@ListenBuddy
Hello lovely, I've just come across this thread and I absolutely have to comment, so apologies for the long reply.
Firstly though, I really hope you're doing okay. Your partner has made some really hurtful comments that would make literally anyone else feel undesired and unwanted, so I can only imagine how you feel 😔
It's odd that he would go out of his way to contact someone that he knew from (presumably) a long time ago and not mention his marriage, but did mention lots of other stuff. Why wouldn't he? I do understand catching up with an old friend/acquaintance and wanting to see how they're getting on, that's quite a normal thing, but that doesn't sound like what you've described per se. Not mentioning your wife is, at best, a bit odd.
I feel like it's quite normal for the sex in long term relationships/marriages to slow down a little. Life gets in the way, stuff happens, we're human and sometimes we get tired, BUT again, that's not what you're describing at all.
Your partner being a chronic drinker and falling asleep so early in the evening definitely doesn't open the door for a lot of romance or intimacy.
Not to mention, he is hardly making you feel wanted or desired, so I'd wager that he probably doesn't even make you feel attractive or sexy either, right?
"Spending all of your time" with someone isn't always conducive to romance or intimacy either. In fact, in some relationships, lack of quality time together or very little personal time spent apart, can sometimes start to feel a bit roommate/friendship-esque.
Also:
- Reduced his drinking for you? Odd. That kind of implies that he has no real interest in stopping or reducing the amount he's drinking, and is only doing so, begrudgingly, because of you. Huge red flag.
- Cooking a meal for your significant other on your anniversary is quite a low bar, honestly. That's the bare minimum. I cook at least once a week for my partner, not for any special reason or occasion, just because we live together, and I love taking care of him. Do you usually make dinner for the two of you?
Please don't embarrassed about being honest about your wants and needs in your relationship, not only because that's what your DH needs to hear, but he clearly has no problem with telling you how he feels...
I'm glad to hear that you've been honest and told him that what he's said is hurtful, but I feel like this definitely needs a further conversation. Does he do anything romantic for you? Does he make a marked effort to seduce you? I'm going to guess that it's an emphatic "no".
Also, romantic and seductive aren't the same thing at all, you can be romantic without sex being involved, and you can certainly have sex or seduce someone without romance being involved too.
And to answer your final question "how do I even move passed a comment like that?", who knows, how do you? Do you feel able to have an open and honest dialogue with him about all of this? Can you really sit there and be honest about how he's making you feel, and more importantly, is he mature enough to listen to you, and come to a mutually agreeable outcome that works for the both of you? Is he able to understand that a relationship requires work from both parties?
I know I'm a total stranger, but if you ever need a chat, DM me anytime ❤️