AIBU to worry my husbands behaviour might be abusive?

[redroses86]

Trigger warning - possible abuse. I’m really not sure.

DH and I going through a really rough patch. He’s had depression for years and years. Was checked out of our relationship at the start of the year. So I checked out. When he’s sensed this and sensed (rightly) that I’ve grown close to someone else he now suddenly ‘intensely’ loves me again. His words.

This intensity was huge over the summer. He’s always been very touchy with me, he says he’s tactile. But in the summer he was grabbing me more, grabbing boobs and my bits as I’m washing up. Couldn’t walk past him in a room without him slapping me, pushing me against a wall, onto the bed to grab me. I joked this was like living with an octopus. I told him it hurt, I told him to stop. He said he couldn’t help it if I was wearing leggings.
In the pool on holiday I couldn’t swim around him. He grab me, put his hands down my bikini, pull my bottoms up my bum. Full on kiss me in front of the whole pool, because I was too pretty for him to let go. Demanded sex a lot. He says he now knows he was overly sexual during this time because he wanted reassurance about our relationship.

Yesterday, during the night, he told me he thinks he was abused by his Dad when he was a child. He’s never said this before in 22 years. But it makes sense and I believe him. Their family dynamic is odd.
He said Dad used to grab and push him down and touch him whilst he was on top of him. I went cold. I had no sympathy because I realised that’s what he’s done to me.
Am I overreacting? I’m worried it’s not that bad really and my focus should be on him.

also know that during those 8 months that I was holding his depression up that he didn’t love me. He’s told me during that time he found me annoying, unattractive and he preferred life when I wasn’t around. And I felt that. He’s only admitted this recently

So he had checked out , didn’t want you around until he sensed you were close to someone else then proceeded to repeatedly sexually abuse you in front of your children. That isn’t seeking reassurance, it’s outright possessive and dominating behaviour.

And I’d be cautious about the timing of this disclosure because he now expects you to support him and comfort him. What about you?

I hope you’re not sharing a bed with him op. I would not trust him one bit.

I wonder if his 'depression' was just a way for him to check out of the relationship and dad duties while he kept his cook and maid. Maybe it was real. I don't know, but, he treated you like he despised you, then you went looking elsewhere, found somebody else, he realises it, so he goes all caveman, groping you in public, possibly to degrade and embarrass you, then he's grabbing you at home, possibly because he's trying to bully you into 'making it work' and then, when he realises that his caveman flex isn't going to work, he tells you about his 'abusive childhood' (which he hasn't mentioned before in the 22 years you've been together?) which he says is the reason he's acting like a sex pest all of a sudden. Presumably to tug at your heart strings and make you feel sorry for him. And now he's crying 'round the house and acting like therapy is the answer...? Just no. And then he suggests 'intimacy counselling'? WTF? He wants to find a professional to persuade you to have sex with him? All levels of wrong. I'm sure you know this.

Tell him that he needs to go, get his therapy, live alone for a while, and then, when he's better, you can talk. He's too unstable to be around the kids, and you don't want them to see all this. Then, once he's out... divorce him. That sounds awful, but... I don't see what the alternative is. Give him contact details for NAPAC. (National association for people abused in childhood).

He's sexually assaulting you in front of your kids.

Contact your local domestic abuse center or hotline. You need legal advice ASAP.

What if one of your kids does to some other kid what they see your husband doing to you?

I know I’m remiss here. I’m aware of that.

I’ve weaponised this and used the term abuse against him. I’m gaslighting him and he’s on the verge of suicide.
I know I’ve caused this. I feel stuck.

How have you weaponised this?

Op you’re not gaslighting him. You’re telling him he’s abused you because he has abused you. You cheating and him sexually assaulting you are two separate issues.

If there’s 8 years left on your mortgage there will be good equity in it. People move all the time, sell the house or remortgage it to buy him out and go your separate ways before something catastrophic happens.

If he’s suicidal that’s on him to extract himself from the situation and get help.

Both of you need to face the fact this is a TOXIC DAMAGING environment for children to be anywhere near. Feel bad about that instead of worrying about him

He has been abusive, no doubt.

You basically got close to someone else (whatever that means?!).

Often people have what is termed ‘hysterical bonding’ after that, which was clearly where he was, but you weren’t. Doesn’t make his behaviour acceptable, but it is understandable, especially considering his childhood abuse.

Either you want to be with him, can forgive his behaviour and potentially move on, in which case you need some serious counselling, or you can’t, which sounds more likely, in which case you need a divorce.

All the other stuff like the house is a red herring. You can’t stay with someone you detest. It will be awful for the children and your own mental health.

Unwanted touching IS abuse

It feels incredibly toxic to me. I’m so worried about the kids. And I also know that I’m not being a great mum to them at the moment because I’m not sleeping and I can’t put a brave face on it.
He said I’ve taken what he told me about his abuse and manipulated it to suit my narrative. And that he now knows I’m a deceptive person. He said numerous times last night that he is suicidal. I’ve offered help.

I know that I need to just get my head down and carry on. I know this has exposed huge flaws in my personality. I know I’m having an affair. I know this is my fault.
I just don’t know what to do and I don’t think I can just put a brave face on it. But he won’t leave. He’ll blame me. And I’ll lose everything.

You're playing the role of a passive victim, just leave. Don't pretend you're doing him or your DC a favour by staying, you're not. It would be better for all of you if you separate.

