AIBU to worry my husbands behaviour might be abusive?

[redroses86]

Trigger warning - possible abuse. I’m really not sure.

DH and I going through a really rough patch. He’s had depression for years and years. Was checked out of our relationship at the start of the year. So I checked out. When he’s sensed this and sensed (rightly) that I’ve grown close to someone else he now suddenly ‘intensely’ loves me again. His words.

This intensity was huge over the summer. He’s always been very touchy with me, he says he’s tactile. But in the summer he was grabbing me more, grabbing boobs and my bits as I’m washing up. Couldn’t walk past him in a room without him slapping me, pushing me against a wall, onto the bed to grab me. I joked this was like living with an octopus. I told him it hurt, I told him to stop. He said he couldn’t help it if I was wearing leggings.
In the pool on holiday I couldn’t swim around him. He grab me, put his hands down my bikini, pull my bottoms up my bum. Full on kiss me in front of the whole pool, because I was too pretty for him to let go. Demanded sex a lot. He says he now knows he was overly sexual during this time because he wanted reassurance about our relationship.

Yesterday, during the night, he told me he thinks he was abused by his Dad when he was a child. He’s never said this before in 22 years. But it makes sense and I believe him. Their family dynamic is odd.
He said Dad used to grab and push him down and touch him whilst he was on top of him. I went cold. I had no sympathy because I realised that’s what he’s done to me.
Am I overreacting? I’m worried it’s not that bad really and my focus should be on him.

What the hell? If my DH behaved like yours my knee would have slammed into his bollocks.

You are married to a groper. His behaviour is gross.

So because he was abused as a child and he was questioning his manhood or something he decided to abuse you to prove to himself that he is a manly man. Yes he did abuse you and it was wrong. It doesn't matter what happened to him as a child, he is an adult now and clearly knows right from wrong. Just because he was abused doesn't give him the right to pass on that abuse and pain to others.

Past trauma will undoubtedly have hsd an effect on him and has obviously transferred into the abusive behaviour he is showing towards you. It does not mean u need to put up with it or stay in the relationship. Put yourself first. The depression may be linked to his past trauma, it may not. I was in a relationship with a wonderful man who had depression. It nearly broke me. Wear u own life jacket before helping someone don their's.

I don’t really know where we go from here. I’m checked out. I don’t love him.
since he told me this and I realised it could be abuse I’ve struggled to look at him. I have no sympathy when he cries.
He wants therapy and a intimacy counselling.

I just want it to be over but I'm worried about the house and kids.
If it’s not abuse then will I just get over it?

You are being abused physically and sexually.

Get away from him ASAP.

You ask him to leave and if he won’t, you will.

Staying with an abuser will not help your kids.

He hasn’t got anywhere to go so won’t leave. Whereas I could go to my parents house, but I don’t want to leave the house or kids.

He thinks we can get over this.
I don’t think he understands that it was abuse. It carried on for weeks.
Am I right that it is abuse or just unwanted touching?

This. He is abusing you, quite overtly, OP, and his own abuse is no excuse for this. You don't deserve to be abused in this way.

Additionally, if his father is a sexual abuser, you need to worry about your children's safety if they've been in contact with their grandfather, and make sure there is never any chance for him to make physical contact with them.

You told him to stop and he didn’t. Even if he was abused as a child, it doesn’t excuse his abuse of you.

And he might even repeat the abuse on his own kids.

I would divorce him asap.

He's a sex pest and has committed acts of public indecency against you. Presumably he managed not to do this until recently so the situation with his father is neither here nor there with what he was doing to you.

Unwanted touching is abuse OP. You poor thing you must have been in constant fight or flight at that time with him groping you all the time. It’s so, so bad for your health to be in a constant state of high vigilance living with someone sexually assaulting you x

@redroses86 Don't leave him unsupervised with your children !!! He's transferring his trauma on you and might have done/will do on the children. He needs counselling but not with you. You are over and done at the sound of it. Divorce, sell house. Maybe live with your parents (with your children ofcourse) to start with. I am so sorry.

Could this not be a reaction to realising that you have checked out from the marriage and in his eyes he’s trying to go back to how you were at the start of your relationship? I think if you’re done you should just end it.

You leave and take the dc with you.

You file for divorce.
My exh was similar.
Being raped nightly was normal. I dispised him..
I left when he was at work. .assisted my kind neighbours..

Am I right that it is abuse or just unwanted touching?

They are the same thing.

OP "unwanted touching" as you call it IS abuse!

Is your home bought or rented? If rented is it privately let or Social Housing?

How many children do you have, do you work?

It’s the house I’m worried about the most. I know I need to start to make enquiries. But I know I’d want to keep the house for the kids. The mortgage is £1000 a month. I earn £3000 a month. So maybe that’s possible. There’s only 8 years left on it.
If I dug my heels in then he can’t make me sell it can he?

I’m confident that he’s never done anything to the children. It’s me. It’s never been rape. Just lots of grabbing and slapping of my bum. And when it obviously hurts he’ll do it again to check.

You've both fucked up. You got close to someone else when he was depressed, he tried to make you feel wanted and attractive but went the wrong way about it. You have no sympathy for him being abused as a child. Why are you even together? You're not innocent in this. Your behaviour has been awful.

You’re right. I do know that.
I also know that during those 8 months that I was holding his depression up that he didn’t love me. He’s told me during that time he found me annoying, unattractive and he preferred life when I wasn’t around. And I felt that. He’s only admitted this recently.

If he wants sympathy and support he can get therapy. You’re under no obligation to support him after he’s abused you.

Just file for divorce op. You can do it online.

Yes, what he did to you was abuse. Absolutely no doubt about that so don't doubt yourself. Regarding his remembering abuse at the hands of his father, he can access therapy for that on his own - do not agree to go to therapy with him. I wouldn't leave the house unless you feel unsafe - get your financial information together and see a solicitor. You need to divorce him, but you need to do it safely. You can contact Women's Aid for advice and support.

Op have your kids witnessed him groping you and his behaviour in the pool?

Yes, they’ve always been around. It’s masked as loving me

You told him he was hurting you and asked him to stop but he continued anyway - that’s abuse OP. Please don’t even question it - it’s textbook.

His own abuse is perhaps an explanation but it’s not an excuse. Lots of people suffer the horrors of SA but grow up to be decent humans who don’t hurt their partners.

It's not masking anything. It's teaching them that abuse and groping in a relationship ate normal.