I should always be welcome in DP's home, regardless of who's there - AIBU?

[SecretsAndLies77]

I will try to not make this too long, but also not drip feed. Please help me distinguish reasonable actions from my own emotions because, to put it simply, everything's at stake.

Been with DP for 4 years and, on the whole, it's a very loving relationship. He's good to me and my kids, fun to be around, reliable and helpful, contributes financially to my household. We don't live together but spend much (most) of the week at each other's homes (although more mine than his), as well as every weekend and holidays.

At the same time, it's been a turbulent relationship (I know that sounds odd after what I've just said, but it can be both good and turbulent, as it's about very defined areas of problems, i.e. one problem = his adult daughters). I have a good relationship with his youngest DD (early 20s) who lives with him, but his eldest (30) who lives away doesn't want to have anything to do with me. At times she's been really rude to me and various members of my family. Most recent example is a message she sent where she was incredibly rude and disrespectful (before blocking me, so I couldn't even respond - a coward's move, IMO). My DP did reprimand her, sort of, via text and heavily prompted by me, which I hate as I don't think it's my job to stand up for this relationship and my dignity, but his. I think left to his own devices he would just always avoid all conflict. He is very scared she will cut him out of his life.

I feel I've come to the end with being able to accept that he doesn't stand up for me of his own free will, and that when he sees her he doesn't feel a shred of annoyance, resentment or anger about the awful ways she's behaved. I understand we all love our children, and I understand he's scared of losing her. I'm not even saying that he should necessarily show her that he's upset about her bad behaviour, but simply that he should feel something for me, the way she's treated me (in other words, show ME - show some kind of outrage, empathy, solidarity). If someone mistreated my DP, even if it was my kids, I'd be pretty livid. I know people are different, and I know men and women can be very different in their emotional processing. But still. How can it be true that he loves me, but that he doesn't feel anything when someone repeatedly hurts me?

The other thing is that, when she comes to stay at his, although at all other times I'm (more than) welcome in his house, there's an expectation that I won't come while she's there. Now, I get that it's her former home, she still has a room there. But, at all other times, I have complete access to his house, not just that but he's even repeatedly hosted friends of mine for long weekends (because the house is big and has spare rooms and bathrooms), but when his daughter is there, the quiet understanding is that I'm not welcome. But, just as an example, we're spending Xmas at mine this year and he of course invited her too. I knew she would say no, but that's not the point. So, she's meant to be always welcome in my house, but I'm not only not welcome at family events, but also my own partner's house when she's there? It strikes me as very unfair and unreasonable.

I've been living with this for a while, and this morning I woke up and thought, I don't know if I love him any more. This has seriously eroded my feelings for him. It's a huge shame, as four years is a lot of time together and he's amazing in many ways and I love(d) him possibly more than any other man before him, including my ex husband. But this continued unfairness and indignity has eaten away at the core of our connection.

YABU - this is a reasonable compromise in a complicated family dynamic because parents will always put their children first, even when they're nearly 30, and most women would find a way to live with this, even if it hurts them

YANBU - this is a major breach of love and loyalty towards me on his side, and if he's not prepared to let her know that his home is always open to me, I should walk away even after 4 years together.

Can I just say (if you're read this far), if you're not divorced and in a relationship with a man who's got adult kids, you won't have any kind of realistic perspective on a situation of this kind. I'm looking for some thoughtful and considered responses based in first hand experience of these kinds of dynamics - thank you (and I'll disregard any responses that are rude or unkind, as often I see "pile ons" when it comes to these kinds of questions)

Well it is true in so far that they do not get along with each other. Why that is, we don't know. OP won't divulge what this recent message to her said, and there might be a reason for that. Neither of that is relevant though, nobody can make them get along. If her DP wants to have a close relationship with his DD and OP he will have to spend time with them separately. He cannot force them to be nice to each other, regardless of who is at fault, if any or both.

It would be completely understandable if OP didn't want that to be her future, I know I would hate all the drama, but that is the situation she is in.

