This is the hand you’ve been dealt

[NestaVipaz]

Mumsnet is so eye-opening. I read so many posts on here about hurt and sadness. My heart aches and my anger rises for the many, many women who are being treated like shit by shitty men who are full of shit. But sometimes, I think it’s the family ones mostly, it seems to me that someone’s just got a bad hand. And maybe the answer is not to deny it, not to fight it with “boundaries” but in a clear-sighted way to acknowledge that though we can protect ourselves, we can’t perfect our circumstances. My mother is, by any definition, a terrible, terrible mother (not her fault - the fault of the hand she was dealt!) but I can’t put it right. I am, and always will be, damaged as a result. That’s the hand I’ve been dealt. Is there comfort to be had in that idea? It seems to bring me closer to a kind of peace than raging against it. I can’t undo it after all.

To a certain extent I agree. I think whatever happens in life, and people all have their own challenges, you basically need to suck it up and get on with it.

No one is coming to rescue you, so you need to try and make the best job you can of dealing with whatever hand you've been dealt. My DM is pretty crap, and I didn't have a great childhood. But once I got to 18 and left home I was going to do the best I could for myself in life.

I do know people who continue to blame their parents, their ex husband or fate for how shit their life is and I think they'd be better off to stop wallowing in self pity and actually focus on building a better life for themselves.

I'm Gen X however, and fairly unsympathetic.

I think yes, partly

I sometimes think about my own crappy childhood. I cant change it, and I can't keep going over and over it thinking, 'if only i was this, or said this.'

'It is what it is'.

I will always be damaged by it. And with that, comes peace. But I can move forwards.

So definitely accept where you come from - but dont let it stop you from living as best you can with the scars, and being a better person for those around you. 💐

I agree @NestaVipaz.

What you're outlining is what's called "acceptance" in all Twelve Step programs. It's the foundation of living a sober life for me and many others.

It's a daily decision though - resentments creep back in regularly and I have to actively let them go again. None of us is perfect! 🙏🏻

One of the things that annoys me about MN, if I’m honest, is the lack of acknowledgement that some people just get bad hands in life - or just bad luck.

I find some posters a bit smug at times - as though any good fortune is due to skill and judgment.

I think acknowledging a bad hand, but then doing your best with it - and realising it’s not determinative of everything, albeit it makes things harder, albeit some opportunities may have been missed - is important.

I had a very late diagnosis that I'm Autistic. And I can accept my Autism as being the hand I was dealt. But I can't accept the emotional neglect from my parents as a child that irreversiblly damaged me or the total lack of any support from them at any point in my life. I am still so bewildered by parents who seem to be incapable of loving their own child, especially as I could never ever behave towards my own son the way my parents behaved towards me.
I don't feel I can accept. Partly because I feel permanently stunted: that I have never properly grown into an adult.

That’s so interesting. I’ll have to check out the others.

I get you. “Acceptance” sounds so simple, but it’s a painful ongoing struggle ime.

Yes, of course some people get dealt a bad hand. Mine was fairly shite. But, you have two choices. You can decide that it has ruined your life and you’ll never recover, or you can use it as a perfect example of what not to do and who not to be. I struggled when I was young but as I got older I realised I had a perfect blueprint of what not to do and I reframed that as being almost as good as having a good example to follow. In any given situation I think about what my parents/step parents would do and I do the opposite. It works like a charm and it has made me a far better person and much happier as a result.

Oh yes. I had some terrible things happen to me. I had a miserable childhood and I was trafficked by a man I thought was my boyfriend in my 20s.

I had to make a choice- either get on with what's left as best I can and find happiness where it's available, or let the bad things sink me.

Took me a while to get there, and I won't ever be what I was, but life is still very beautiful.

I agree with your general point about accepting the hand you’ve been dealt. However I think it’s a cop out to say “my mum was terrible but it wasn’t her fault.” Many many people go through awful traumatic childhoods. But many of those people put in huge effort to break the cycle/improve their lot. I have no time for people who have kids, are terrible parents, and then put it down to their own upbringing when they’ve made absolutely no effort to change.

you use it as the perfect example of what not to do

Exactly this.

I had a not-great childhood with an abusive f and an exhausted downtrodden dm. I have taken pride in being unlike either of them. My ds has been raised in a warm loving supportive home where education is valued, and he has been given every advantage & opportunity. We are very close and he is a happy, kind, cheerful, well balanced young man.

I learnt from my dm that financial independence is absolutely essential. I escaped home, graduated from a poly in the 80s, established a career, worked abroad, have a clean decent home & car that I own outright, get on with my neighbours & siblings, have friends and a social life. Life is a pleasure most days.

I seldom think about them now. 🙂

I absolutely agree with accepting the hand you’re dealt, and I think it would help lots of people if they did, rather than drag things up over and over in counselling. I’m sure counselling must help some, but I’ve known people more damaged by the process.

It’s definitely not helpful to ruminate over things you can’t change or control, if that’s what you mean. And helpful to remember that when we can’t change other people or events, we can still control our response.

Easier said than done though! I find it especially difficult to let go of things i perceive as injustices. I’m getting a lot better as I get older!

