AIBU to be upset my husband posted an unflattering birthday photo?

[SassyNavyHam]

I recently had a birthday and my best friend texted me and asked if I saw the post my husband made, so I checked it out and he used an absolutely mortifying picture of me sleeping with no makeup.

I felt hurt and confused and I just really couldn't understand why he would do that. I called him but he didn't pick up (at work) so I sent him a text with all of my feelings laid out. I told him he made me feel like I was a joke to him on a day he was supposed to be celebrating me.

When he got home he immediately became defensive. He said his brother does it to his wife. She is a very different person from me so I'm not sure why that matters. Also it might help that she is an actual 10/10 and probably doesn't have the same insecurities as me.

I asked him to delete the post and he did, but he was irritated. The next day he told me I take everything so seriously and he wishes I had a sense of humor. He recently traveled with his family (who he does not get along with) for a wedding and she he didn't want me to "take it the wrong way" but he felt very jealous of how his brother could joke with his wife.

To me my boundaries are my boundaries and I don't know what that has to do with his brother and his wife. I told him my boundaries are my own and my birthday isn't about his hurt feelings.

Sometimes people get defensive when they do something that doesn't land well and hurts their partner. It sounds like his brother posted a non posed photo of his partner as a 'joke' and she doesn't mind, you did mind and so your partner is on the defensive as you sent him a long message explaining why and were annoyed with him. He did delete it but he should also have apologised as it upset you.
But this has also brought up his issue that he believes his brother and his partner seem to have a more fun relationship and he wishes you both could joke more. Obviously his 'joke' wasn't your idea of a joke but is it true you don't have much fun together? Maybe this is a genuine issue for him.

There are two issues here.

1. Can you have a laugh? Do you need to loosen up? I think if he wants to enjoy himself and have a laugh with you, that’s sweet and you should reflect on whether you are a bit on the miserable side and why!
2. he’s really fucked up there. My DP finds it funny to take a picture of me and then will get ChatGPT to make it really horrible or funny and he will share it in our family WhatsApp. I can laugh at that because it’s not actually me and it’s not public but I would be so mad if he let everyone see a bad version of me. It’s not even his original idea and if you’re so boring and not good for a laugh he should know it’s going to rile you.

He did it because he thought it was funny. He basically said as much. He should know your relationship well enough to be aware that you would hate it. But he did it anyway. Constantly comparing you to his brother's wife is immature and insulting. Tell him to go and live with her if he feels that way.

It all depends on your relationship, my husband does it and I laugh because I do the same to him! I don’t find it humiliating, it’s just a joke!
At the same time if you don’t have that kind of relationship then I can understand you’d be upset and rightly so.
From now on he needs to understand where the boundaries are and stick to them.

It sounds like there isn't much fun in your relationship and your DH made a poor attempt at injecting some. Have you got busy lives with DC? Do your insecurities get in the way of you relaxing and having fun? Do you find him boring?
It was a poor move from him if he knows how insecure you are, but if you don't want to end the marriage maybe this is an opportunity to have a conversation about what you could both do to improve your marriage.

Then his "defence" was that his brother does the same to his wife 🙄

YANBU @SassyNavyHam Keep your boundaries in place.

Huh? 10/10 is a common phrase used for women or men - have you never heard this before? It’s another way of saying someone is very good looking…

The brother’s wife might actually mind but feels like she has to laugh along. I remember when Russell Brand posted the photo of Katy Perry and she wasn’t best pleased!

Negging. Doesn't want you getting ideas above your station, and thinking you're too attractive for him.

Top tier twatty behaviour. I would do something similar to him. Then again, you're in danger of becoming The Twits.

Unfortunately I have heard it very many times and it is an extremely offensive way of rating people's appearance as though they are in a cattlemarket.

I don't think it is. I don't think you will find a huge amount of people agreeing with you to be honest.

You’ve misunderstood. As have others. Re read the op. The ops bil amd his wife have a jokey relationship whereby he posts embarrassing photos of her. The ops husband tried to replicate this and got upset the op didn’t find it funny. It literally says this in the op, and what your dh does with a completely different intent is utterly irrelevant

I would get the ick, can he not think for himself

Why does he have to be like his brother

Why do you have to be like his brothers wife

I thought it was a way of describing people popularised on social media? So I assume that people who are heavily influenced by social media and are primarily interested in superficial physical appearance will think it is a normal way to talk about people and compare them.
I think that a lot people who live in the real world find this way of viewing other human beings as offensive.

Horrible thing to do so YANBU.

Although if you've ever posted photos of your kids online, you're basically doing the same thing to them.

He's a so-called "funny guy". I.e. he thinks he's funny and the authority on what humour is, and anyone who doesn't share it are the ones who "lack humour" in his mind. So, because you don't share his sense of humour, you're the issue here, not him - according to him, that is.

He wants to be able to take the piss out of you at your expense, because that's his idea of "hilarious" - but it isn't yours. Sounds like you are humouristically incompatible. Plain and simple.

For what it's worth, I agree with you and find people like your husband utterly exhausting and annoying. I don't understand how you've managed to stand him for years, I couldn't last a minute with a guy like this.

I get it and I empathise.

Now, separately: are you listening to his concerns? Do you usually have banter between you? Is it news to you that you don't joke around enough? Can you work on that?

This! Why would anyone suggest it was a joke, it’s horrid.

I find for some reason my husband is completely oblivious to photos being unflattering. He recently took one of me in profile, eating in a pub - I looked bloody awful, mouth half open, cheeks sagging etc. - he showed it to me with great pride, when I protested that I looked awful he said 'You look great!'

He explained he had taken it from that angle because there was an interesting antique map on the wall to the side of me that he wanted to get in the frame😆

We don't use social media so thankfully it isn't going anywhere.

Oh dear LOL! I think it should be against the law to take a photograph of someone without their permission/without telling them you're taking it. It's so rude and intrusive, and people rarely look good when it's a 'candid' shot.

It's interesting you say that as there was a thread on here recently from someone lamenting that her DP never took candid photos of her with her DC and asking how she could get him to take more of them!

The grass is always greener 😃

YANBU. I would go further than saying he was 'joking' and call it emotionally abusive. Trying to humilate you and framing it as a joke - (oh that old chestnut) is just twattish behaviour.

For the ones telling OP to try harder with the banter and to share more humour with her DH. Really? Are you that naive?

YANBU I hope you had a jce birthday other wise.

we always check with each other before we post on socials (about once a year now)

at best it was thoughtless, at worst it was to humiliate you.

in any sense it isn’t funny and I wouldn’t find it funny. And neither would most people.

You don’t seem to have understood anything here.
the whole point of his post was to take the piss out of OP as a joke. Because that’s what his db does in his relationship and he thinks it would be fun to do that in his relationship with op

the only way that works is if the photo is unflattering

you seem to have limited understanding

It’s only a joke