Yep, a couple of occasions a year - one of which has involved DP inviting DD to OP’s home this Christmas. Do you really think it’s the sign of an equitable relationship when OP would have hosted DD in the knowledge that any Christmas at her DP’s means she will have to stay away ? I don’t know anyone who wouldn’t resent that !!
You can't compare Christmas with any random dates that are now agreed in advance, don't be ridiculous!

In any case it's a mute point if neither of them want to be in eachother's presence.

If both were prepared to make an effort for Xmas, then it's obvious that either OP accepts her in her house or Xmas takes place at his!

I suspect OP said she wanted to do it at her place this year hence his assuming both his daughters would be welcome.

Wonder what happened the last 3 xmases!

Actually what OP said was An honest question: would you have had the expectation that I have (I've not said this out loud, but deep down this is what I'm feeling), which is that if she doesn't want to "allow me" in his house - which isn't hers to allow or not allow anything - then they should be meeting in a restaurant for lunch? It's not necessarily that I want to be at the house when she's there (in fact I don't - I've no desire to see her) but I struggle very much with this idea that, on the whim of someone who doesn't even live there, my kids and I aren't welcome while she's there (but the next day we're back there for dinner?!) It's a question of principle.*

She was posing a question and giving her reasoning, not suggesting that this is actually what he should do. She was exploring the principle that the decision to ‘allow’ her in his house was her partners’, not his DD’s to dictate, and that if she wasn’t comfortable with OP being there, lunch in a restaurant was an alternative.

Similarly she hasn’t suggested that DD should stay with her mum. She was answering a question from another poster and actually said I'm not literally saying I expect that, or would ask for that, or that he should necessarily do that. I was - I don't know - venting frustration, expressing a secret fantasy where she doesn't use his house any more and stays with her mother instead, as she's done many times over the last year.

Very different from considering actually asking for those things.

That’s the second time you’ve accused me of that. I can only refer you back to my previous posts where I pulled you up on significant information - some of which OP actually directed at you - that you missed. If the only response you can give is to insult, then I won’t be engaging further.

And I'll repeat the same... OP wrote 'recent example is a message she sent. Not she sent TO ME!

That could meant sent to her , although most people would indeed type a message she sent ME OR....she sent a message to her dad, he showed it to OP or OP read it on his phone, she is pissed off, she wants to respond directly, but the daughter has told her dad she was blocking her, or OP found out when she did type a response.

See, we don't know the destination of the message referred to. Got it?

Jesus that’s a reach. So DD sent an insulting message via her dad’s phone and then blocked OP ? The simple fact is that DD sent the message directly to OP and blocked her before she could reply. It’s clear. She even messaged you to answer your question and said the message had been sent directly to her.

Whats a ‘mute point’ please ? My reading comprehension skills aren’t up to that !!

Why would I?

No, he certainly can't dictate, but I should have thought that there could be a conversation?

Can I just say (if you're read this far), if you're not divorced and in a relationship with a man who's got adult kids, you won't have any kind of realistic perspective on a situation of this kind. I'm looking for some thoughtful and considered responses based in first hand experience of these kinds of dynamics - thank you (and I'll disregard any responses that are rude or unkind, as often I see "pile ons" when it comes to these kinds of questions)

Team Daughter.

Are you ok, maybe you need to take a break, I don’t think I’ve ever seen someone lash out and fight like it was their thread like this, you’re more upset than the op.

Yes I get it, she’s expressing her thoughts. But these thoughts reveal someone who isn’t thinking about building bridges and is thinking about the ways in which she could or even ought to be prioritised over the DD. Just as the DD’s actions as described indicate she is also thinking of her own wishes.

These things create an impression that neither of these adult women are keen to change the relationship in order to make things easier for their DF/DP.

Is it? I don’t think we can conclude that. Surely after four years where you’ve only met 6/7 times you just accept it. I’d have thought any flashpoint would be earlier - eg when the DD would ask DP to cancel plans with OP. It seems odd that after four years you’d suddenly think ‘I want access to his house 365 days a year even though we mainly stay at my house all week’.

I suspect the older daughter is judging her for being in a relationship with the much older father and taking his money , feels like the op gets a monthly allowance and I suspect it’s much larger than what it costs when he visits.

and the op is furious about it,and so competing to come first with the father.