@redroses86 ,

‘I know that I need to just get my head down and carry on. I know this has exposed huge flaws in my personality. I know I’m having an affair. I know this is my fault.
I just don’t know what to do and I don’t think I can just put a brave face on it. But he won’t leave. He’ll blame me. And I’ll lose everything.’

You’re catastrophising here. You need to deal with the issues one by one.

Does it matter whether it was abuse? It doesn’t sound like you want to report him to the police, so it’s kind of irrelevant. Obviously, if you are mid affair, you’re not going to want to be touched by your husband anyway.

What are you getting from the affair. Is it helping you or just adding another layer of worry to your life. Realistically you should end it to focus on your mental health and children.

People get divorced all the time. The abuse will have to end if you tell him the relationship is over. If he carries on touching you after that, you can call the police and they will remove him. If he doesn’t, you get the divorce rolling and go through a few months of living together apart (it’s awful but ends pretty soon). Then you get your own place and decide how to share the children, ideally amicably.

No one has died, your life is not over. You just need to deal with things one at a time. Lack of sleep is awful and, if you can afford it, you should get individual counselling too (and maybe some sleeping pills short term).

Why is keeping the house so important OP? The kids will be fine if they have to move to a smaller house. Whereas they will not be fine at all if they have to grow up within this awful toxic relationship and watching their mother be sexually abused.

Because of the children’s school. We couldn’t afford another in the area. And as he said last night we’d both end up in shit little houses in shit areas.

The grabbing while I’m trying to do stuff would just be the limit for me. I don’t want to be groped when I’m doing chores. I’m not 21 and want passionate love making on the kitchen table, nor do I find being touch up when I’ve got my marigolds on a turn on. He sounds totally insufferable, and yes, abusive.

Does it matter what it was? What matters is you didn't want him to do it and are no longer turned on by him or love him.

@redroses86 ,

‘Because of the children’s school. We couldn’t afford another in the area. And as he said last night we’d both end up in shit little houses in shit areas.’

In shit little houses in shit areas which are your own space, happy with happy children, and maybe free to meet someone new in a guilt-free way!

You don’t have the choice between a happy marriage and divorce. You have the choice between a deeply dysfunctional marriage and the concomitant damage to your children and making the most of a divorce.

That is no excuse for him to do it to you.
and you should focus on what he has done/doing to you.
not the issue of him and his dad.

the fact that he has mentioned his dad's behaviour of this but no awareness of what he has done to you is concerning.

You are not over-reacting and it does sounds really bad and that was just from reading it so i cant imagine what it was like to have that done.
Sounds pretty awful, you've basically been molested harrassed by him and this is sexual harassment.
You did not consent to him touching you.

I think you should tell him this is what he has been doing to you and you take some action about it.

Please do not focus on him (he can get some help with that elsewhere) you have been a victim of his horrific behaviour.

'Just lots of grabbing and slapping of my bum. And when it obviously hurts he’ll do it again to check.'

This is bad enough.
This is really disturbing and abuse. It is not acceptable at all for someone to do this to you.
I honestly don't know how you have tolerated his repeated behaviour like this it must be just horrible
😢

Imagine if it was a stranger doing this to you
would you tolerate it.

Depression is no excuse either.

Please stop confusing his problems with yours.

I think you need to focus what is happening to YOU here. Not him.
Focus on your problem that you have with him and take some steps to protect yourself and get away from this abuse. 🙏🏻

I hope you can have the strength to get away.

That’s just classic manipulation and threats saying you’ll both end up in shit houses. A house where you feel safe will not be a shit house it will feel lovely.

Unfortunately you will always have to be involved in each others lives because of the children but you can limit his access to you physically and emotionally.

this dynamic is really not great for the children. They will be upset when they see him doing this to you and they will know you aren’t liking it and they won’t know what to do. You need to put them first (your husband is not putting the kids first) and protect them from this.

Unfortunately, this.

He said I’m minimising his abuse by using that term to describe what he did to me. That it was overly lecherous and that’s how he was brought up. It was his mistake but done because of an over reaction.
He said I’m weaponising it and using it to be manipulative.
i just don’t know any more. Maybe I am, because I want out of the marriage? He said he’s suicidal and I feel like it’s all my fault. But it’s like I had so little sympathy.

He's a disgusting abusive pig and the fact that he may himself have been abused doesn't justify it!

Public unwanted groping is not a sign of love, it's an attempt to convey ownership, and is lack of respect for you saying no clearly conveys that he doesn't care about your feelings or comfort. That isn't how men who love their partner behave.

Please get away from this dangerous man before he really hurts you!

'And as he said last night we’d both end up in shit little houses in shit areas'

oh yeah? how does he know that then?

how convenient for him to say that

I went through similar, though definitely not as bad. But slapping bum as walking past. Groping boobs as I was sitting down eating dinner. unzipped my coat when out to grope my boobs. Would pull his pants down and tell me to come do stuff.
we had a house (rented) and kids. We eventually broke up and I stayed in the house and managed to scrape by. I work but low wage so did end up on UC which is not the life I want but I do not regret the break up.
i was not a great partner but I was so unhappy, not just about this but just in general with the relationship.
im a much better mum now! My house is a lot tidier, im a tidy person but I just felt so flat I couldn’t even do that. im just more motivated for life now
I hope you find the courage to leave and be happier x