Am I expecting too much from him post surgery?

[liaope]

I’ve been seeing a man for a few months now, we haven’t made it “official” but I feel like it may as well be. He stays at mine, or me at his, multiple times a week. Majority of my spare time when I don’t have DS is with him.

I had two biopsies yesterday under general anaesthetic. One was just a needle aspiration and the other one was in an intimate area and was actual open surgery.

I am recovering at home alone. Have been in pain but nothing too bad, except two waves of excruciating pain.

He came over to see me for just under a couple of hours yesterday, before going to meet his friend at the pub who has just broken up with his long term partner and was needing some support.

He hasn’t mentioned coming again today, but is planning to go to the pub with another close friends, who works away for long periods of time and isn’t back often.

I know it’s not his responsibility to take care of me (I don’t need taking care of) but am I expecting too much?
He has said he’d like to stay over after work (10pm) on Sunday.

I feel a bit miffed/let down that I’m on my own while he’s at the pub.

In my previous relationships there was a theme of me being bottom priority, especially during serious situations so I am aware I can be sensitive to thing like this. I haven’t said anything to him, but I think he can sense I’m being a big off.

Have you asked him to stay? Have you told him you would like some company? I am not blaming you and he should have thought about it but he may not realise how you are feeling.

You shouldn't be on your own post surgery and should have someone to take care of you for at least a couple of days or so afterwards, depending on the surgery.

Did you ask him to be there with you those days? Could he have asked his friend needing support to come to your place to talk? I don't know the ins and outs of your relationship and what he understood about your surgery, the help you would need and what you asked of him. I would definitely expect my husband to be there for me post surgery.

No, I didn’t ask him because I don’t want to put him out.

It’s not even that I need looking after, I suppose I just wanted him to want to be there for me. Which I appreciate is probably childish.

Its not childish, you want a bit of support, that is completely understandable but you need to communicate that to him.

I think this early in, and especially if you don't even consider the relationship "official" then I don't think he is doing anything wrong. A lot will depend on what you actually told him about the recovery and whether you actually asked him to be there.

Edited to say you posted while I was typing to say you didn't ask him. That's the problem, you didn't ask him. Also, you don't consider the relationship "official" so why should he prioritise you over other long standing friends.

Can you give him a call and say you are feeling a bit sorry for yourself and can he come over?

Hope you feel better soon 💐

He is showing that he doesn't care about you so now you know that this won't turn into anything serious. For a casual thing, this could be seen as normal but someone who cared, would have naturally stepped up a little. Has he done anything nice: messages to ask after your health, bringing food/ organising takeaway, making you your drink? If not, yeesh. This is not good enough unless you never want it to become more.

It's not really fair to expect him to be a mind reader. If you want something, ask for it.

Does he have much experience with surgery? He may not really understand what it entails. Or maybe your relationship isn't at that point where the 'sickness and in health' thing applies (you're not married either and not even official as a couple).

I know you're hoping he'd intuitively know and choose to be there. It would be nice, but some people aren't that clued in.

Normally a hospital asks you to have someone with you for 24hours post anaesthetic. If he is checking in with you and willing to pick up anything you may need you are expecting a lot. Have you asked him to stay longer?

I just reread and saw you spent all your spare time with him. You are clearly more invested than he is. Unless he is showing you he cares, from what you have said, he clearly doesn't. Move on.

I thought after general anaesthetic a person had to have someone with them for 24 hours. Didn't the docs want you to have company?

Bit odd with this man. Doesn't sound very fussed about it. Has he been married before? Sounds odd. Best wishes

No, because he already had plans and I don’t want to be needy.

You just needed to remind him, tho if he really cared, he’d have made more effort .
unfortunately for me no other, cat fab……….

I do still see friends etc. but the majority of my spare time is with him. And the majority of his spare time is with me.

My friend took me home but couldn’t stay with me due to work. They didn’t specifically ask me if there was going to be someone home with me.

why does he want to stay sat night? Because it’s convenient for him? Because he’ll be helpful for you? If him staying is in any way more work for you than him not being there, and he won’t make sure it’s not, then it’s a no- I wouldn’t mind if you’d be helpful but if you’re your usual level of leaving dishes around then I am not recovered enough to host.

You're expecting him to mind read, and that's not fair. Can you message him and say you're not feeling so great after the surgery and would he mind coming to help you out? If he doesn't help you, then he's just not caring. He may also be thinking he's doing you a favour giving you space and quiet to recover in.

I’m not expecting him to mind read.

From my perspective, if someone I cared about and spent so much time with was on their own post surgery, the automatic thing to do would be to offer my help and/or company.

Because it’s convenient for him, he probably would’ve asked to come over anyway regardless of the surgery.

Does he have experience of surgery himself? He may be a bit clueless. He may also think he's being kind and considerate by giving you quiet and space. You are making assumptions about his actions.

Don't be a martyr. If you want him to come and help you and keep you company, let him know. His actions then will tell you about his care.

He sent me a text and apologised for not being able to stay longer, so I don’t think he thinks he’s being kind by giving me space.

I’m also not being a martyr, I’ve said more than once that I don’t need looking after. I just feel a bit miffed that I wasn’t a priority, as I know he would be if it was the other way around.

I have had several surgeries.

you have to have someone to take you home but honestly I preferred to be on my own otherwise to just chill and take drugs and rest and binge watch tv.

you are assuming your reaction is the caring reaction. People are different.

This is yet another problem that could be solved with a conversation. Talk to him and tell him you want some company.

Its not childish. It’s just personal preference. I’d be happy at a man just popping in every couple of days in that situation.

Firstly if I needed post-surgery care I wouldn’t be relying on a guy I’ve been “seeing” for all of a few months.

Secondly even if it’s just for company and comfort I wouldn’t want or expect a guy I am just seeing to be there every single day.

He may assume you’re the same.

But you’re not and that’s fine - you just need to speak to him about it and see if he’s okay with that.

You’ve said repeatedly you don’t need looking after but are annoyed because he’s not looking after you.

He’s never going to be able to do the right thing is he?

If you want him to stay or be there to help you, then you need to ask him.

You've only known him a few months - he's not a long-term partner or anything so he probably assumes you're fine given that you've not said anything to the contrary.