Am I expecting too much from him post surgery?

[liaope]

I’ve been seeing a man for a few months now, we haven’t made it “official” but I feel like it may as well be. He stays at mine, or me at his, multiple times a week. Majority of my spare time when I don’t have DS is with him.

I had two biopsies yesterday under general anaesthetic. One was just a needle aspiration and the other one was in an intimate area and was actual open surgery.

I am recovering at home alone. Have been in pain but nothing too bad, except two waves of excruciating pain.

He came over to see me for just under a couple of hours yesterday, before going to meet his friend at the pub who has just broken up with his long term partner and was needing some support.

He hasn’t mentioned coming again today, but is planning to go to the pub with another close friends, who works away for long periods of time and isn’t back often.

I know it’s not his responsibility to take care of me (I don’t need taking care of) but am I expecting too much?
He has said he’d like to stay over after work (10pm) on Sunday.

I feel a bit miffed/let down that I’m on my own while he’s at the pub.

In my previous relationships there was a theme of me being bottom priority, especially during serious situations so I am aware I can be sensitive to thing like this. I haven’t said anything to him, but I think he can sense I’m being a big off.

Given it really does feel like it's a big issue ( big enough to ask the lovely MNers), maybe OP you can raise it with him. You are hurt that he isn't prioritising you but we don't know his side of things. You are only going to find out his outlook by asking and talking to him..

If you're getting two-thirds of readers thinking YABU, that's not going to bring you any comfort. But for those who who say YANBU, what do they want you to do? For you to LTB? That's not a help to see that, is it? ask him .

Best wishes

I mean I’d probably say this too tbh but then I’ve been single for a while so don’t take my advice 🤣

I totally understand where you are coming from and regardless of your relationship status, is it not human decency to think of someone when they’ve had surgery. It certainly would make me reassess the direction of the relationship.

It’s a very new relationship so I think YABU tbh.

However, I would probably refuse him staying over (for convenience?) at 10pm Sunday.

He likes you enough to have sex with you, but not enough to either rearrange his plans or stay with you until he’s due to go out, then come back to yours afterwards? Did he even ask you if you had everything you needed or whether you were up to getting yourself fed, washed and comfortable ready for bed? All he’s done is told you he’d like to come round at 10pm on Sunday. So not really spending any quality time together then, is it? That’s just time for a quick bite to eat, some sex and sleep.

I have a high bar, I admit this. But fuck me, this bloke just isn’t good enough. It’s got sod all to do with whether you’re seriously committed to each other, or whether you need looking after or not, or whether you told him you needed help or not. If he likes you enough to put his penis in you on a regular basis, then he should like you enough to care about whether or not you’re ok. Otherwise it’s just regular sex with someone he gets on with. One step up from friends with benefits.

She absolutely should take your advice of listening to @CoffeeBeansGalore, especially if you operate a policy of it’s better to be single than dating a selfish man!

Well there’s your answer I’m afraid.

If someone I was close to was having surgery I would ask. “What do you want, how can I help”? But he hasn’t, he has made plans to see his friends at the pub. It also doesn’t sound like he offered to bring you back from the hospital. If he was having surgery would he need to ask you for company or support?

But he wants to stay over on Sunday night, rocking up after 10pm because that’s what’s convenient for him.

And that’s the way it will always be for this man, putting his own comfort above yours.

‘I don’t want to be with someone where I have to ask them to prioritise me, I want it to come naturally.’

Then this isn’t the man for you. Simple.

But you have previously said you aren't in a relationship.

The root of problem, from what I can make of your posts, is that you have previously been in a relationship where you felt you were the bottom of the priority pile, but you didn't tell this guy how you felt because you don't want to be needy. It comes across as you putting yourself at the bottom of the priority pile and then getting upset about it. Sorry if that sounds harsh, I couldn't think how else to phrase it.

Tell people what you would like, not what you think they want to hear.

But you are not in a relationship. You say you've been bottom of the pile in terms of priorities before, and it seems you're accepting this again I'm afraid. If he liked you enough and saw a future, there would have been swift and clear definition of the relationship, expectations agreed, and you wouldn't be left wondering things like this on MN.

