Stop gaslighting yourselves, secrecy with devices is abnormal

[somewhereovertherainbow26]

About 25 years ago, the internet started creating a whole new set of problems for relationships, when it suddenly became possible for people to be secretive and sneaky in ways they simply could not have been before.

For the vast majority of human history it's been totally standard to be obvious about communicating with others.

Until very recently, to communicate you either phoned on a landline and had to run the gauntlet of whoever might answer the phone, you wrote them a letter which could quite easily be seen arriving on the doormat, you knocked on their front door, or you went somewhere and met them, which meant you had to physically go out of your way to keep it secret.

But somehow over the last 15 or 20 years some have been massively gaslighted into believing that secrecy is somehow a normal and healthy part of a relationship.

It's not.

There are a core few women on this site who will instantly jump in and tell you being secretive with devices is just privacy.

It's not. It's a very new issue and it's not remotely normal.

These people are very much in the minority, but they are mouthy and quick to jump on any OP discussing their discovery of abuse by their husband/partner through messages/emails.

You must learn to totally ignore them, don't feed the fantasy that it's normal to be sly. Don't even response to their interrogation, just as you would ignore anybody who tells you to accept abuse and tries to victim blame you.

You don't have to just meekly accept this bizarre gaslighting as standard.

We have complete access to each other's devices, just like nearly everyone past the age of 21, and we very rarely use that access, but of course we can. Because that's normal when you are living together and sharing your life.

If someone is saying that you are somehow just as bad as your cheating, abusive partner because you checked their phone, they are lying to you. If they are claiming looking at someone's device is abuse they are lying to you.

They themselves are secretive and sly, or they have been very badly gaslit.

And no need at all to mention coercive control, that's a completely different issue and you are definitely not worried about that at all. You're just trying to deflect.

We're talking about normal relationships, where deliberately hiding access to devices is sly, it's secrecy and it's a big problem. It's not normal.

If your response to someone exposing their partner for cheating or abusing them through messages is to immediately ask how they managed to access those messages, then congratulations, you have basically outed yourself as either a cheater or an abuser - or you need to reassess the level of gaslighting you have internalised.

Make ignoring these ridiculous questions the norm and absolutely ignore these attempts to derail and cover up abusive behaviour. Get back to normalising reality.

It's normal, standard and fine to look at your husband/wife/partner's devices.

Only cheaters, liars and those who've been gaslit could possibly believe otherwise.

And no, you don't think I'm coercive or abusive. And if you claim you do, you're projecting.

So, no chance of organising that secret special surprise for your partner ...ever ?

What a bonkers post.

No one knows my phone password and I don’t know DH’s ( don’t know if anyone else has it). I don’t know the DCs’ although we have a rule that if I ask to see their unlocked phone they need to hand it over- have never actually had cause to do this.

Also I implore people whose DHs know their phone code to at least have a different password on their banking apps ( 2 factor no use if someone knows your phone code). They could just go in, pay themselves all your money and the bank won’t do anything because you breached their security protocols- as far as they’re concerned you made the payment.

And you can’t gaslight yourself 😂

GasLIT, not lighted ffs

I don't want my husband or friends knowing I go on MN!!! 😂

I don't want them to see that I've been trawling internet shopping or eBay for new clothes when I don't need them.

I don't want them to see which daft videos I've been wasting time watching!

There are lots of non-sinister reasons why your device should be private. Cheaterz gonna cheat, as they say - being able to have access to your partner's phone won't stop that.

I totally agree OP - if you’re in a honest relationship with someone, it’s normal to know their passcodes and have access to their devices if you need it. In my view, it’s not right to abuse that by going to read their messages etc but it would be weird to me, if my partner had devices that I didn’t know passcodes for. Why the secrecy?

Exactly- they’ll just get a burner

I'm going to report this as AI-generated spam.

Go away.

It was always very common for women to have some 'secret' money either cash or a PO account that their husband didn't know about it was a family safety net that couldn't be squandered.

You don't think people had private conversations at work or in the street that their partners were unaware of? If you are talking about cheating that could always happened in the past too. It might be easier with the internet (but the cheaters still have to physically meet) but there were always ways and means.

Is my DH even interested in who I talk to online? I'm certainly not interested in his model railway online buddies.

