AIBU to wonder why many posters find it harder to make friends than find a life partner?

[Thepeopleversuswork]

I'm baffled at the number of people on Mumsnet who struggle with the most basic social interactions and find making friends to be traumatic, but have found a life partner to settle down and have kids with.

A significant number of posters on here struggle with friendship or social interaction to various degrees, manifested in the extreme in the declarations that they "hate people", "don't want new friends", find friends to be too much "drama" and only want to spend time with their families. There is a classic of the genre running at the moment in which an OP has taken umbrage at a coworker making fairly mild friendly overtures to her as a gross invasion of her privacy. (But admits that she met her partner at work?) Or just at the milder end of the spectrum the huge amount of anxiety which making new friends seems to generate.

I genuinely don't understand why people who have managed to find an intimate relationship in which to have children can find the prospect of exchanging words outside the school gate or sending a text to a coworker so traumatic.

I found attracting a partner and building a relationship to be a far more fraught and involved process than making friends: there's so much more to lose, so much more vulnerability needed and the prospect of loss of face and self-esteem in the process of dating is far greater than in making friends. But texting someone (platonically) to ask if they want to have a coffee seems to spiral posters into paroxysms of self-doubt. The "school mum" threads are a whole sub-genre in their own right, where the paranoia and suspicion is often seriously irrational.

Why do people find it relatively easy to find a partner but finding friends so difficult? From my perspective it should be the other way around.

I’m probably contradicting my earlier post about going with the flow, but the effort people go into meeting a partner isn’t always replicated when they look for friends.

My boss decided she was going to befriend someone completely randomly. It was, in a sense, cynical because it was business related (she felt the friendship could benefit her and the firm commercially). She went out, put herself in a position to meet her, put in time and effort to meet and get to know her, and lo and behold they’re now “friends” and see one another socially.

That said, what my boss did required deft social skills and judgment. I also think they genuinely did just happen to click; she may not see her so often if they hadn’t.

Making friends genuinely is more difficult for some people though. I would like more friends but people don’t seem to want to be friends with me! I struggled making friends as a child and still as an adult. I’m very introverted which I understand can be interpreted as being stand offish.

I have also seen how some people seem to effortlessly make friends, so from that point of view it must seem strange that it is hard for some people to make friends. However, I’m sure there are people that you don’t want to be friends with, that you don’t warm to for whatever reason. I am one of those! Interestingly, I’m also not drawn to people with similar characteristics as myself (introvert, reserved, analytical). People who are naturally friendly and outgoing do seem to have an advantage in this area.

I am baffled by this list. I don't have any requirements for my friends except to be reasonably interesting, reasonably kind and considerate, not too flaky. They don't have to take my calls at 3 am.

Sex is what makes having a DH easier than having a friendship for me.
If DH is sad, stressed, bored etc I can respond and show my love, comfort etc via having sex.

With friendships I have no clue what to say if someone is sad or going through a hard time. I have a few stock phrases I have learnt but beyond those I’m useless at comforting, I don’t hug people.

Interesting question, I have a partner and kids but no friends (a couple of people from my history that I message every so often).

I've never really got on with women I think? I always found my peers at school a bit intimidating and there were so many domineering / bossy older women around (like my mum) that I just never saw any reason to want to talk to them. Always found men easier to be around, but I guess they just tolerated me or fancied me or something, rather than real friendships. At mother and baby groups, after the initial baby chat I had little to talk about with other mums. Niche interests I guess and not the world's greatest conversationalist.

I met my partner online rather than organically. That said, I'm not lonely so probably not the same as people who start threads because they're lonely and want to make friends.

My mum had no friends and didn’t really want any. She never did anything outside the house. She had a job once for a couple of years and she liked the people she worked with but didn’t maintain contact when she stopped working. When she got old she was very isolated. I’ve always had lots of friends and found it easy to make new. friends. Now I’m old I’m so grateful for this.

That must be why you see so many middle aged men sat in the bars/pubs by themselves.

I find this a bit alarming.

This is something I thought about a lot when I was younger actually. I had a very good friend whose sister basically just tagged along. She was nice enough but it annoyed me that she was very rude - eg my friend asked if her sister could come to a birthday dinner I was hosting. I agreed. She didn't say hello to me when she arrived, she didn't say hello to me when she left. My friend excused her and apologised and said she's "shy" and "socially awkward". She had a successful career in the city and never wanted for a boyfriend.

As far as I can tell, 25 years later, she's married with children and has become a SAHM and her entire social life consists of her sister, her husband, the odd social event for her husband's work and one or two (male) friends from back in the day.

To be fair, I think she HAS genuinely struggled with her mental health and I know she suffers from quite a lot of anxiety and when I DID speak with her I did find her to be an interesting and sweet person, but I still always found it weird that she could be so rude and supposedly socially awkward and yet do all these other things.

Maybe their standards for a partner are particularly low and/or they will settle for anyone just to be in a relationship. You see it time and time again on MN - women putting up with the most lacklustre idiots going because they are too scared not to be coupled-up.