I don't say this to be mean, I say it because I think you deserve better.

He’s actually been more forward than me. He’s wanted to move things along faster.

I just thought that in a relationship, it was natural to want to be with your partner when they’re recovering from surgery that morning, instead of at the pub with friends.

OP that may be so but you’ve not really addressed the key thing that post and many of us have flagged. You are expecting him to act like your partner but he isn’t your boyfriend or your partner. At least not yet.

He’s a man you’ve recently starting seeing and are not even “official” with yet.

Your reply seem to suggest you are the one unsure about him/ your relationship which is fine. But with that you also need to accept that he may also be limited in how much effort he invests until you decide to progress things.

How does he view the relationship, OP? You aren't in a relationship, so does he view it as friends with benefits? If he does, he's decided to either balance his time between friends or doesn't want to let down a longer standing friend. It's quite different if he sees it as saying he can't come because his partner just had surgery vs. saying he can't come because he's trading time with one friend for another (of longer standing). He might not want to make that trade between friends and you've said he's not your boyfriend, let alone partner.

My partner had surgery this week and I'm staying home to look after him. If my best friend had surgery, I'd probably just pop around. If my best friend explained to me that she needed someone to stay with her for a day or two, I'd do what I could to organise it. I wouldn't assume that she wanted that if she didn't explicitly ask.

In my opinion he should want to be there to keep you company, it’s what people who care about each other do. You shouldn’t have to ask, I think the fact that he’s not prioritising you tells you everything you need to know. I’d be “too tired” to have him come round Sunday night. New relationship or not it sounds like you deserve better than he can offer.

You are correct. He is showing you that he doesn't really care. He's happy to have sex with you, but he doesn't want to be caring towards you.

Their him back. He's not the one. You can't teach someone to give a shit about you.

But his plans are seeing a friend he very rarely has the opportunity to see, and there's nothing actually wrong with you. You've had a biopsy, not open heart surgery. By your own admission you don't need looking after.

And it isn't a relationship is it, if you're not official?

I dunno. I'm always a bit perplexed by grown adults who can't just say what they want or need, rather than this weird game playing nonsense.

This is how I’d feel too and I’d expect the same from someone I was in a relationship with. I know that when I started to see dh (been married 16 years now) there’s no way he would have gone to the pub over staying with me if he knew I was in a similar situation.

Exactly. Their relationship status aside, not everyone thinks the same.

I wouldn’t want someone to hang around 24/7 while I was recovering from a surgery unless I needed them. Especially someone I wasn’t ready to call my boyfriend.

I would be fine seeing them every other day. So he may assume Op is like that. She’s not which is fine but she should speak up.

Sorry OP but I agree with this.

A biopsy is a very minor op and you’ve admitted yourself that you don’t need “care”.

You sound miffed because you’re stuck at home for the evening while he’s catching up with a friend he rarely sees.

You’ve only been seeing each other a few months and you aren’t official. That means it’s not a relationship and he’s not your partner and that really does change the dynamics.

He popped round to see you and texted to apologise that he couldn’t stay longer. That sounds reasonable to me.

I get that you didn’t want to ask him, you wanted him to want to be with you. But I think that’s full-blown relationship territory and you’ve said you’re not at that point yet.

Four months into a relationship, my boyfriend drove me to a clinic for a biopsy, picked me up afterwards, and, when I found I shouldn't be left alone after a general anaesthetic, took the whole day off work to look after me. I am fairly sure - this was years ago - he cooked dinner. Of course I married him. I don't think your boyfriend sounds like a keeper as you don't seem to be his priority.

I don't want my husband (now bit bf at the time or another person I was dating etc.) To be a mind reader if I want something from them I ask, if i need them after surgery i ask them

The op doesnt and just because i am female doesnr mean I need to this weird emotional thing woman seem to expect 'i don't need you but if you don't stay with me it will mean you are not treating me a ls a
princess thing I have invented in my head'

It is a biopsy not a hysterectomy so what does the op actually need him for?

If my husband had the same thing and needed me i expect him to ask me if I could change my plans of he doesn't need me why would I change them?

Thia needy thing is not pleasant from men or women