I never look at my husbands phone , however, I could if I wanted to, the same as he could look at mine but doesn’t. We both know each others PIN numbers and I’ll use his to look something up if mine is in another room charging and vice versa.
If he suddenly started getting very ‘private’ about his phone, I would be very suspicious. I do agree that anyone who tells you it’s perfectly normal to restrict access to their phone is probably hiding something.

Nobody should be sharing PINs or passwords, not even to their spouse. I'll hand over my unlocked phone to show a photo or funny message or something, but no one is getting my PIN.

I work in IT and I seem to spend my life telling people there not to tell me their passwords. It's just basic security.

Oh dear, by your standard, my locked phone with a pin my partner doesn't know (and I don't know his) means I am sly and keeping secrets?

I am doing neither for what it's worth.

I am entitled to privacy on a device I am paying for. Also if people message me, what if they are sharing sensitive things about themselves to me? Don't my friends deserve privacy for things they share?

Think it depends on whether you view your partner as a separate individual or as an extension of yourself.

We aren't in amongst one another's phones...we're not a fusion of two people who share access to everything. Think most couples are the same.

I have just never bothered to mention what my phone passcode is or what the passwords are to all of my online accounts to my DH. I have enough trouble remembering them all myself, I know more of his just because he is always asking me to check things for him or do things in his accounts for him. Nothing is secret per se, we just don't know all of each others bits. Why does it matter?

Wow that first section totally describes my 'pre mobile phone' controlling and abusive ex.

Snooping on people has never been a good look - I’ve never, in the past read anyone’s diaries, or opened their letters. And I wouldn’t now.

If I had ever reached the point of checking the gadgets, pockets, wallet etc of my partner, or he had with me, I’d end the relationship.

Without trust, the relationship is over anyway.

I think AI missed something in creating this post.

The possibility of the second, secret phone.

I think you miss the point that messaging has taken the place of verbal communication and letters and it was never normal for a partner to have access to their partners entire conversation or their letters.

Many reasons.

I don't think it is normal as such. If it works for each person then fine, but I suspect it's not "normal". Everyone will have their boundaries in this regard and that's perfectly ok.

i will never share my passcode. Apart from my history of a previous partner using completely normal texts with friends as a reason for abuse, meaning I will not allow anyone unfettered access to my phone ever, my phone is a works phone and the policy is passcodes are changed regularly (cannot override this - the it policy is set externally) and no unauthorised person has access to the code.

Exactly! Most of my online activity is utterly banal but I don’t want my DP or DD reading my tedious views on Mumsnet or seeing how many cat threads I subscribe to on Insta.

And I’m not interested in seeing his football feeds.

Meanwhile I might want to talk privately to friends about things which don’t concern him. I don’t think my friends would be thrilled to know he was earwigging on discussion about their relationship niggles or their elderly parents’ health issues.

Also I don’t believe couples have to be joined at the hip and there are still individuals inside that couple with their own lives and opinions.

I’m not cheating and I’m as sure as I can be that DP isn’t either but I’ll accept the risk of not having 100% certainty for the right to freedom of thought.

Bloody hell OP, you ok hun?

I agree with all of this.

I wouldn't want my DH to use my laptop. I'm not cheating on him and never would, but my guilty pleasure is, I sometimes like to watch some absolute trash reality TV and soaps on my days off! I've never felt the need to look on his devices and he also likes to keep a level of privacy.

yabu

these days phones carry highly sensitive data and are needed as keys to access work it systems, buildings, gym classes, public transport etc.

my phone stays locked. so does dh's (and dc to some degree)

I'm all for "snooping" if it means a woman doesn't waste the next 10 years of her life with a man that doesn't share her same values and morals. If all the signs are there and someone needs proof I'd not be villifying them in the name of privacy. I find it odd that privacy on your phone should trump all the other things we share in life children finances families etc but phone oh no that's top secret.

Clearly we all enjoy different boundaries and different relationships. I would only enter a relationship with a open tech policy. I value transparency. That doesn't mean anyone is checking and going through things it means we value transparency and the relationship more than secrecy. I wouldn't enter a relationship with anyone who didn't share these values. My husband is more than happy with this neither of us care or have anything to hide. We share everything. That's great for us and equally fine for other people to want different in their relationships.