@ListenBuddy I think there is a big difference between romance and seduction and that he is confusing the two.
Romance is emotional connection. It’s tenderness, thoughtfulness, shared time, feeling valued, feeling seen. It’s him wanting to be close to you, choosing you, making space for you. Seduction is sexual signalling. It’s playfulness, flirtation, physical invitation, erotic energy. They overlap sometimes, but they are not the same thing. You can have romance without seduction (a loving anniversary dinner). You can have seduction without romance (a quick sexual advance with no emotional closeness).
When he says “romantic and seductive are the same thing”, he’s not describing reality - he’s describing his own narrow definition of intimacy, which seems to revolve around you performing desire rather than him showing affection.
His comment stings because it’s not just unkind, it’s revealing. From what you say, He’s drinking to the point he’s unconscious by 9pm, withdrawing from shared time, messaging another woman without mentioning he’s married, minimising your feelings, shifting blame onto you (“you’re not seductive”), redefining intimacy as something you must perform for him, ignoring the emotional intimacy you’re actually asking for, You’re saying: “I want to feel wanted.” He’s replying: “You’re not seductive enough.”
Those are not equivalent. One is about connection. The other is about performance.
His behaviour suggests avoidance, escapism through alcohol, emotional withdrawal, defensiveness when confronted, a desire for validation from outside the relationship, a tendency to blame rather than reflect and the “welcome him home from the gym” comment? That’s not intimacy, that’s him wanting an ego boost. You’re not asking for anything unreasonable. You’re asking for partnership.
You don’t “get over” it by trying to be more seductive. You get past it by recognising it wasn’t a fair or accurate criticism.
The real conversation is what does intimacy mean to each of you? Who withdrew first int he romance stakes? Why is he drinking so much? Why is he seeking nostalgic attention from someone else? Why is he defensive instead of reflective? What does he think partnership looks like? And what do you need to feel secure and valued? And crucially are you both willing to do the emotional work?
Because right now, from how you have writtenthis, he’s asking you to perform desire while he contributes very little to the emotional foundation that makes desire possible.
Romance is connection. Seduction is sexual energy. He’s using the second to avoid dealing with the first. And you’re absolutely right to feel hurt - not because you’re “not exciting enough”, but because he could be dodging the real issue and placing the responsibility for intimacy entirely on you. Only you know if that is true.