I suspect if we knew their ages and how much money he gives her It would reveal another side to this.

I think there’s probably some truth to this and the OP knows it which is why she’s pretty silent on that. I can’t say I’ve ever been in a relationship where someone gives me money to prove their commitment, and my kids benefit from it even though they have their own dad.

Regardless of age, that’s a bit weird to me. And then there’s that he anticipates being lonely when younger DD goes and wants OP to move in. If he’s close to his DDs it seems possible the older one has picked up on some of this, or he’s told her (why wouldn’t he, if it’s all so normal and above board).

Personally if I was the DD I’d have made it my job to befriend the OP and keep a close eye on her. Maybe that’s what the younger DD is doing.

Lots of people have a key to my house, it doesn't not mean they can turn up whenever they like - especially if I have made it clear they're not welcome when my kids are here.
You don't live together, he's not doing anything wrong is asking you not to come certain times + it's his house.

Yes, I think you are spot on.

The fact that OP is so enraged that the DD "dictates" when she can and can't be there says a lot too. Especially as she thinks she has the right to be there anytime she wants to. It's neither of theirs house. Why does neither of them think that the DP/dad should be able to decide who comes to his home and when? It's bizarre how their pissing contest has basically stripped him of any autonomy.

Exactly she is 30 years old and adult enough to have some respect for her fathers partner even if for some reason she does not like her. There is no need to be rude to someone on social media then block them so they have no right of reply or opportunity to ask why. Also she expects to be invited into OPs home but won't let OP into her dad's when she is there. Is her relationship with her father so fragile that he can't speak to her about it in case she rejects him. Yes children come first but she is not a child she is an adult who is being manipulative.

I really don't know why people get into these sorts of situations and then when the problem is obvious stay in them.

Bottom line is you can't force someone to like you. Why would you stay around in this situation? If you are despearate for a partner, there are billions of men on the planet who will come without this upset.

Parents will always pick their children. His daughter has a problem with you.

You have two choices one is put up with it but why should you ? you could have a relationship with someone whose adult kids think you are the greatest thing to happen to their dad. The other is leave.

You won't be able to change the situation and long term it will cause carnage. It's like people who marry when they know the in-laws can't stand them. You know these people will be the parents of your partner and the grandparents of your children for ever so why give yourself problems. There are other people .

Life is short. Enjoy yours by making choices to put you into a happy situation not one that comes with a stressful repeat battle you can't win and is miserable for you, for him and for the daughter too.

Err....why is everyone condoning a grown arsed woman of 30 years of age despicable attitude to another woman, also rude to her family!!! Just WTF people? Is the 30 year old stamping her ickle feet because Daddy has someone else special to him. She's behaving like a child.
I couldn't accept, nor would I put up with her behaviour, and if my partner also couldn't address her attention seeking nonsense, he too can fuck off. He sounds like part of the problem and it is not one for you to fix. Time to let go of this one, but by the sounds of it, you're almost there and then brat wins

I'm not sure OP. I'm wondering what his or her side of the story would be. On the face of it I agree he shouldn't stop you from coming over as she's 30(?) and this implies he agrees with her rather than you but I'm sure she has a view on why she doesn't like you and maybe he just wants his daughter to feel comfortable.

If you've genuinely don't nothing wrong and you're fair to her then I think he's wrong but you've also said you don't love him so just tell him you're out.

People are making guesses about the situation now which might or might not be true, it’s all conjecture. What does come over clearly from your posts though is that you want your partner to take a firm line with his daughter even if it damages their relationship. It’s not kind to him at all and puts him in a difficult spot.
You’re stamping your feet and competing with her in a not very mature way.
Is it really that important that you have to stay out of the way on the odd occasion.
You don’t seem to want to improve things.
What was the nasty message and why was it sent?

Yep. Don’t disagree with that at all.

Op has also said that DP spends most of his time at her home - 5/6 nights per week. I don’t think this is a monthly allowance - it’s more paying his way. Is it not the case that me who stay and don’t pay are cocklodgers ? OP says it’s not significant sum so this is just conjecture.