AIBU to worry my husbands behaviour might be abusive?

[redroses86]

Trigger warning - possible abuse. I’m really not sure.

DH and I going through a really rough patch. He’s had depression for years and years. Was checked out of our relationship at the start of the year. So I checked out. When he’s sensed this and sensed (rightly) that I’ve grown close to someone else he now suddenly ‘intensely’ loves me again. His words.

This intensity was huge over the summer. He’s always been very touchy with me, he says he’s tactile. But in the summer he was grabbing me more, grabbing boobs and my bits as I’m washing up. Couldn’t walk past him in a room without him slapping me, pushing me against a wall, onto the bed to grab me. I joked this was like living with an octopus. I told him it hurt, I told him to stop. He said he couldn’t help it if I was wearing leggings.
In the pool on holiday I couldn’t swim around him. He grab me, put his hands down my bikini, pull my bottoms up my bum. Full on kiss me in front of the whole pool, because I was too pretty for him to let go. Demanded sex a lot. He says he now knows he was overly sexual during this time because he wanted reassurance about our relationship.

Yesterday, during the night, he told me he thinks he was abused by his Dad when he was a child. He’s never said this before in 22 years. But it makes sense and I believe him. Their family dynamic is odd.
He said Dad used to grab and push him down and touch him whilst he was on top of him. I went cold. I had no sympathy because I realised that’s what he’s done to me.
Am I overreacting? I’m worried it’s not that bad really and my focus should be on him.

It is not your fault at all

He has been abusing you

Please stop focusing on him!
He is manipulating you

Could he have bipolar? He sounds like he might be hypersexual at the moment. Sometimes bpd2 goes undiagnosed for a long time.

I think there's some truth in what he said, and I say that with no judgement. The way you've worded some of your comments, like when you said "as he said" about what your housing situation is like. I think last night when you felt no sympathy for his childhood abuse it really hit you that you don't love him. You don't want to be the bad guy and you want a load of strangers on the Internet to tell you how abusive he is and that you should leave. Are you usually a people pleaser?
You don't need to get into who's most at fault here. You don't need others to justify you leaving him. You just need to realise how toxic this is and try and split as amicably as possible for your DC.
Just want to add, him being suicidal is definitely not your fault. Don't let him pass that burden on to you.

Affairs are unfortunately quite common and normal men don’t react by repeatedly sexually assaulting their spouse.

There is nothing to be gained by conversations with him about whether his behaviour was abusive or not. You know it was and whether he agrees or not is irrelevant.

Suicide threats are common with manipulative men when relationships break down. If he says he is going to hurt himself ring an ambulance.

A divorce isn’t the end of the world although it can feel like it at the time. You need legal advice and a plan moving forward. It isn’t up to him to decide you will end up in a “shit house”.

Get some recommendations for a good solicitor in your area. I would want him out of the house asap.

Your new smaller house won’t be “shit”. You and your children will feel safe and relaxed in it. You’ll have your own space to sleep and live without being abused and someone trying to have sex with you or manipulating you.
look up darvo tactics abusers use and contact women’s aid.
make sure your own children have no contact with husband’s
allegedly abusive father.

No you haven’t and don’t listen to the misogynists here who say you deserve this. You checked out because he checked out, and you’re allowed to do so. It does not warrant abuse. Nothing does.

Persistent unwanted touching IS abuse.

I’ve said this on here before to others but it’s worth repeating to you. Please don’t EVER give advice to abuse victims again. Because the op IS being abused by her dh and most certainly is not to blame for it.

Please don’t listen to this poster. You have done nothing wrong. I would recommend maybe talking to Women’s aid who could advise you on possible next steps and options.