Whereas with friends, you can afford to be a lot more picky.

I have mentioned being ND, but I've also given you my experience on how NT women have treated people generally. The bitchy school ground experiences on here have been cited for years on here. Work places can be similar, there are always those on the outside of things, who simply aren't included.

I found it far easier to find a partner than make friends. I've never really "got on" with females, despite being one myself. My DH (who I've known for 39 years, married for 29), and I just got to know each other through voluntary work, became friends, and that turned into a relationship. He said the same, i.e. trouble being friends with males, but more at ease with women! We're kind of the same in opposite ways. I was his first (only) girlfriend, he was my first boyfriend. Something just "clicked" between us whilst working together, so we started spending more time together, i.e. calling in at each other's homes when passing for a coffee and chat, which turned into dates, etc. Neither of us did that with people of our own sex. We both have lots of "acquaintances", i.e. colleagues through work, neighbours, people we know through hobbies, etc,, but neither of us would call any of them "friends" as such. I think it worked for us because we have very similar personality traits, and similar hobbies/interests/outlooks, etc, the only difference being our genitalia really!! Neither of us ever found anyone else with similar personality, interest, hobbies, etc neither as friends nor romantic partners. I think another major factor is that we're both very wary/nervous around other people due to troubled teenage years we both suffered, but we've literally never been nervous/wary around each other - the first time we worked together doing the voluntary work it was as if we'd known each other for ever - very strange feeling, but it just felt right - never had that before or since.

Also, those who have no friends except their husbands and DC and never want any, what happens when your children leave or your husband leaves/ dies/ you leave? Eggs in one basket seems unwise

Of course it is unwise.
That doesn't make it any easier to make friends.

True.

Anyway I often feel like kicking back against the notion that women are bitchy. I don't think the vast majority are. Busy maybe, too busy to make or keep friends yes. But bitchy, no.

I think female friendships are one of the great consolations of middle age and the empty nest.

It’s almost like people aren’t all the same 🤔

The "rules" around developing a romantic relationship are somewhat clearer - there's an accepted progression and to an extent we are driven by a subconscious desire to procreate. Friendships are much more fluid/varied in their intensity and hard to define. A romantic partnership is also typically a 1-1 interaction/ exclusive/ primary relationship where you don't have to navigate the dynamics of a wider group/ that person's other relationships and priorities.

This really strikes a chord with me. I think that's a big factor. Friendships are so much more ambiguous and complicated.

To be fair, DH has plenty of friends but does sometimes sit in a bar or pub alone. He even goes to the odd gig alone too (quite niche taste in music).

I had also wondered if there might be an element of online forums attracting more people who are socially maladjusted (sorry, not quite the right way of phrasing) or introvert tend to or online more due to lack of real life interactions (and so over represented on forums). This isn't a comment specifically on Mumsnet but online life generally

I struggle to make friends, I'm socially awkward and scared of rejection. I met my DH whilst still at school, and he's been in my life since I was 17. I have a few friends but whilst for them I'm one of many friends, to me they are the my only friends. I've tried to make new friends over the years but never achieved any new ones since University. It's okay I work four days a week, have two children, a DH and an adorable dog, and my days are filled. I've made peace with not having many friends.

I'm single and planning on staying that way now. But when I was looking for a partner/with a partner, the fact is it was a worthwhile investment (at the time at least). I'm nearly 60 and a lot of friends have come and gone for various reasons. But partners are the ones who are there when you go home at night. They share the load of life (or they should!). You're intimate with them. Friends can only fulfil your needs, and you theirs, to a certain extent.

I've been invested enough with a partner to overlook certain things, that maybe I shouldn't have done, but I did it to try and make it work. I don't expect my friends to be "work". Because the pay off from each is different. If a friendship becomes too much work then yes I bail, because I don't need the hassle. Also, why I've now written off romantic relationships!

I have plenty of what I would call acquaintances. To meet for a meal, drink whatever. But really no proper friends. No one that really shares my interests, or that I would go to if I needed help. I don't want friends for the sake of it, same as I don't want a partner for the sake of it. I will be friendly towards people but if they're not on my wavelength, I'm not looking for it to really go further than that. I would rather be alone doing things I enjoy, than spending time with people not having fun.

Why?

Maybe he just wants a chat, a hug or a rest sometimes?! 😂 Surely there’s other ways to show your husband that you care. If sex became difficult for some reason would everything just crumble?

This reminded me of those breastfeeding memes - baby is tired? Boob. Baby is overstimulated? Boob. Baby is fussy? Boob.

Totally agree.

I think also some women when they get married, really think that they are sorted, and put the feet up a bit with making an effort or wearing a mask as it’s a signed contract, there is a definite smugness, and it’s not really that great of an achievement anymore.

Then they end up doing lots of drudgery jobs, so are happy with a boring and sexless marriage, with little time for friends, and then are genuinely shocked when their husbands have an affair.

Sex is a panacea for husbands, in my limited experience, and a very fun one at that! I've no idea why that poster would find it alarming, and I'm also curious.