Same here. My niece has had loads of counselling and is more obsessed than ever about shitty things she’s suffered. She can’t move on. The counsellors seem to spend the time raking over her issues time and time again rather than giving her coping strategies to help her move on and put things behind her. We have a neighbour who says the same about her daughter - been to a few different counsellors and they’ve all told her to write down her worries, her problems, etc., Which she’s now done several times but it doesn’t improve anything. I know that trying to forget and hiding things under the carpet is also bad in the long term, but there are ways of just accepting bad things happen, and finding ways to stop them ruining your future by coping strategies.

Such wise words OP, and PPs. It is indeed the hand you are dealt, you have to move on.

I’m in my 70’s now, and my normal family started with me. My mother only recently died. She did, on the brief occasions we crossed paths, witness the warmth in my family (between me and my husband, children and grandchildren). It was like watching a knife twist in her side, her resentment and hatred a joy to behold.

At her life’s end she came to realise how much she had lost….but it was too late by then.

I agree, I think seeing it as bad luck helps with not blaming yourself too. I had a series of very unfortunate events over the last few years (mum died from cancer-terrible gruelling death, then 18 mths later my father suddenly died, then my child was diagnosed with a disability, my marriage almost broke up and I got PTSD from an attempted sexual assault). Now, none of those things are my fault but it sure took a while not to be angry at the universe about it. Now that I have almost recovered from the shit storm I do find peace in acceptance. And letting go.

People have choices, you can choose to be a good person or parent same as a bad one, there is no excuses just choices

Once you’re an adult you’re in charge of your life. You can’t spend your life blaming others for X, Y and Z.

You can fix anything, if you have the mindset you.

You need to take responsibility for your actions. Own your mistakes. Admit when you fucked up.

Using “oh but I wasn’t taught that” or “oh but I wasn’t brought up like that” or any other excuse does not wash.

I think some people here don't understand how therapy works particularly for people who have suffered trauma (and that's a lot more people than you might think).

Therapy doesn't change what happened to you but what happened to you is rarely the problem.

The problem is how a baby or a tiny child interpreted what happened to them and the defence mechanisms/ patterns they put in place to deal with that overwhelming trauma.

I suffered neglect from a parent who wasn't evil but was incapable of any form of intimacy or empathy.
She would just ignore me or shout at me or scowl at me when I wanted to be picked up and comforted.
As a result of that I blamed myself and believes that I was bad/defective because a child can't blame the person it depends on to stay alive.

I will never be able to change the fact that my mother rejected me but I can change how I interpreted it.
As part of that process I need to see what a flawed person my mother was and rage against them as my baby self couldn't do.
Then I can integrate the self sabotage parts I created as a tiny child and then acceptance will follow.

This is Complex PTSD and it can take many, many years to work through the root cause of your issues.

I just think some people are naturally more resilient than others, or at least they figure out how to bury trauma better. My parents are both crap in their own separate ways, in fact my entire family is pretty rubbish. I’ve lived alone and been independent since 16 and a mum since 17. I got a PhD, my DS is now 16 and doing 4 A levels after getting 8s and 9s in his GCSEs. I’m incredibly proud and have done a pretty good job with my life without my family.

I tend to just get on with things because what choice do you really have? You could spend your days wallowing in self pity or get up and on with it.

You are not alone. This is exactly my experience and it is so very hard to come to terms with. Thank you for articulating, it's really helpful.

@Sartre

I tend to just get on with things because what choice do you really have? You could spend your days wallowing in self pity or get up and on with it.

Same here. Both DH and I had “issues” from our teenage years, both very different, but both have been affected throughout our adult lives in different ways. But we just got on with life, moving forward rather than constantly marking back. Throwing ourselves into our careers and hobbies/interests, and our relationship, helped us to put the past behind us to an extent. When we decided to have a child, we both worked for the same hymn sheet as to do things very differently to our own upbringings, we agreed never to play emotional blackmail with him, never to argue in front of him, never hold him back, encourage him to follow his dreams, and gave him life skills like resilience and confidence. Putting effort into not making mistakes with him really helped us, ie not repeating the cycle was actually therapeutic for our own historic issues!

I think you are partially correct.
I think we have to accept the facts of life. There are things in our lives that no-one has control of. Illness, disability, death are facts of life, we can't change it. We were born when we were born, there is no point in complaining about how much more difficult it is now to buy a house than it was then or how easy technology makes things today. We live in the time we do and we have no choice. This is where, I think, we have to accept the hand we were dealt and build from it.

I think when "acceptance" becomes more problematic is when a deliberate decision was made to damage you. I don't think it is as straightforward as to say it happened now move on. Because this was a deliberate choice. Yes, it happened, it can't be taken back but it was a choice. That's why acceptance would be problematic for me even if it would make life easier.

Agreed. It's the counselling and identity culture.

I trained as a counsellor and did a short stint in a few other very deprived countries with a charity. Our focus had to be on acceptance and how to move on, there was no justice to be had and no future in ongoing victimhood. The UK was such a shock after that I quickly gave up.

Looking at friends and aquaintances some do just want someone to blame rather than to make the best of what they have. I am sympathetic but ultimately this is where you are so what can you do to make the best of it? (not UK counselling material!)

I wish you all strength.

Acceptance is powerful if you let it be. I am the widow of an alcoholic. He put our family through so much. We have worked very hard to accept, let go and acknowledge that the good times were as real as the bad, and we are all better for it. At the same time however, you are allowed to put yourself first. Self care is not selfish, and you do not have to set yourself on fire to keep the people who have let you down warm.