Am I expecting too much from him post surgery?

[liaope]

I’ve been seeing a man for a few months now, we haven’t made it “official” but I feel like it may as well be. He stays at mine, or me at his, multiple times a week. Majority of my spare time when I don’t have DS is with him.

I had two biopsies yesterday under general anaesthetic. One was just a needle aspiration and the other one was in an intimate area and was actual open surgery.

I am recovering at home alone. Have been in pain but nothing too bad, except two waves of excruciating pain.

He came over to see me for just under a couple of hours yesterday, before going to meet his friend at the pub who has just broken up with his long term partner and was needing some support.

He hasn’t mentioned coming again today, but is planning to go to the pub with another close friends, who works away for long periods of time and isn’t back often.

I know it’s not his responsibility to take care of me (I don’t need taking care of) but am I expecting too much?
He has said he’d like to stay over after work (10pm) on Sunday.

I feel a bit miffed/let down that I’m on my own while he’s at the pub.

In my previous relationships there was a theme of me being bottom priority, especially during serious situations so I am aware I can be sensitive to thing like this. I haven’t said anything to him, but I think he can sense I’m being a big off.

If he's never known anyone to have surgery before he has no idea what it's like. Saying you would have done this or that is fine but he's not your double. He's an individual with his own mind and thoughts and hasn't a clue what you're thinking or feeling unless you tell him.

Same here. Last surgery I had under GA, I took a taxi home. There isn’t a 24 hr carer requirement that anyone has said to me and if they did I would assume it would relate to someone frail or elderly or had major surgery where they need help just getting to the toilet and feeding themselves.

Oh and I’ve just noticed you’ve not made it official but yet are staying at each others house multiple times a week. Even if the kids aren’t there I don’t think it’s a great idea.

It kind of muddies the water somewhat. Are you boyfriend and girlfriend or not?

I feel this “seeing each other but not yet official” business while spending half your time at each others may be blurring boundaries and expectations.

I can kind of see why you would expect him to spend more time while you’re recovering if he does usually, but again boundaries a bit blurred.

I think it depends on the shift in dynamic. You say you usually spend all of your spare time together so I'd he usually would have been there those days/evenings with you, but is now doing other things because you've had surgery, it does seem a bit "fairweather friend". i.e. he'd be there if you could be fun, have sex, cook for him(?) but as you can't he'll go and have fun with his mates instead.

Or would he usually spend some of the weekend with friends anyway, but you think he should have given you more priority because of the surgery?

Have you said to him what you said here, that you don't want looking after? Because if someone said that to me I would leave them alone to rest and check in a couple of times by text to see if they needed anything.

That’s very unusual - it’s usually made very clear before surgery that you are going to be picked up and someone will have to stay with you for 24 hours after.

So you’ve said you don’t need to be looked after. But you think he should be wanting to look after you anyway?? And you don’t want to ask directly because you don’t want to look “needy”?

This is all quite confusing and involved. I think you should say what you mean and not expect him to interpret multiple layers of meaning.

You wanted him to stay after your surgery, but wouldn't say so because you don't want him to see you as needy. That's setting him a test he knows nothing about.

Do you think he found other things to do because you wouldn't be cooking or having sex with him like usual? If yes, you're not a priority and he's a poor prospect for a long term relationship. That also sounds like a relationship of convenience if you guys just spend your time at each other's places rather than going out and doing things together.

But you failed to communicate what you wanted because you're afraid he's not invested in you as much as you are him.

Several months in and not "official" should tell you everything you need to know, surely?

I don't mean to sound unkind, but I remember when relationships didn't have this weird rule of detachment-until-otherwise-specified. He is simply playing by the rules you've both accepted.

You’ve only been seeing him a few months and haven’t asked him to be your boyfriend (why not?) so it’s a lot to ask him to stay with you after surgery. Is there anyone else in your life? You also said you don’t need anyone there so why are you complaining he’s out with a friend?

As I’ve said in my other posts, I don’t need looking after. Nor do I expect him to look after me.

As I’ve also said, I’m not expecting him to be here taking care of me everyday.

And, as I also have said. He sent a text apologising for not staying very long.

No, I haven’t.

I actually specifically said that some company would’ve been nice, or a show ofcare/being prioritised.

No it isn’t.

I work in a hospital and I am present for many surgeries. We can’t refused surgery or a general anaesthetic just because someone doesn’t have someone to be with them at home.

Gosh some people are so mean/purposely obtuse.

Thank you so much for the kind posters.

I can’t grasp what’s so hard to understand.

I don’t need “looking after” as such, I can walk around and beg my own food etc.

I just thought that in a relationship, it was natural to want to be with your partner when they’re recovering from surgery that morning, instead of at the pub with friends.

I don’t want to be with someone where I have to ask them to prioritise me, I want it to come naturally.

Were these plans in place before or after your surgery was scheduled?

He wants to stay over after work because it's convenient for him, nothing to do with concern for you?
My answer would be "No, I'm recovering from surgery. I'm not up to hosting you".
It might hit home that he's being selfish.

So ask him if that's what you want

After

I wouldn't expect to be the person someone is reliant on a few months into a relationship. I'd be there if they asked, but if not I'd be going about life as normal. I'd be more likely to offer my help to a long term friend than a new boyfriend, so I'd probably think they are getting the support they need from their friends and family

One of.his friends needs support over something major that has happened and one friend he rarely sees so this is his only opportunity. And you expect him to not see either of them so he can just come and sit with you and keep you company.
Yes YABU.
You need to learn to be more emotionally and physically independant

It's tricky as you haven't been together ages. Also, if the friend today doesn't come back often, is this his only chance to see them? That said, he doesn't need to spend a whole day and evening in the pub, so it would have been nice if he'd been thoughtful and offered to come round for a couple of hours today to check in on you.

I'd personally say no to him staying tonight. If he's finishing work at 10pm then he's not coming to keep you company as such. Hopefully he's not turning up expecting you to be intimate with him. I find it a bit icky that he can't find even an hour for you today, but expects to doss at yours tonight because it's convenient for him.

It's a bit obvious that he's not interested as you're not firing on all cylinders at the moment.

I just thought that in a relationship, it was natural to want to be with your partner when they’re recovering from surgery that morning, instead of at the pub with friends.

You've said you've only been seeing each other a few months and you guys haven't made it official. So it's possibly you see it as a relationship and he sees more a situationship or something lesser. Your communication is indirect and you need to bring up where you stand. Your expectations don't seem to match.

That said, it's telling if he doesn't want spend time with you after a biopsy. You're not in need of physical care but you might like a bit of emotional support and companionship and he's off to the pub. Him setting up he'll stay over Sat when you're presumably ok, I'd change those plans.

Do you guys do anything outside of stay at each other's?

Why is he coming over? What is he expecting? You to cook and host?

But you're not in a relationship - you say so yourself

I wouldn't prioritise someone I'd been seeing casually for a few months over a long-term friend either.

But you are not in a relationship