BJ.

He sounds like a bit of a twat. However... I do think the sex issue goes both ways and you're expecting him to do all the initiating to take the lead, without putting that same effort in yourself.

To be honest, I think you both sound very unhappy. I'd be inclined to try relationship counselling to work through the question of whether it's worth staying together.

I think romantic and seductive do mean the same thing to a lot of people: the romantic dinner date with champagne and roses is a prelude to the seduction that you’re both expecting to happen afterwards, it’s all part of the same dance.

But if you’re too embarrassed to tell him that you want him to initiate sex then it’s going to be hard to have a real conversation about this.

It does sound like you’re both in a rut, and if you want things to improve you both need to start to get back to the old intimacy. He’s told you what he wants and would help him, can you get over your awkwardness and tell him honestly what would help you? Or would you rather give up on the marriage?

Not knowing your husband I can't be totally sure if he meant it in this context but I agree with this previous poster. I can imagine a lot of men saying the same. You said we don't have sex enough and his response was I'm surprised you're saying that since you don't initiate anything!

Also - wanted to say that it is not uncommon for couple to struggle with intimacy after being together for a while. And both sides need to work on maintaining that drive. There is a book that talks about it - if it's something you want to explore - "Mating in Captivity" -

Your role in life is not to be seductive for his benefit.

Tell him to stop drinking.

This.

‘read a book on being seductive’?! Fuck off!

I think he's saying that he is bored and doesn't see why he should make any effort to improve your marriage. You need to think about what you want. Counselling together? Separation ? Playing at seducing him? Telling him you are fed up with his graceless, selfish attitude? It's your choice.

Communication is poor; he's saying random-seeming things and you don't know how to interpret them or act on them (and he won't elaborate), and you're frustrated that he doesn't know what you want but are also afraid of speaking more plainly. Are you happy overall, are you in love with him, do you trust him, do you see a good future with him/genuinely want this to continue? Did the two of you previously communicate well and generally meet each other's needs but now it feels like something's changed or gone wrong?

IF you feel that the relationship WAS sound but has somehow gone off track, I think couples counselling COULD potentially help IF you both are willing to go and to put in the time and effort to take it seriously and work at it. It could help the two of you communicate more clearly and cut out some of the embarrassment, uncertainty, and deflection ("read a book...") and holding you both accountable for making progress. But if you don't trust him (the Australia thing seems to be bothering you a lot) and can't see the two of you rebuilding trust, the relationship is probably a lost cause.

Also worth considering: his comment that he cut back on his drinking "for you". It seems like a potential issue if he's not interested in cutting back or stopping for himself (which is the only option if he's a problem drinker) and that he's making you solely responsible for shared issues. "YOU'RE not seductive" as a response to "WE have a problem with intimacy" could be another example of that. He may also have things that he feels are "red flags" about you and your role in the relationship. Is it worth the effort and (emotional) risk to get all of these out in the open and address them, or not?

Let this be a wake up call to how low your self esteem has plummeted by being with this man.
He puts no effort into you. Prefers wanking over some unattainable women across the world, than the one who loves him in front of him.
He's pathetic.
He's cruel too by turning your plea for attention into a n opportunity to kick you further down.

Stand up tall OP. He's disrespectful and cruel. It's not you, it's him x

It sounds as if he has been watching way too much porn. He also sounds like an annoying idiot.

If you can be bothered, then couples therapy might help. But also it's fine to end relationships if you want to. It does sound tedious.

Another man blaming the woman for his behaviour. He is being spiteful to hurt you because he knows he was having an emotional affair.
He doesn't sound like a catch falling asleep on the sofa, drinking.
Imagine the life you could have without this to look after.

It sounds like you have both got into a rut and are resenting each other.
if you both want to fix this it will take effort on both parts and to be able to actually talk to the other person. If you can’t do that then you won’t resolve it and it’s not worth carrying on.
but if you both want to talk openly about why you are in this position and make changes then you could work through it.
I think either you both make time to try and talk, do things together and make changes or just call it day.
this will mean you being able to explain that you don’t feel wanted and also that his drinking and falling asleep is an issue, but also take on board that he also feels that you aren’t interested.

He is just throwing out defensive crap

Why does he drink every evening?

If he’s as OP describes then I wouldn’t be arsed about ‘seduction’. Too much effort for too little reward. Being single is so much easier than what a lot of women on this site put up with. A vibrator doesn’t give you half the aggro, and since you only have to tidy up after yourself and have more peace you’ll still have enough energy left over to spend on ‘seduction’ if someone worth it comes along.

So he's a piss head who falls asleep by 9pm and wants a medal for cooking you an anniversary meal, even though he then buggered off to the gym. I'd change the bloody locks not be looking for more sex with him.